Come on in, the oil is fine!

Watched "The Sitter" last evening and was actually surprised at how bad and sophomoric it was.  I don't know why I expected better since it had a very short showing at the theaters.  Parts were funny, though, but I wouldn't recommend to see it...

Tomorrow I get to experience (once again) what all us guys over fifty relish most of all.  Dave Barry described it best. None of us want to get colon cancer, so we allow a doctor to insert seventeen thousand (an exaggeration, of course) feet of cable with a camera on the end.  It is a necessary evil to prevent a much worse one...  I highly recommend it.  Be sure not to miss Dave Barry's version.

I see that Delta Airlines is going take matters into their own hands and are buying an oil refinery close to their east coast hub.  They are going to try to control their highest cost to operate.  Perhaps the gubmint should do the same.  If the oil companies were only in charge of finding and retrieving crude, and we (the royal we) had control of the refineries, perhaps we would have more control as well.  Now, since Delta is going to modify this refinery to maximize jet fuel, that means that there will be less gasoline products available for us to purchase- or the remaining refineries will kick up production to make up the difference..

Doctors convene.

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington . 

A conversation in heaven

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.

An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening.... to find two sheriff deputy's standing there.

Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked.

"Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."

"Do you have a photograph of your wife, sir?" the second deputy questioned.

The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.

"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."

The old man says, "I know, sir, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook."

 

A doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a condom."

The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

SOSDD

There seems to be a lot of press discussing the "new" Romney, now that he is aiming for Obama.  I don't believe that. "You can't pick cherries with your back to the tree..."  Romney hasn't changed, just the perception that he is projecting.  As we all know, he changes depending on the audience and their perceived acceptance.

I often wondered whether there would ever be a time where opinions  are OBE (overcome by events).  This week has been pretty quiet, news-wise. I haven't been passionate about any of the topics.  I actually find it pretty amazing in itself.  Wouldn't it be cool to continue this way for a few months- kind of just slide through them without any bumps?  SOSDD...

Who's In Charge 
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who should be the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge.

Don’t you find it funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF? -Unknown

After nearly 48 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" I found the remote," he mumbled.

Health care update:

WASHINGTON—In the event the Supreme Court strikes down the president's health care law, the Obama administration has prepared a contingency plan under which all 313 million Americans would share a single large jar of ointment, sources confirmed Tuesday. "We are committed to protecting the health of the American people, and while it's not a perfect solution, allowing citizens to scoop up fistfuls of ointment from a giant communal jar would at least guarantee a certain minimal level of care," said Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, stating that the 96,000-pound container of topical rub would be located in the middle of the country and that, in some cases, citizens might have to travel 1,300 miles to have access to the salve. "I will say there is only a limited amount of ointment, and those citizens who are gravely ill and lack medical insurance will get first dibs at the soothing unguent." At press time, top Republicans had already blasted the so-called “Ointmentcare” plan, arguing that the use of taxpayer funds to salve the careless and negligent violated the rights of those who had responsibly obtained their own private stashes of calamine lotion, Icy Hot, and Preparation H.

Piedras Blancas

We visited the Piedras Blancas Elephant Seal Rookery in San Simeon this weekend.  It was awesome.  It is pretty bizarre that they would only pick that particular place on the coast to rook.  Given that you pick the correct time in their mating and molting calendar, it is a very worthwhile place to visit.


We also visited Hearst Castle.  I had been there twice before, but only to see the grand rooms.  This time we explored the upper floors, bedrooms, bathrooms and library.  It was amazing.  I can't believe that I still haven't seen the whole building.  It just goes on and on.

The CSIRO has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.

Every time a new Pope is elected there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, that's origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock - It was the check for the Last Supper.