Speaking of "Friend"ship, KLM Airlines is making available the means to check out your seatmates on their flights using Facebook and/or LinkedIn. I think that this is certain disaster. It is bad enough to be ON a flight with someone that is pursuing your friendship (or more), but being stuck in the seat next to them means that there will be desperate people wanting to make last minute seat changes after they see who they are sitting next to. The claim is that there might be some new members to the Mile High Club, but I REALLY believe that that is doubtful!
Too much data could be corrupting the inferences made about you by the information grabbed from your smart phone, your social media use, and even the websites that you visit (complements of your ISP). As this data becomes to unwieldy, it is "filtered" in ways that may be detrimental to your identity. Should we be concerned? For sure. Can we do anything about it other than becoming a hermit and living off the land? Yes, limit your usage of these key areas for data gathering and, if possible, "anonymize" your access. Being incorrect on an inference is one of the worst kinds of censorship. This could affect your credit, applications for jobs, friendships.... BEWARE!
Farts Away!
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now! 19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few !
Greeting Cards You'll Never See
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!
You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me
You totalled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That case of Bud Dry?
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in hell 'til I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Ever find out who the father is?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Alabama & Mississippi).
Why teachers drink...
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
"The poor film editor for the fishing shows. This guy has to watch all the footage that just wasn't exciting enough to make it into the final product."
- Brian Regan
Holiday Warning...
Please, take care of yourself.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.
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