More Freedom Erosion...

I had a disagreement with a fellow who said that cell phones were not radios, as I claimed.  This is the truth- they are extremely sophisticated packetized radios that allow transmissions of digitized data (i.e. 1s and 0s), by sampling the voiced on the phone  at high frequency and generating a binary pattern which is converted back at the other end.  They are not the same as cordless phones, by any stretch of the imagination.

When does the Federal Gubmint overstep their bounds?  Is it unconstitutional or unreasonable to require that everyone have health insurance? What about distractions while you are driving [i.e cell phones, GPS units, radios/CD players, flashing business signs, passengers...?  Where do we draw the line?  What is up to the Feds versus the States versus just-plain-common-sense and you shall suffer the consequences if you dare?  I remember when bicycle and motorcycle helmet use was foisted upon us (unfortunately polluting the gene pool).  I still see bicyclists and motorcyclists without helmet and I still see handheld cell phones in-use while driving.  Making it illegal doesn't make it not happen.  It only means that those that get caught before someone gets hurt will try harder next time to get away with it.  Suppose cars were equipped with cell phone jammers, or signal lights or telephone poles or school crossing signs; would that be enough?  I don't want to be crossing the street when one of these cell phone offenders is driving by.  Perhaps the BEST thing we can do is force the insurance companies to NOT issue policies to those that ARE caught.  This will force them off the road... or at least legally.  I'll bet, though, that they would keep driving!  If we are going to foist this legislation upon the public, perhaps there should be a few more items added to the list...

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee." The proof is in the song! 

The four stages of life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus 

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk while everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.

I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that

the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000 they'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

A letter from a very unhappy customer
Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well
as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can
either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify
these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in
your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat
arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website.... how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my
testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-
doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled
installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as
a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over
4 weeks) my modem arrived .. a total of six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
35%...

these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight,
Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the
weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have
made 9 telephone calls on my mobile phone to your no-help line
this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
bullock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and
someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone
who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your
office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several
other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to
attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at
your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot
of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever,
could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL,
and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How
surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now
given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of
service from you.

I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you
have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any
such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete
contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely
hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they
were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their
rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very
embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
twats,

Yours psychotically,

Paul

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.