Paying the Piper Again

Zuck is on the hotseat again as the Irish regulators investigate "frictionless sharing".  Why is it that Fleecebook is always on such thin ice?  Ask me if I care or whether I feel good about it.

Someone has finally managed to photograph the Pot at the end of the rainbow!!! Wouldn't you know it!

One of the popular ideas bounced around for an Alternative
Olympics are to have a special selection of Redneck Games, and
they will even have their own ceremonies. They are reported to be
a shoe-in for Alabama, but Tennessee is putting up a valiant
fight. Proposed ideas for the events are as follows:

1. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by
the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

2. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns
out to be owned by the Governor.

3. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at
muskrats and ATF agents.

4. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Competition."

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

6. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of
gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

7. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle
rockets.

8. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to
all them extra toes.

9. Two words: Billy Bob-sledding.

10. Ballroom dancing will be replaced with a ho-down and
participants must be from the same family.

11. The pistol in the hundred yard dash will be loaded with real
bullets, just sos we can git a wurld recurd out of dem runners.

12. Beach volleyball will be replaced with tether ball

13. The equestrian event will be replaced with Pitbull boxing.

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans.

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives?

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other peoples, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's".

Mebbie I need My Own PAC & a Billion $ to Feed It...

There's a big commotion about the enhancements (?) that  Zuck has made to Fleecebook, but as an aside: they have also created a Facebook Political Action Committee (PAC).  This, of course, must come with a lobby and a list of politicians that are influence-able, or need influencing, or bribing.  When you control as much money as Zuck, it is no surprise that he would want to influence politics.  I am disgusted in the obvious "interference" that big business has on politics.  It is time for a redo. Perry said that corporations are people, too.  I don't agree with him, but they ARE being treated as such. [Wonder when they will execute one in Texas...]  Why can corporations get away without paying their share of taxes ?  It is time for a flat tax- fairness to the poor,  fairness to the middle class, fairness to the wealthy, and fairness to the corporations.  UNFORTUNATELY, since lobbies exist and have such phenomenal powers- that flat tax will never happen!

LAWYER JOKES
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

Very Personal:
I wish to share an experience with you. As we know, many of us have had brushes with the authorities regarding drinking and driving. Well I for one did something about it. The other night I was out for dinner with some friends and frankly I had way too much Vino. Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I had never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived safe and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before.

Ho Hum...

Catching up on my reading I see that there are some things that haven't changed: 1) Zuck is pissing off many Fleecebook users with new features. 2) Apple's next spyPhone is about to be announced.  3) Amazon is coming to the market with their own tablet called Kindle Fire- and it is NOT Android, WebOs or Apple based. 3) Meg Whitman won't go away.  She managed to crawl out from under the rock she was hiding under, and now will "lead" HP.  I'm not sure where to, but it probably can't be as bad as Fiorina... 4) The gubmint is or has already run out of operating money.  More to come (probably printed afresh). 5) Obama is still being whipped by the formerly(G)OP.  6) The list of formerly(G)OP candidates has not changed, although Perry's stripes are beginning to show through ...  7) Cain stole the show in Florida (which may prove that the problem is not Obama's color, but his party instead).  It's still anybody's guess who will walk away with the nomination, but as of today- it won't be Christie and can't be Palin (as yet). 8) Oil dropped in price, but it didn't affect California gas prices.  9) Gold dropped in value, which caused a lot of people to lose a bunch of money they just got... 10) Michael Jackson's "doctor" is finally getting his day in court...

So essentially, not much changed while I was vacating... 

One thing that FINALLY did change, Andy Rooney is retiring at 92!  I thought those awning eyebrows would carry him forever!

Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?
He had low elf esteem

What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Confucius Says...
"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"
"Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"
"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"
"Man who stand in front of car get tired."
"Man who stand behind car get exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"
"War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"
"It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there"
"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
"Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"

     

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live

What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck

What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia?
Build a house next to them

What do tornadoes, hurricanes and redneck divorces have in common?
Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home
 

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run

What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend

What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
Pump kin

When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute

Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes your blood type

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball

Back to work....

We are back from our very short, but well deserved getaway to Northern California.  We saw temperature extremes from mid 40s in San Francisco with heavy, milky fog and freezing winds to 102 degrees in Napa to mid 80s in the redwood forest.  We traveled to  Point Reyes to see the lighthouse, but that same milky fog deterred us. 

We learned that the Sattui (our favorite St. Helena winery) family built a replica of a twelfth century Tuscan castle and raised all their wine prices to fund it (unfortunately).  


We also discovered that another favorite winery in Calistoga,  Sterling, raised their tasting price to $25, which is more than I would spend for their individual bottles of wine.  

We visited a glass beach in Fort Bragg.  This beach is covered with broken glass that has been polished by the wave action.  Terre and Tori collect it in hopes that someday they will make jewelry from it.

We found a banana slug (about eight inches) in the Founder's Grove of the redwood forest.  It was a bit gross! 

On the hunt for a good  dinner, we were served raw pork (yuk) masquerading as BBQ ribs in Healdsburg. The restaurant review that we posted should keep unaware tourists from making the same mistake we did.       

We did, however have a WONDERFUL breakfast the next day at the Center Street Cafe, also in Healdsburg.

    

Bottom line was that it was great to get away, but we had some not-so-great experiences on the trip.  So now I am back to work, with very little funded until the next fiscal year begins...

OXYMORONIC ONE-LINERS
· Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

· Death to all fanatics!

· An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

· If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

· I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

· The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

· Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?

· I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

· I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

· Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?

· Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

· Always remember you're unique... just like everyone else.

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
- George Burns

This is a deceptively simple philosophy that I have been working on and refining for most of my life.  I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined it down to its essence - sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit
you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:


1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

xx