Rear-ended

So who has the best retirement and health benefits in the world, our Congress and President, of course.  By serving only one term, they are covered for life.  There is absolutely no chance that they would give that entitlement up to experience the same benefits (?) that the average working stiff gets.  Also, when the gubmint has to shut down because Congress is NOT doing their jobs, who gets rewarded, Congress, of course.  They will get paid whether the gubmint is open for business, or not.  

Yesterday evening, my wife dropped off her car to get new "tars" (tires) and a "lining" (alignment).  I picked her up and then headed home. On the offramp from the freeway, I got into the right lane so I could turn to go home.  There was still a car in front of me and the light was red.  The car turned right and I inched up so that I could see the traffic.  The light was still red, but I couldn't see because the car in the next lane was so far forward, so I inched up a bit more.  Just then the car behind me plowed into me.  Meanwhile the light changed to green and I proceeded to turn right and safely pull off the road.  The perpetrator followed my example.  I got out of the car to survey the damages and then checked out the perp's vehicle.  I proceeded to his window and suggested that we exchange pertinent information such as insurance and driver's license.  He said, "Is there any damage?".  I invited him to come outside the car and look at it, but he declined.  He dug them out and I wrote all the information down, as well as his car's license number.  I asked him to wait a minute and I would write down all of my information for him.  He declined and said he was in a hurry and sped off.  I was blown away at the guy's attitude.  My wife thought that he might be inebriated, but I couldn't tell- especially since he wouldn't get out of his car.  His car had a heavy steel-tube brush bar on the front which actually caused the damage.  There wasn't any damage to his vehicle.  I guess it is way more to expect "common" courtesy from him after an accident that he caused.  I would also expect that he isn't a COURTEOUS drive one the road either.

Idol was shocking last night.  There are only nine contestants left.  They are all great. They are not all great at everything they do, though.  Depending on their strengths, they appeal to different types of watchers.  More importantly, the actual voters that keep contestants on the show, or not, are usually the teeny-bop set [i.e. young girls] that vote numerous times each week.  I never vote, but I understand that when you put this task in the wrong hands that you will not like the results.  Perhaps leaving it TOTALLY up to the voting audience is the wrong choice.  Not making the totals public is probably a good idea.  There shouldn't be any hard feelings.  On the other hand, this is a talent contest.  A singing contest.  If a guy singer is judged by his good looks or sex appeal, then he will get more votes from the teeny-bop set.  Girl singers have numerous problems competing.  Unfortunately, the worst is getting the teeny-bop vote...

Blondes

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

"Supplies!!"

You most likely flunked sex education if you thought…
~A clitoris is a type of flower.

~A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.

~"Spread eagle" is an extinct bird.

~Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.

~A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

~A G-string is part of a fiddle.

~Semen is a term for sailors.

~Anus is a Latin term for sailors.

~Testicles are found on an octopus.

~Asphalt describes rectal problems.

~KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.

~Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.

~Coitus is a musical instrument.

~Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.

~An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.

~A condom is a large apartment complex.

~An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.

~A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

~A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.

~An erection is when Japanese people vote.

~A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

~Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.

~Pornography is the business of making records.

~Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.

~Douche is the French word for “two”. 

WARNING: OLDER MEN SCAM

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up'... for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, and even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

Please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)