Public Toilets- Use At Your Own RIsk

Haven't heard very much about April Fool's pranks, but this one is not very funny. Someone doused a toilet seat in the men's room of a Maryland Walmart with superglue.  Unfortunately, the first user did not look-before-leaping and managed to glue the seat onto his buttocks.  Getting carried out of Walmart by the fire department is no way to go...  While I won't go into a Walmart anyway for other reasons, there is no limit to what you can catch on a toilet seat, particularly without first using a "lobster bib". 

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing - It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do:

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

· The woman goes to the store.

· The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

· The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

· The man places the meat on the grill.

· The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

· The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

· The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

· The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

· After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

· The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

· And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
just no pleasing some women.

Taxidermy

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The injury did not appear to be severe.
After police and an ambulance arrived at the scene, Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment for his stab wound.
The subject, Tyrone Jackson, was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained “when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing Cpl. Duggan.”
Now that was a well written Police report.  

A kindergarten teacher was teaching her class about the 5 senses. Everybody was doing great on all of them except for taste. She brought in multiple candies, flavors such as: cherry, grape, orange and honey. The children could guess all of them but seemed to be stumped on the honey flavored candy. She gave them a hint, "this is something your mommy might call your daddy at home" than one of the kids yelled out, "Eww, quick spit it out its an asshole!!!"