I really can't wait until the elections are over so we can quit hearing their backstabbing commercials on the radio, TV and in the papers. If all candidates were restricted on their spending, this wouldn't be a problem.
Men's Speech Patterns
1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am
completely clueless.
2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there's no peanut butter left.
4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical.
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?
6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.
8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?
11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the
address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.
16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.
19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I
can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.
23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.
24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.
Counseling - Southern Style
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing Tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
You Gotta Be Shittin MeHave you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shittin Me'?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and His troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted . He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of Ill Repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired , wet, exhausted , and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied , 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
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