Wisdomless...

Well Tori was a trooper and had her surgery this morning.  She had a bit of trouble returning to the "feeling" world, though.  Her first words were, "Can we go though In-and-Out on the way home?".  Then she was babbling about Pocahontas and a bent-neck giraffe.  She didn't know who me or her mother was or where she was.  She got a look at herself in a mirror and asked who that was!  Boy....that was good stuff she is on!

By 4:00 she was out in the family room having a bowl of oatmeal still with a numb chin and bottom lip.

Travel advisory

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, these state tourism councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped ... by our women.

Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 


Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, 90 and 94 go two ways--Interstates 29, 35 & 65 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit. 

Questions And Answers From An AARP Forum
Q:   Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A:   Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q:   What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:   Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q:   Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A:   Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q:   How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A:   Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:  How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:   Take off your glasses.

Q:   Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:   Go braless; it will usually pull them out.

Q:   Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A:   Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:   Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:  Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.

Q:   As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:   Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:   Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A:   On their foreheads.

Q:   What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:   'Gosh, I remember these!'

Smile, you've still got your sense of humor, right?

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your truck till I get back." 

A week after their marriage, Phil and Jill (newlyweds) paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said Phil. "My
testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Phil's testicles are blue.

The doctor turns to Jill. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?

"Grape."