Bobbing For Pig's Feet....

Run-Don't Walk:  The 14th Annual Redneck Summer Games are currently running.  Where else can you wrestle in mud, bob for pig's feet, play horseshoes with toilet seats, serenade with armpit noises,  and drink yourself into oblivion while floating in the river.  The big question in everyone's mind is....  Is this a family reunion ? ?


Hard to get moving this morning.  I think I need more sleep than I'm getting....

Every time I say that is was a weird day at work, I feel weird saying so. It is like all focus of management is on other tasks that I'm not involved with.

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for
a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the
drink she says,  "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's
today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this drink's
on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
"I'd like to buy you a drink for your birthday too."

The woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Scotch with
two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I'd like to
buy you one too."

The woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'd like another Scotch
with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," says the bartender.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of
curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, by the time you're my age you've
learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole
different story."

Two guys from New York City were in heaven for about a year. One was a preacher, the other a taxi driver. One day the Lord was making his rounds when the preacher asked Him if He had a minute.

"Sure" said the Lord. What's the problem?"

"Well" said the former parson, "I'm not very happy here in heaven"

"Why not?" asked the Lord.

"Well, I don't like to complain Sir but that taxi driver is getting better treatment than me and I don't think that's right since I preached your word on earth very faithfully for 52 years"

"Well son," said the Lord, "truth is, when you were doing your work, most folks were sleeping.
But you know when that man did his job, they were praying!" 

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking...............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Educated...................Was fucked to bits at Uni"
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
40-ish.............................................49
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle...........................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned..........................No BJs or anal
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social.....................Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Widow........................................Murderer