Palin Rings True...

"There's nothing clean and green about your misguided, nonsensical radicalism, and Americans are on to you as we question your true motives."
Sarah Palin, writing on her Facebook page, saying environmentalists are responsible for the oil spill because they keep oil drilling away from safer places to drill.

There is a joke if I ever heard one. Do you ever remember looking at an expensive piece of modern art and saying "I could do that, easily, and make a lot of money." ?  After all it is just spattering paint on a canvas and has no real rhyme or reason or resemblance to anything short of what you can conjure up in your mind's eye. Somehow I feel that Sarah Palin is that same category. How ridiculous can you get, and still run for vice president and author a book and convince people, many people, to pay to hear you speak.  Come on now, all we have here is an Alaskan box-of-hair.  I REALLY expected her to just disappear from the media after that barely-an-election.  If this was the best that the Republicans can drum up, they are REALLY in trouble.  Meanwhile, it still appears as though she is their BEST (?) hope (I don't know what for though).  I suppose her quote could be likened to Global Warming being the result of protecting the Spotted Owl.  The location of where oil exists really has absolutely nothing to do with the safety at which we attempt to extract it.  Granted, if the well was on shore, it would be easier to deal with, but all the more reason to build more safety mechanisms and oversight into the difficult ones.

    

"The government will be requiring new food labels that are more
specific. Products will now be labeled 'no fat,' low fat,
'reduced fat,' and 'fat, but great personality'"
 - Michael Feldman

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a
local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun
holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a
long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about
how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it
was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this, the guy said,
"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end
of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad
person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I
provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local
service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities.
Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point
my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such
a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a
sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never
touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from
a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a
drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the
glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's
out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in
the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must
admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about
this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you
mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He
went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the
rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said,

"Is that damned nun out there again!"

Summer Classes for Women at Loyalist College
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, 4 June, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THEIR COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat, Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs, beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00PM for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program--Help Line Support
and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine for PMS -
USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right--Real Life Testimonials!
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
 
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking
across the campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as
big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were
waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
'What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude!'
The priest said, 'Hey, here comes the
green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hi George, what's the matter that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes, that's
a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from
a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group was silent for a moment. Then
the priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. And I'm going
to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for
them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play
at night?'
 
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
A man in a hot air balloon realized he
was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
and shouted, 'Hey, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The woman below replied, 'You are in a
hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between
40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you
know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist,' everything
you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far.'
The woman below responded, 'You must be
a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how
did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know
where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil
Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Normal people ... believe that if it isn't
broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken,
it doesn't have enough features yet.
  
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
One day, an engineer was crossing a road
when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess'.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put
it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
 The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, 'If
you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING
you want.'
Again the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, 'What is
the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess; I'll stay with you for a week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look. I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

The history of Anesthesia:
2000 B.C. - "Here, take this hammer."
1000 B.C. - "That hammer is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this inhalation"
2000 A.D. - "That inhalation is artificial. Show me your back".
2025 A.D. - "Here, take this hammer".


Two anesthesiologists were sitting at a bar for nearly an hour. Finally, one turned to the other and said, "You know, Arnie, I`ve been thinking. It`s a dog-eat-dog world".
Arnie turned away and contemplated for another hour. Then he turned to his friend and said, "Maybe it is. Or it could be the other way around".

---

An anesthesiologist on safari was in a jeep that stopped in a remote African village. He was taking a drink of water with his African guide when he saw a gorgeous young white woman walk out of a tent."Who`s that?" he asked. "The daughter of the missionary, Bwana."
"Boy," the horny anesthesiologist said, "I'd sure like to eat her."
The African quickly raised his rifle and shot her.

---

"Did you hear what happened to the old Miss Johnson (the anesthesiologist)?"
"No."
"She died from using a vibrator."
"She couldn't take the strain of sex at her age?"
"Nope. The battery short-circuited her pacemaker."

---

A man woke up after an appendectomy with a huge bandage over his groin as well as one over his abdomen. He rang the bell, and eventually the doctor came in.
"What in the hell is that bandage for?" the man asked anxiously.
"I've got to apologize for that", the surgeon said. "The appendectomy was such a success that the anesthesiologist applauded. When I bowed I cut off your penis with the scalpel."

---

The man waited anxiously in the anesthesiologist`s preoperative office for over a half hour. Finally, the physician came in and told the man he had good news and bad news.
"Give me the bad news first," the man said.
"The bad news is that you have leukemia. You've only got three months to live."
"That`s terrible!" the man exclaimed. He took a moment to collect his thoughts, then asked, "What`s the good news?"
The doctor replied, "I've just met your wife, and I think we`ll be very happy together after you've gone."

---

An anesthesiologist was surprised to find out that the cannibal chief had gone to school in England and spoke perfect English.
"I can`t understand how you could have spent so much time in civilization and still eat people."
"But now I use a knife and fork."

---

A cannibal went to the local anesthesiologist complaining he was bored and depressed.
"The problem with you", the anesthesiologist said, "is that you're fed up with people".

---

The anesthesiologist stopped in a sleazy downtown coffee shop, the only place open at 3 A.M. The waitress who came over was scratching her ass as she waited for him to make up his mind.
"Do you have hemorrhoids?" the anesthesiologist asked.
"No special orders," the waitress barked.

---

The absent-minded anesthesiologist walked out of the operating room. A colleague came running up to him and said, "George, how did that appendectomy on my wife go?"
"Appendectomy?" George replied, "I just did an autopsy."

---

The old anesthesiologist walked into the whorehouse and approached the madam. "I`d like to have sex with a young girl," he said.
She took one look at him and said, "You must be over ninety."
"92."
"Well, pop. I think you've had it."
The old anesthesiologist looked confused for a moment. Then he said, "I have? How much do I owe?"

---

THINGS THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST WAS SAYING TO THE SURGEON DURING THE OPERATION:

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

- Darn, there go the lights again...

- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
concentration off..

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

- Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change....!

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

- She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

- Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing .

---

She, a surgeon and he, an anesthesiologist, just married in the first night.
She washed herself before going to bed like usually in OR. He said:" Oh,
fine, good to have a surgeon as wife, typical, every time clean and sterile!"
Next morning she said:" Oh, I have also some compliments for you,
typical anesthesiologist, I did not feel anything!"