Isn't it interesting that Obama hasn't blown his top yet about any of the disaster's he's had to deal with. I certainly would be making BP very uncomfortable right about now. If they don't succeed at plugging the leak this time, I would ask that any and all other oil companies come to their/our aid, while I systematically shut down all other BP operations that we can. True to form, we want it all. We want a leader who can feel our pain while rising above it. We say we don't trust government, but we look to it for answers and cleanups. And we elected Barack Obama. Now we want to change him.
Here is the latest in the ridiculousness: I was just in the local 7-11 and they are selling an anodized aluminum Slurpee straw! Someone will eye out, or use it as a pea shooter at school and do the same. Why would I want to have one, pay for one, use one ?
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine . . . and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria". In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. (that's over 2 pounds). However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
Pick-up Line Put-Downs
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
DETERIORATA (The following poem was not found in an old Baltimore church):
Introduction
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.....
Deteriorata! Deteriorata!
Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.
Ro-tate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,
Even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss.....and when!
Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that THREE.........do.
Wherever possible, put people on hold.
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer main-te-nance.
Chorus
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mu-ti-late.
Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.
Hire people with hooks.
For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Ken."
Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.
Chorus
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.
GIVE UP!
Reprise
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Deteriorata (Yet another version)
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three lefts do.
Wherever possible put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you;
That lemon on your left for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls,
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Carefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan,
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
For a good time, call 606-4311.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog
Is finally getting enough cheese;
And reflect that whatever fortunes may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Sioux City.
You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be,
Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.
--From the National Lampoon Radio Dinner album.
DESIDERATA (The original):
Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world in full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is: many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Often attributed as "Found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore: Dated 1692."
Actually, Desiderata was written in 1927 by an obscure Indiana lawyer and poet named Max Ehrmann.
Actual Band Names
Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:
[ a ]
· Albino Toilet Boys
· Alcoholocaust
· Alcoholics Unanimous
· Apocalypse Hoboken
[ b ]
· Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
· The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
· Band Over
· Band That Shot Liberty Valence
· Barbara's Bush
· Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
· The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
· The Boxing Ghandis
· Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
· Breakfast in Beruit
· Bulimia Banquet
[ c ]
· Caltransvestites
· Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
· Carnage Asada
· Cindy Brady's Lisp
· Cortizone 5
· Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death
[ d ]
· The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
· The Dead Sea Squirrels
· The Dead Kennedys
· The Dick Clarks
· The Dick Nixons
· Drunks With Guns
[ e ]
· e. coli
· Edith Head
· Electric Prostates
· Elvis Hitler
· Ethyl Merman
[ f ]
· Fearless Iranians From Hell
· Fields of Shit
· The 4-Skins
· Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
· The French are from Hell
· Fromage d'Amour
[ g ]
· Gefilte Joe and the Fish
· Gonoreagan
[ h ]
· Headless Marines
· Hell Camino
· Herpes Cineplex
· Hindu Garage Sale
· Hitler's Bikini
· HIV and the Positives
· Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
· Hornets Attack Minnie's Mouse
[ i ]
· Inhale Mary
[ j ]
· Janitors Against Apartheid
· Jehovah's Waitresses
· Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
· Jesus Christ Super Fly
· Jesus Chrysler Supercar
· Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
· JFKFC
· Jonestown Punch
[ k ]
· Kathleen Turner Overdrive
· Kerrigan's Knees
[ l ]
· Lack of Afro
· Lawn Piranhas
· The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
· Lee Harvey Keitel
· Lesbian Ninjas
· Louder Than God
[ m ]
· Mao Tse Helen
· Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
· Max Roach and the Holders
· Minnie Pearl's Jam
· Mr. Happy and the Genocides
· My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
[ n ]
· Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
· Nervous Christians and the Lions
· Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
· Not Drowning, Waving
[ p ]
· Pabst Smear
· Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
· Penis DeMilo
· Pepto Dismal
· Phenobarbidols
· Phlegm Fatale
· Poultry in Motion
· Pretentious Flamedogs
· The Pro-Midget Mafia
· Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
· Psycho Sluts from Hell
· Pungent Frustration
[ r ]
· Raging Pimps of Doom
· Reluctant Stereotypes
· Results of Inbreeding
· Retarded Elf
· Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
[ q ]
· Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
[ s ]
· Sandy Duncan's Eye
· Screaming Headless Torsos
· Screaming Iguanas of Love
· Screaming Moist Accountants
· Septic Death
· Seven Year Bitch
· The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
· Shirley Temple of Doom
· Shirley Temple Pilots
· Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
· Skeptic Tank
· Smegma & the Nuns
· Smorgasborgnine
· Solosex
· The Sound of Munich
· Spastic Colon
· The Sphinctones
· Stukas Over Bedrock
[ t ]
· Taliban Tootsies
· Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
· The Telephony Bandits of Doom
· Testostertones
· Thank God We're Immortal
· They Tried To Frame OJ
· To Live and Shave in LA
· Toxic Shock and the Tampons
· Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
· Tragic Mulatto Hairdo
· Transsexual Hitler
[ u ]
· Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
[ v ]
· The Velcro Pygmies
· Vic Morrow's Head
[ w ]
· The Well Hung Hungarians
· Willie Nelson Mandela
[ y ]
· Yoko Homo
[ z ]
· Zombies Under Stress
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