February lost....

I have a confession to make: I have always wanted to to be a cowboy.  Those that know me well probably wouldn't think that that is much of a stretch.  My desired alter ego is well justified, but only when you consider all the parts, does the cowboy personification make sense.  I have always sought the simpler life where I could be in awe of the beauty and ways of nature, without being hung up on the laws of man.  Who wants to dream of bills, taxes, traffic, smog, et cetera? That's what we already have. How about a place and time where all one had to worry about was a dry bed,  a full stomach and the majestic beauty of the night sky.  Your horse depends on you and you on him, and he has the best ear for listening without criticism. Living the "Cowboy Way" meant that your next best friend was whoever was ready to risk life and limb to help you in your justified pursuits, without a second thought.  Doing things because they are right in "God's eye", and not because someone on Earth said so. To live in that era would be amazing, but of course, utter fantasy.  There would always be a villain to attempt to ruin it for all.  Maybe this only exists in the movies. I don't know. The cowboy life was very hard and poorly rewarded, but for the clarity of mind released from the shackles of responsibility.

Wow, what a boatload for so early on a Sunday morning....
 

 

A Taste of Cowboy Wisdom

• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.
• Don't judge people by their relatives.
• Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town.
• When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
• Talk slowly, think quickly.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• It's better to be a has-been that a never-was.
• The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
  The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
• Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.
• Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' himdo it are two entirely different propositions.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
• You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'til they get thumped.(Character shows up best when tested.)
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, shouldn't it follow that cowboys would be deranged?
• There never was a horse that couldn't be rode; Never was a cowboy who couldn't be throwed.

Yesterday I was at the store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Max, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant??

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry? The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.

Dilemma du jour...

I see our payment to Cox Cable is going up again.  Isn't interesting how a lackluster performer can manage to somehow convince the powers that be in Santa Barbara to grant it an unchallenged monopoly over us.  And, worst of all, we have no recourse but continue to complain to those deaf ears of the powers that be!


I have considered the only other alternatives, satellite dishes.  There are definitely drawbacks.  In order to switch, one must grant the dish company at least a year contract, so you could be stuck.  During that contract, the prices are at teaser-rates, which tend to have one overlook the issues, since the price is so low.  Well, to service n TVs from a dish, one needs n heads on the dish, and  n decoder boxes.  I guess that isn't so bad, because all I would need would fit on one dish.  Then the decoder boxes are programmed to decode different  level of channels.  The cheapest one, of course, does have many channels, but not ALL the ones you are used to.  Soooo now you are paying for the next level of programming.  Before long, the bill is comparable to cable!

When are we going to be able to get a complete smorgasbord ?  I shouldn't have to pay for stations I will never watch and will probably program my TV to skip.

Then there is the issue with internet support.  Many people get it from their phone company, DSL.  If there are not many customers sharing one side of the switch, it is relatively fast.  The cable company has the same issue, but it's bandwidth is somewhat greater and can compensate for the shares.  The best, fastest internet that I can get in competition starved  Santa Barbara/Goleta is from the cable company.  So, if I was to switch to satellite, I would have to wire the internet from cable separately.  Now I would get two bills.  The cable company would want to charge me more because I don't get TV from them- in fact, I don't even know if they will supply internet only.


The best solution is fiber-optic connection directly to the house.  This has begun in many areas (of course not here).  The company pushing it is Verizon FIOS.  And, yes, this would be bi-directional at the speed-of-light--- so interactive TV would be available.


So there you have it, dilemma du jour...

The Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts

  

Finally...

I am thoroughly disgusted (of course, it does no good) in NBC's coverage of the Olympics.  It seems that every night, they keep the best events for post-11:30 pm.  We keep missing the best performances.  Perhaps it is REALLY time for a DVR, so we don't ever have to watch the crap they put on when we are awake...

Max has figured out that if we use the word "walk" in a sentence, he is probably going to be part of that action.  Last night, after Terre mentioned it, I went and sat down for a while, but he wouldn't sit down.  He began pacing until I was ready to go.  As soon as I grabbed his harness, he began jumping up and down and whining.  The dog is way too smart....

Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray...
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.  Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.  Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint. 
Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' 

Coasting into Friday....

A fabulous day today.  It looks like spring is here (except for predicted rain tomorrow and next week).  Finally shook the headache that I woke up with and it has made it glorious.

A word about the killer whale incident: We forget that no matter how much training and performing, that they are still wild.  They will never lose the fact that they are killer whales.  This is the same thought regarding the tigers mauled the trainer in Las Vegas, or the chimpanzee that attacked the woman.  They are wild animals, and although cute, still capable of wreaking havoc at their whim.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL A$$' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

One day, there were 2 elderly women sitting out front of their nursing home just shooting the breeze and smoking their cigarettes. Now these women were in their late 70's early 80's. They were having so much fun reminiscing about the old days, they didn't want to stop even though it began to rain. So they're reminiscing and smoking when the rains came. One of the old ladies, not want her cigarette to get wet, pulled out a condom and started to place it over the cigarette. The other old lady, looking confused and in shock, ask her, "What the heck are you doing with that condom?" The first old lady told her that she didn't want to get her cigarette wet with in the rain and the condom will keep it dry. Second old lady said that it was a VERY good idea and ask where she could get some condoms. The 1st lady told her that you can get them at the drug store.
The next day, the 2nd elderly woman went to the drug store and walked up to the pharmacists' counter. The pharmacist ask how he could help the old lady. She told him that she needed a pack of condoms. The pharmacist began to blush and was a little embarrassed, but kept being professional and asked her what type she wanted. She looked at the pharmacist without missing a beat and said, "Oh, it doesn't matter sonny as long as it fits a camel."

Rainy Again...

So where's all the hype this year for America's little sweetheart figure skater ?  The answer is that all we have is lackluster.  Add that the terrible coverage of NBC this year and at least one Olympic sport is ruined for me.  I have nobody to root for....and worse I'm falling asleep by the time it is on and end up missing the competitors.


Why has NBC decided to push all the coverage until late night ?  One would think that EASILY they could start at six each night and hopefully do a better job.


The other day when I had to go visit our attorney to sign papers for trust and wills, I thought I'd stop quickly to get a sandwich before returning to work.  I stopped at Subway.  I suppose it was a sandwich.  The bread was tasteless.  The lunchmeat, what there was of it, was like cardboard.  I waited in a long line while patrons led each sandwich maker though each condiment and addition to their sandwich.  Wouldn't it be a better way to tell the maker up front what you want on your sandwich, so we don't all have to listen to the barrage of questions regarding each item and wait for the patron to decide if he wants that or more of that or not that at all.  I lost it.  And they lost my sandwich.  Someone needed the toaster oven and they put my sandwich on top of it.  The makers couldn't figure out why I was standing there with no sandwich to question me about.  It was definitely comical.


Bottom line, though, Subway wasn't worth stopping at for whatever I might have saved by going there.


Today at lunch, I had to go down to AAA to pay a registration fee.  I stopped at the Plaza Deli in La Cumbre Plaza.  What a difference.  The sandwiches are all listed, along with all the extras that are on it.  I ordered and said, "Hold the onions...". and that is all that was necessary.  The bread was very good as were the pastrami, cheese, tomatoes and lettuce in the sandwich.  And, incidentally, the Plaza Deli was less money !!!  Boy has America been duped by fast-food chains into believing that they are better, cheaper and faster.  I proved it wrong again and have learned my lesson! (again).

Troubled...

My eyes bothered me all evening, but appear to be doing much better now.  I don't like having a cold, but it is still better than dealing with the flu- which, knock-on-wood, I didn't get this season.  It has always bothered me that the flu shots are only tested in the labs.  We are the beta testers.  Many people get sick or die from them.  I never get flu shots.  As I get older, I'm sure that I'll have to deal with that situation again.


I see now that more and more people are believing that there really is an electronic problem with the Toyota accelerator.  Also, the CEO said today that he regrets that safety suffered in the name of growth.  Now other officials are saying that the current recalls are not going to fix the main issue of uncontrolled acceleration.


I'm really disappointed that the inherently Japanese pride has disbursed in these products.  It will be a long time before consumer confidence will be restored.  Cutting the price or adding a large warranty will not cut it here.  It will take extraordinary measures.

Your Annual Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.
If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've decided on your answer.
OK?
Now relax, clear your mind and begin.





1. What do you put in a toaster?










Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.











2. Say 'silk ' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?











Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks, ' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?














Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from New York to Chicago. In Newark, 17 people get on the bus. In Bloomsburg, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Dubois, two people get off and four get on. In Youngstown, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Toledo, three people get off and five people get on. In Gary, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Chicago.
What was the name of the bus driver?













Answer: Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!


PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Movin-right along.....

This cold has gotten the best of me, at least as much as my eyes.. but for a Monday, this wasn't so bad.  I found a big nail in my tire, but then discovered it went in sideways and caused no leak!  What a deal.

 

The Dog that takes you into the Bar

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a nearby bar and walk up to it.

Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I do."
The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alrighty mister, go right in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.
The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "They gave me a chihuahua!?"

 

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a near by marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE! Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.'' :-)

I'm dragging today....

I'm really tired and crabby today.  I woke up with a cold.  My eyes were glued shut.  Now with drugs, I am making it through the day.

Last night, we went to see "From Paris with Love".  I found it entertaining despite that one very important scene was cut from the movie and I figured out who the villain was ten minutes into the movie.  One most important scene was supposed to tell us who was calling the main character throwout the movie and giving him orders.  We really never find out that he is probably CIA.  On the other hand, though, Travolta was "classic Travolta", if that is what you wanted.

 
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone,
she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. 

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

 

Needed break....

Fun day today running around doing errands.  We are going to a movie later.  Unfortunately I'm moving a bit slowly today as I woke up congested.  With the grace of drugs, I shall not waste this beautiful interstitial day between two storms.

The eighty-seven year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Jones but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband." She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Bob, do we still have intercourse?" And there was such a hush you could hear a pin drop. Bob answered impatiently,

"If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...

What we have is : Blue Cross!"

The US Standard railroad gauge

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

Finally Friday...

It seems that there are always complainers. Last night on KEYT, some woman complained that having a BevMo there where kids walk to school is bad. How ridiculous, since there is already a liquor store there and Trader Joe's, with no effect. The furniture store was a market previously and had no ill effect on traffic. The traffic on the street they are complaining about is an alley and the trucks are supposed to be there, not the cars.  


Is it that all SB people want to keep out chain stores ? If so then just say that instead of these stupid other reasons which are off the wall. I would rather have a busy occupied store with more traffic than an empty store gathering dust. It means more active local economy. Let's get with the solutions rather than obstacles to progress!

"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in

two people remembering the same thing."

"Substance"

I had a complaint that there wasn't enough substance to my blog entries.  That brings to mind what the purpose of the blog is.  I enjoy putting these entries together to share what I have found to be funny or intriguing or curious.  I could provide some opinion on something each day (I certainly have plenty of them), but perhaps I am softening in my advanced age, as even though I enjoy expressing them, many times they fall on deaf ears.  Bathing in my futility, I will continue to provide a sampling of what I think is funny or intriguing or curious along with a little bit more of my thoughts expressed into words.

Lately, we've all been seeing issues with Toyota.  They have fallen into the same trap that consumes most big companies on a regular interval.  They have lost touch with their most important product: consumer confidence.  In Toyota's zeal to become the largest producer of automobiles in the world it lost control of quality and reliability.  Will they ever come back ?  Of course they will.  They will have to prove, however, that there are no electronic issues with their cars that would tend to preempt fixed to the gas pedals or floor mats.  I tend to side with the consumer here: it will be a long time before I would consider buying another Toyota.  That isn't to say that similar problems don't exist with other brands.  We are all suffering from the surge of additional complexity of replacing functionality that was previously mechanical (reliable) to the latest-and-greatest electronics.  Used to be that I could work on cars in general, but as the complexity went up, and the need for electronic rather than mechanical tools, the fun was eliminated.

Finding time and money to follow some of my favorite activities has been really tough.  I don't have the energy or money that I once had.  I love to roam about and even hike with a camera.  I have always been amazed at what you can coerce the camera to see that is just not readily showing to casual observer.  Now with tools to manipulate the pictures electronically, one can actually make everyone believe that you are a much better photographer than you really are.  There is so much beauty to capture "on film"....

Isn't it interesting how the business plans and products of the largest and most successful companies have been falling apart ? Apple has just about done-in any kind of media recording of music.  It won't be long before video is only available the same way, electronic.  Now, the whole printing industry is being challenged by electronic publishing and new hand-held tools to read them.  I predict that within five years, we'll be reading magazines and newspapers electronically ONLY, and getting a paper version will be the exception.  One can already see the Apple effects on stores like Borders.  The number of CD aisles have shrunk by probably more than 90%.  Soon, the book aisles will have the same malady.  I predict we will no longer see stores that sell new books.

Well, I've probably been going on long enough for one day's worth... so on to a couple of funnies...

Long Wednesday...

I woke up with a tickle in my throat this morning and it has followed me all day.  I hope I can shake it off without any additional sickness. 

I realized how long it has been since I've seen Tori and I miss her.  Maybe we can go there next weekend.

  

 

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a  flat
stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while  drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

Almost hump day....

A gloriously beautiful day today of which I had to be stuck in a clean-room lab for more than three hours.  It made the time go by soooo slowly.



A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store
every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week,
he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt
he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting
lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon,
but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those
condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my chihuahua and now he
poops in little plastic bags."

Favorite excuses for missing work:

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and
give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.


I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I
insist on paying my fair share.

I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother
called me and told me I was Jewish.  I fell off the ladder.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

Happy Monday

It was such a BEAUTIFUL day today that I think springtime has already begun!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion ' s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ' Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I ' ve seen a man do in my whole life. '

The Harley rider replies, ' Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right. '

The reporter says, ' Well, I ' ll make sure this won ' t go unnoticed. I ' m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow ' s paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have? '

The biker replies, ' I ' m a U.S. Marine and a Republican. ' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media ' s approach to the news these days. 

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid outto use it and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good. 

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Happy Valentine's Day

Went to see Wolfman yesterday afternoon.  It is well conceived, scary, and bloody.  My wife screamed several times during the show, which added to the movie theater ambiance.  We liked it a lot!

Last night we went to a Valentine dinner at Jane.  A long the way fom the car, the SBIFF was going on at the Arlington.  Colin Firth was out front talking and shaking hands.  It was a huge crowd.  At any rate, the dinner was fantastic and we rotundly waddled back to the car, as we really overate.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

Saturday is the only day of the week in which the English name comes from Roman mythology

Battery is dead in the Vette again.  Time for a new one!  Going to one of my new favorite restaurants tonight, "Jane".  Great food!



An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!! 


TENJOOBERRYMUDS

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, 2 0boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so."
Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what judo wan sahn toes'
means."
Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin
we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying toast Fine....Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we
bodder on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"

And you thought you didn't speak a foreign language!!  

I like-um Friday...

Walked out on the Goleta pier today at lunch.  It was very pleasant.   There were about fifty pelicans floating in shallow water.  The surf caused hundreds of sandpipers to run back and forth repeatedly. There were kids playing on the beach.  I guess different schools get different days off for President's Birthdays.  Speaking of schools, there was a pod of porpoises swimming around and under the pier.  I'd wished I had my camera, but it is not something I carry all the time.  I have to admit, though, that if I did, I would probably find something to take a picture of each time I visited there.

While sitting in the lounge at the retirement center Edna and Ethel were talking about the old times. Edna asked, "Ethel, when you and George were young did you have mutual orgasms?" Ethel thought awhile and responded seriously, "No, I think we had State Farm." 

  
One day my mommy was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"