Picoftheweek

Picoftheweek
Waaaaaaaay too many to count...

My Statement

"Let me emphatically say that I am not anti-Facebook (Fleecebook), anti-smart phone, anti-Microsoft, anti-Apple, anti-Google or anti-Internet. I do believe, though, that the consumer is being ripped off of his privacy, identity and purchase history. We are being herded into a Facebook corner where what we "Like" and where we go physically and on the net will be scrutinized and sold numerous times to actually corrode and erode our culture while tempting us only with convenience, high tech and flashing video screens. The unsuspecting consumers need to be aware..." - Gary Lapman

Quote of Note

“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”-W.C. Fields

"For the strength of the Wolf is in the Pack, and the strength of the Pack is in the Wolf." - Rudyard Kipling

"Common sense is not so common. " -Voltaire

“Fame is vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, but only character endures.” - Matthew McConaughey

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him"

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason" - Jerry Seinfeld

"Fleecebook is free, you (and your identity) is the product!" - Gary Lapman


"Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves." - Eric Sevareid

"'Smart' phones are only smart for the cell phone providers!" - Gary Lapman

"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage (1791-1871)

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.” -Albert Einstein

"Technology creates the illusion of companionship without the intimacy of friendship." - unknown

"No worry, there's an app for that..." - Gary Lapman

Sunday, September 21, 2014

As if it would never happen...

Last Tuesday was a "face the music" kind of day.  While halfheartedly I have had my Corvette up for sale for two years, it hasn't been serious enough of an effort that I would have expected to pan out.  It is like I knew that I had to sell it, but I really didn't want to.  Over the years it has come to be part of my identity and a very enjoyable side pleasure to shine it and occasionally drive it.  I say that because I guarded the mileage to be enough to keep everything in working order, but not to "rack up" too fast.  Low mileage for a fifty-three year old car was a big selling point.

Well the sale day came and went, with the telltale reminder every time I enter the garage, being that it is empty.  Yesterday was my yearly volunteer effort at helping out at the local Lemon Festival and Classic Car Show.  My eyes did tear up when the old Corvettes began parading in.  My throat swelled and making that timely swallow was a bit more difficult.  I made it throughout the show and my judging efforts, but not without the heavy thoughts of replacement of that which I have given up, possibly even with a different marque...


 Walking...

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.

- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!




Redneck Etiquette
 

On Driving:
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. Most consider it unsafe, if not downright stupid...

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially while driving.

On Personal Hygiene:
It is best to partake in some form of personal hygiene.

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN keys.

The same goes with biting and picking one's toenails. And never should one partake in this personal endeavor at the dinner table.

While Entertaining in Your Home:
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

On Dating:
If you go fishing, always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive yet polite. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

On Attending The Theatre:
For the best enjoyment for all, crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

On Wedding Attendance:
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

If you are so honored to be the groom, it is best to refrain from bringing a date.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. It's just too hard to explain...

Etiquette for All Occasions:
Never take alcohol to a job interview, and especially don't offer it to the interviewer.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler or bottle to church.

Always try to identify people in your yard before shooting them.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive the U-Haul van in the funeral procession.




Friday, September 12, 2014

My two cents....or more...


Another 9/11 has gone by.  I can't help but to expect that there will be some sort of attack attempt on the homeland by the extremists of ISIS anytime soon.  It is such a waste to attempt to drive a 21st century population back to a 7th century culture and by using methods that are contrary to all Muslim beliefs.  These people are just wrong, very wrong.  We cannot sit idly by and let this continue unfettered.  I am glad that the POTUS has put together a coalition (especially containing Arab countries) to go after these animals. ISIS is funding their efforts by raping Iraq of its oil profits.  IMHO, therein lies the solution.  Not only do we need to stop them, but we must cut off their monetary support.  Also, anyone that trades with them has already picked which side of the issue they are on.  Cut off the head of the snake next, and the whole of them will surrender to Allah.

So much for those nasty current events.  They get my blood pressure up (and my ire).  I am trying very hard to be positive and not dwell on my current predicament.  Eviction procedures have begun to get the elephant out.
 

I am in the process (once again) of re-branding myself to better fit into the opportunities as they present themselves.




Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.   --Janis Joplin-- 




Loudspeaker

A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency." All our confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."

Sunday, September 7, 2014

It's a mad , mad world...

So the "quietness" to the job market during the "end of summer" is over.  Now, positions that were offered and  my application not yet acted upon are being re-thought by those companies.  The business that they expected hasn't shown yet or the department has decided to go into a different direction.  Bottom line: my pipeline of applications is probably empty now.  It is time to re-spin my resume and letter of introduction (at least through a process of natural evolution, if nothing else), and stretch into a possible fit into another offered position.  There are so few of them that is is really discouraging and depressing, but the choice is not mine.

Meanwhile my Corvette is once again listed in the Montecito market and is receiving some attention-, at least "lookee-loo" attention.  One guy came and drove the car, loved it and then decided he was going to pursue a red one that was similarly equipped.  Thanks for taking up my time, gasoline, and efforts.  I'm glad (sic) that I could be of service - NOT.  When I advertise, I asked for serious buyers only to call.  I guess he was serious, but not about my car...

I go "great guns" at processing position-offerings in the morning.  By afternoon, I am depressed and wondering if that was the last technical job that I was going to ever have.  Funny, because in my estimation, the last work that I did was some of my best.  The result worked, was showy and very fast.  I was happy with the results and they surpassed what was expected.  A year later, it is still being used on a 24-7 basis, and working as desired. I truly don't want it to be the end of my "work" days, but at the very least, it was a success.

Meanwhile, it appears that the world is falling apart, between Ukraine vs. Russia, ISIS vs Iraq, ISIS vs Syria, ISIS vs USA, overzealous police in the US, weird weather all over, Ebola, and all the other crises the world around.  There is that things in general always seem to get worse just when we think they are getting better- even if it is just for a short time...






Father's Lesson
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.

His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says.

His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.



Whoops...
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bath room changing out of her hospital gown." 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

How rude...

I make a point of never ever being late.  If I was or couldn't make an appointment, I would try many different ways, if necessary, to make contact and apologize.  That being said, I recently decided to be more active in my pursuit of a buyer for my Vette.  My wife suggested putting an ad in a local weekly throwaway.  I was happy at the response I got in the first few days.  After trading emails and phone calls with one perspective buyer (who genuinely appeared very interested), we made an appointment for him to come over and see the car.  

I went through the usual detailing effort, and actually I had set the whole day aside because of him coming that afternoon.  I waited and waited.  I remembered that I had given him my cell number in case he got lost.  He never showed up.

I started to send him an email detailing how inconsiderate he was, but then I remembered that he had my address, my email address, house phone and cell phone.  He could make my life miserable if I pissed him off, or worse, he could steal the car!

This new found cultural attitude sucks.  People are just not courteous anymore.  For some reason (beyond me) they think it is no longer necessary or desirable.  These, of course, are the same people that fight us for a parking space at Christmas, or throw trash out their window, or change lanes (or turn) without signalling.  They fit into a whole new category of people that probably didn't exist in a previous generation.  Stupid usually cures itself, but rude and inconsiderate just appears to keep bouncing along...




Modern Medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...:

St. Mom's Wort -- Plant extract that treats Mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen -- Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Flipitor -- Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics -- When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin -- Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..."

Buyagra -- Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all -- Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin -- Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident -- A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Ragaman -- When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


The Future
A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."


Shyness?

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?!"


The Future

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."