Good and Bad... The Sign of the Times

The interview was pretty good (as far as I was concerned).  I believe the reaction that I was getting was also very good.  It lasted five and a half hours! One doesn't want to put all one's eggs into one basket, but activity in the market appears to have slowed dramatically.  

Meanwhile I have discovered a few more former work associates that were also recently laid off.  I certainly don't enjoy other having to deal with my situation, but it is comforting that they are having just as much difficulty getting companies to bite on the bait that is offered.  

This is definitely a sign of the times.  Our disposable society has now learned how easy it is to dispose of (and forget about) an application that was electronically submitted.  It has made the job of the HR representative much easier, while the applicant suffers.  Considering the number of unemployed that want to get new jobs, the tables should be turned...

Aches and Pains

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

Murphy's Laws Of Combat
- If the enemy is in range, so are you.

- Incoming fire has the right of way.

- Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

- There is always a way.

- The easy way is always mined.

- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

- Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them.

- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

- If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

- The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

- A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

- If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

- Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

- Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

- If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

- When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

- Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

New Dictionary
While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary. 

The luck of the Irish- except I'm not...

Finally.  It is almost like trying to find a 777 in the Indian Ocean.  Success comes in small steps.  I finally have landed an interview with a company offering job I want.  I am sooo looking forward to it.  Many people actually believe that staying home is fun.  Let me tell you; it is not fun when your future is up in the air.  It is downright frustrating.  It is not within your control.  Those days are over.  I would love to get a job and then take a long vacation, knowing that it was waiting for me when I return.  I have been working since I was fourteen.  It is not (in anyway or form) normal for me to not have a job.  If this pans out, I will be done with dealing with HR shenanigans, headhunters, and career reinvention gimmicks.  What a happy day that will be...

Two Elderly People
This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Sweatshirt or Windbreaker
A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

Spelling Information
"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor." 

More of the same...

As the local HR honchos peruse my fate (or not), I sit here with baited ear (??) awaiting their discovered need for my talents.  Which ones of the positions I applied for was a real position and which were just facades trying to collect possible and potential future fishes to bait?  Time will tell.

So are no calls better than negative ones ???

Two caterpillars
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."

Fixing Broken Computers
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Trivia
Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy ..

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

As the world turns...

My applications are complete.  I have reviewed the positions daily, and yet I have received numerous pre-screening calls and emails.  There is a reluctance to commit, even for an in-person interview.  Recently, I read about a new smart phone app that allows one to apply for an open position by just a few strokes across the screen.  This totally removes the applicant's capability to customize the application in any way.  It may even mean that the application is accomplished by a directive to look at my LinkedIn page, instead of the usual letter of introduction and resume.  IMHO, this fits with the reluctance (or gained comfort) of socially networking electronically.  So, date electronically, have an electronic wallet, give everyone (including the gubmint) all of your vital information and then sit back while someone else utilizes your identity!  I resent the non-personalization, the reluctance to address each other in-person.

Currently, I am awaiting for no less than five phone interviews, because the companies I applied to don't want the expense of time or money to interview in-person, unless, of course,  you have scored very high on the "this is just a formality, as he is the best candidate that applied for this job and we are going to offer it to him right after the interview" list.

Military Medical Clinic
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

Don't Touch Me
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not", he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead".

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

A Following Person
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."

"I wonder why," the teacher mused.

"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.

"A what?" the teacher asked.

"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

Hippopotamus, New York
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.

"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.

Donkey Raffle
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

Looks bad on resume cover letters
1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."

6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.

7. Happy faces.

8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.

9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.

Stop redundancy
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

Lackluster Reality

I wish that I had good things to say, but...

Didn't we all enjoy the Olympics (at least for a week)?  Seventeen days of coverage, even though prime time only got the highlights, was a bit much.  This year just didn't do it for me.  From what I hear, the security was so overwhelming that there was not the usual exchange of culture between the athletes, guests and the residents.  The village was not designed for that, nor was it recommended to leave the village.  The boredom at the village was shared with the coverage. It is unfortunate, but Sochi was not the best (or close) place to hold Winter Games.  Most of the skiing issues were having to deal with melting snow and iciness.  It was hard to tell that any other countries besides Netherlands, Norway, Russia, Ukraine, USA or Japan were competing, since that amounted to about 99% or more of the coverage.

While this was all going on, the Ukraine was going through a revolution. The Russians are now reacting with their ever-present security keepers (i.e.; soldiers).  I am quite sure the Russians would love to create another union of states, even if they are not Soviet.

Meanwhile back on the home-front, the job market has not improved.  If anything, it is worse than before. Given that I can convince a potential employer that I will perform for them, I will probably have to take a position that is beneath my capabilities and experience level.

So I keep optimistic that an over-fit and under salary will still produce a job.  At least it is finally raining in California!

Stolen
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the
police station where she was searched fingerprinted, photographed, and
placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What
Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I
assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless