Life As We Know It

This is real scary.  Read these articles Plastisphere & Marine Ecosystem and scare yourself silly.

It looks like oil could be the detriment to societal evolution that could force man to extinction or to another planet!  Imagine the pollution (as in China now), from coal generating plants and unbridled or filtered gasoline engine exhaust.  This helping to create a gradual deterioration of the ozone layer and global warming.  If that isn't bad enough, reading this article informs me that the lowest forms of life in the ocean is getting plasticized with minute pieces of plastic pollution.  How will that effect the food chain?  How will that effect evolution?  How will that effect human physiology?  Is it reversible?

All the more reason to get away from oil and oil products (i.e. plastic).  There are good substitutes for oil products such as glass, vegetable-starch plastics, et cetera.  We (global we) need to move in that direction very fast and very hard.

The first thing we can do is to stop buying (and propagating the use of) plastic bottles (such as for water).  It would be an AMAZING feat to wean the world off of the use of plastic bottled water.  I am as guilty as anyone liking the convenience... but it is killing us somewhere else.

Sign of the Season

Socrates
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

Minimum Wage Earner

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

Just a Spark

Working at Casa Esperanza and serving Christmas Eve dinner to the less fortunate was a good experience.  I worked in the kitchen first, cutting cooked chicken and emptying cans of applesauce.  Eventually, all the food was brought out to a buffet line and a long line formed.  We filled trays with chicken, potatoes, rice, salad, yogurt, corn, and desserts.  Everyone was very thankful and polite.

This place is much different than the Rescue Mission, as it provides showers and lodging.  Everyone that came to dinner was clean and planning on settling down for the evening watching TV after dinner, and then sleeping in the provided warmth.  I definitely recommend that everyone perform this service, at least once, any time of the year.  We were invited to return.

Meanwhile, a spark of spirit began to appear and I guessed I was ready for the next day.  After we left there, we drove up the main part of downtown to find a place for our dinner, and then we had to return and fill the stockings and put out gifts under our tree for the next morning.

While our celebration was definitely toned down, because of my elephant in the corner, but also because our kids are much older and know where this stuff comes from.

We also had a quiet holiday dinner with just two of our kids (Brett is in Montana for the holiday season).  It was quite wonderful.  We had prime rib, loaded mashed potatoes and gravy and a string bean casserole.  The temptations of desserts were on display, but would have to wait.  

We packed dinner away and then headed out to see a movie.  The movie of choice was American Hustle.  The performances of Christian Bale and Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper was absolute perfection.  I would not be surprised to see this movie walk away with many Oscars.  These actors have become our new favorite stars, each in their own right.  We highly recommend the experience of traveling back to the seventies while watching this movie.

A couple was going out
for the evening. They had gotten ready, put the dog outside, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out, the dog runs back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

Spirit Versus Holiday Rush

During our everyday rush, we usually see someone with sign begging for some financial help, due to homelessness, or being unemployed, or something.  Like many people, I usually ignore them because I have difficulty believing that they are what they say.  I usually make my donations via charities.

My wife, on the other hand, usually buys them something to eat and gifts them, surprising many that just wanted the cash.

This year, besides my monetary contributions and foodstuffs to the local Foodbanks, we decided to get closer to the spirit of  contribution.  We also needed a transfusion of Christmas spirit, if that's possible.  We volunteered to serve lunch yesterday at the Rescue Mission, and serve dinner tonight at Casa Esperanza.  In this fashion, I will feel that my time and very little effort will be utilized at the lowest level- "where the rubber meets the road", so to speak.

Serving lunch yesterday was a good experience and we met many grateful people, and a few friends that were also volunteering.

Don't let the Holiday rush get the best of you.  Let your hearts give of your time and spirit.  Try to go with the flow...

CORPORATE Christmas MEMO

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays all!!

Spirits?

While I still have wrapping and some Christmas shopping to do, I am really getting bored.  It is amazingly difficult to be home, especially when everyone else (save the dog and cat) are gone.  TV sucks, even more than at night.  I'm pretty caught up on my "Honey-do-list", and I just don't have any holiday spirit this year.

We have already done some volunteer work and plan to serve dinner on Christmas Eve to the unfortunate.  I hope that my spirits rise, but so far no-go.

Perhaps my spirits will pick up if I drink some....

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

I was driving along
in the used car I just bought off of craigslist when the check engine light came on. I forgot to do that before buying so I was worried it might have the wrong engine

so I popped the hood and it had a decent looking V8, as advertised so I thought to myself good, I wasnt ripped off I said thanks to the car and acknowledged that its a nice engine, and figured it was all good. the light was still on, so maybe it meant performance check, so I floored it in neutral and the rev limiter worked fine, but the light was still on. so then I put it in D & floored it up till it pegged the speedometer, and all was good, I drove to the mountains and drove as hard and fast as I could, but its still telling me to check the engine. how do you do it?

needless to say I got tired of checking the engine after I burned up a pair of tires, 5 tanks of gas I and found myself in the canadian wilderness.

so I taped over the light.

Becoming Unsocial

When my daughter got to high school, I decided to get a Facebook account.  This was more to watch over her page and protect her from putting the wrong stuff on her page.  She graduated from college this year in May, so it is high time that I stop looking at her page or my son's.  Today I DEACTIVATED my account, since Fleecebook won't let you close your account down!

This was prompted because I finally have had it with my settings changing at Zuckerberg's whim. I changed my settings for notices- shut them off, then the automatic updates of the app on my phone reverses that- or loses the settings.  How can I tell? My niece seems to post all kinds of crap in ten minute intervals, for the WORLD to marvel at.  I don't care about being notified or even seeing what she has magically come up with since the last post.  Also, my kids seem to go out of their way to post crap that pisses me off for some reason or another, so I give up.  I just GIVE UP.

When I bought the smart phone (I really had no choice, if I wanted a new phone- but that's another story), it came with Fleecebook permanently installed (I'm sure they paid plenty for that).

If anybody cares, I am available by email (three accounts), cell phone, home phone, and strangely as it may seem (I guess I'm an old geezer for saying this), I'm mostly available IN-PERSON.  If someone wants to share an experience, picture or invitation (not likely), I'm sure they can find me (much happier without Fleecebook notifications).

Fleecebook tells me that they are keeping my account for me while it is deactivated- SHOULD I EVER CHANGE MY MIND!

Just in case you don't know or have forgotten why I call Facebook as Fleecebook, let me explain:  Most people see Facebook as a wonderment of science that provides all kinds of fun things to do- and for free!  What they very quickly forget (if they ever knew) is that the data they post is the product that Fleecebook gathers, sorts, rearranges and SELLS.  It is a painless operation as your identity and personality is sucked away into the databases of Facebook- (i.e. from Wikipedia: To fleece someone, slang term for causing someone to be ripped off, or an unfair transaction.). Hence Facebook fleeces their users of their identity.....

Refusing to Take the Blame
As we head into for the holidays, a friend of mine sent me some of my favorite candy. He sent two pounds.

Of course, I had to send a proper thank-you message. We chat a lot by e-mail, so that's how I sent it. The subject line was "I'm personally blaming you" -- and inside it continues "...for my holiday weight gain...."

His reply was priceless. You can sort of tell he provides services for attorneys:

THIS IS AN AUTO-RESPONDER MESSAGE

PLEASE EXCUSE THE DELAY IN THIS RESPONSE; OUR SERVERS ARE OVERLOADED WITH AUTO-RESPONSES FOR MESSAGES TO OUR DOMAINS CONTAINING THE SUBJECT

"I'm personally blaming you"

We are sorry that due to the extremely large volume of messages blaming Delbert D. Mactavish, his corporations, employees, affiliates and minions, we are unable to respond individually to your complaints.

Please be aware that we are extremely sympathetic to your concerns. We wish to sincerely apologize for any or all of the following conditions that may or may not have been directly or indirectly caused by any action or inaction of Mr. Russell D. Waters, his corporations, employees, affiliates, minions or any other construed or inconstrued agencies:

1. Unexpected pregnancy
2. Computer crashes
3. Sudden weight gain or loss
4. Dizziness
5. Urge to sign up for Hotmail
6. Desire to upgrade to Windows 8
7. Affection for the latest iPhone
8. ADD
9. ADHD
10. Any other physical, emotional, mental or extraterrestrial disorder

While our court supervised bankruptcy status will not permit remuneration now or in the future, we do deeply regret any suffering even remotely caused by our negligence, malpractice or premature rebooting.

Have a beer!
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson

All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson 

Brrrrrrrr

Well, one thing that I can say without hesitation:  I can certainly handle heat better than cold.  Little reminders, such as this week's weather means there is no doubt that I will ever want to live in places that get real weather.

Not much news to share, except how much I continue to dislike the holiday season for what it has become.  It is way too commercial and geared towards spending.  Very little effort is put into the true meaning of Christmas, anymore.

Black Friday, green Friday.. whatever color you call it is just a guilt-ridden invitation to go into debt to take advantage of sales.  Gotta have this, gotta have that.  Let's put our Christmas stuff out before Halloween...  Why not leave it out all year around?  This is a short buying/selling season this year, so things are worse than usual... much worse.

It all gets back to my original desire to return to simpler times.  You could leave your front door unlocked, trust your neighbors, teachers and Priests.  Nobody wanted to hurt anybody else.  Everyone worked towards the greater good.  

There were no homeless, because neighbors would take them in.  There were no complaints about displaying the Ten Commandments or the Star of David.  People worshiped however they wished.

I think those days are gone, and so are the places where that could exist.  Too bad.

Air New Zealand
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."

Her Facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies.

"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and, upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the heck, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old."

"That is amazing!" the stunned the woman says. "How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

In a small Southern town
there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

A New Breed of HR

Talk about electronic courtesy: so far not one of my callbacks following a job application has netted a returned call, as I left a voice mail message for each of the human resource types.  These must be a new breed of HR people.  They don't answer the phone in person, and they don't return calls unless it is to their own advantage.  It is a cold, cold world out there...

Another interesting tidbit is that many of the companies that I have applied to also have openings for web designers.  It is no doubt that they are needed, as most company websites are poorly designed and not intuitive in the least.  They suffer from the biggest problem that human interfaces have: the people that implement them are not the users.  They are too close to their own work, cannot see the forest for the trees...

I received a returned call from an HR representative today, and I was in shock.  I thanked her and explained how rude most of them are.  She agreed.

Today, I have trouble, much trouble, drumming up some holiday spirit.  Last night I wangled out of going to the the annual Christmas parade, considering it was colder than a well digger's behind and the parade is always the same.  The only time it is different is the first time you see it, or if one of your kids are in it.

We are invited to a holiday pot luck party tonight, but I really don't want to go.  I don't want to discuss the elephant in the room or try to be festive when I'm not. I think putting it aside for my wife (if she asked) would be okay, but I really have no desire to go.  

The Christmas shopping season is extremely short this year and I'm not sure how I will contend, as I have no idea what to buy- nor can I justify the expense.  A big thank-you to my ex-employer for making this the best holiday season ever.  They expect our hard work and loyalty, but that is as far as it goes...I don't want to be called a Scrooge this year, so I will probably fake a smile and play along.

The Politically Correct 12 Days Of Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and…
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Electronic Courtesy? Good Luck.

In this high tech world, where a printed resume with beautiful fonts and emphasized highlights won't cut it anymore, one would think that courtesy comes in an electronic flavor to match the required format of the application.  Apply, apply and apply again, and then you must wait.

Used to be, one would make that awkward follow-up call to get one's resume to the top of the pile again.  That may not work any longer.  Many of the the company websites do not provide physical addresses or phone numbers, but instead, a form to fill that will be emailed to the appropriate "filter" person.  More electronic queues...

So what do you do while you wait, besides more applications?  How about volunteering at a charity or taking a class to enrich your capabilities?  This is a new "employment" world that I never wanted or expected to experience again.  I just know that I am not ready to join the rocking-chair set and still don't have the patience for golf.  I have bills to pay just like everyone else, but the only feeling of emergence are my own- apparently.

 

Cheer Up

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

All those nights when you've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail;
And your third fiance didn't show;

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Morning
Lord give me a fake smile for the people I can tolerate until they go away, and a place to hide the bodies of those I can't. 

It's Beginning to Feel A Lot Like Christmas - NOT

Can you actually believe that it is December ALREADY ?  Of course, COSTCO had some Christmas stuff on the shelves before Halloween... but we don't take it seriously.  I have friends that always have their Christmas shopping done before December 1st.  That is not fair... they need to suffer with the rest of us.

Thanksgiving went off without a hitch..  Much thanks to Bobby Flay for the stuffing and turkey assistance, and to Paula Deen for the holiday pies.  Everything was way too scrumptious.  Now I have to figure out how to lose it all before Christmas gets here.

I am planning to make a conscious effort to volunteer somewhere before Christmas.  It is my new "top of the Christmas season list" item.  I need to pick someplace that I know is doing good AND will make me feel good about volunteering.  Hopefully it is a remedy for despair... We all should do that sometime during the year.

How to Identify Where a Driver is From

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

You're stuck between the Baby Boomers and Generations X'ers if:

1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.

3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don't make me repeat it...)

4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.

6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.

9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger... When I was your age... You know,back when...

13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what's your function....).

14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.

15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace".

16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

17. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.

20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."

21. You've shopped at a Benetton.