Soooooooo tomorrow is Mother's Day. Last year, we couldn't get my wife to commit to anything AND she decided she wanted to stay home alone and have us all leave! We wouldn't hear any of that. We, the kids and I, made plans for a picnic in wine country and some wine tasting. Apparently that sounded good to her and she was convinced to join us. We all had a great time.
This year, she says that she wants to do the same thing except that this time she wants to pick the winery stops. That sounds great. It was my job to put together the picnic lunch- which in itself- sounds easy, right ?
I wanted this to be a bit special and decided to go to a special bakery downtown for rolls and bread for dagwood sandwiches. I was kept so busy, that I got there five minutes after two today, and they closed at two. Disappointment and anxiety is setting in, big time now. I didn't want to get such a late start, but my wife kept me busy with the honey-do's....
I left D'Angelos bakery, and quickly thought where else I could get "special" bread, since I was downtown already. I aimed for Lazy Acres Market. There I found relatively good rolls, but no bread AND no acceptable desserts. I proceeded to Gelson's, and likewise was disappointed. Next was Whole Foods and I was disappointed there as well. Finally, I decided to stop at Panera Bread and found something acceptable.
Here all I had attacked was bread and rolls, and I still had a long list. I headed to Ralph's (because I could get my wife's favorite ice cream there). Almost two hundred dollars later, I had still not completed the list.
On the way home I stopped at Albertson's and CVS looking for a plastic table cloth for the picnic table. No such luck.
I stopped at Fresco to get some cupcakes for dessert and headed home to get the groceries (especially the ice cream) into the fridge.
Then I left again to go to another Albertson's for a table cloth, and hit the fruit stand down the street for some fresh cherries.
Finally I could come home and stay.
So you are probably saying to yourself, by now, why is he sharing this story? Well, except for the bakery in the beginning, I had been stopping a supermarkets that try to do everything (do it all in one stop), but don't do anything particularly very well.
I would have gone to another bakery, if there was one around that made bread. Instead, they specialize in fruit pies or cupcakes. All of my efforts forced driving all over town, when if the ma and pa stores were still in business, I could have covered everything in only one or two blocks. The big stores have ruined it for all of us.
Definitions
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!
1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
5) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
7) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
8) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Patio Problem
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
Blonde Riding a Horse
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.
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