One Day Holiday

This holiday weekend was way too short.  We had lots to do around the house, but Monday was set aside to do as little as possible.  We did go to visit the I Modonnari celebration at the local Mission.  The highlights can be seen on Edhat.  Other than that, we watched movies.  Two of them we rented from Redbox and two we went to the theater to see.

"Parker" is a typical Jason Statham movie, with much fighting and killing.  It was an action packed thriller. 
"Seven Psychopaths" is one of those movies where the preview uses up all the good scenes of the movie.  There was nothing left to keep you awake, as the movie begins while a scriptwriter is having issues writing, and then the script unfolds into what we watch.  Pure garbage...

Having seen the first five "Fast and Furious" movies, we were attracted to see the latest installment.  It was excellent.  It is exactly what one needs to get a muscle car injection of action.  The fight scenes, especially between Gina Carano and Michelle Rodriguez are fantastic.  Never a dull moment in this one. Excellent special effects...

The crowning glory of the weekend's films was certainly "Star Trek Into Darkness" in 3D.  Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 95% and I concur.  Not only has J.J.Abrams put his mark on this episode, but also he has reached into the past to "update" one of the best foes ever in Star Trek history, Ricardo Montalban's portrayal of Khan.  The story was multi-plotted, as most of Abrams work is.  It was very difficult to find anything wrong with this movie- at all.  It went by so fast, that it gave you the feeling of being too short, even though is was more than two hours long.

What is Black?
Shopping for a black cotton sweater, I couldn't find anything suitable in a trendy Berkeley clothing store. A helpful saleswoman offered to check the store catalogue.

After flipping through the pages, she looked up in consternation. "Mark," she called to her co-worker, "what are we calling black this year?"

No Sound Support

I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information.

So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way.

Almost.

Saleswoman: "Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?"

Customer: "What exactly does a 'modem with no sound support' mean?"

Saleswoman: "It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it."

Customer: "What does the modem have to do with that?"

Saleswoman: "Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet."

Customer: "So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?"

Saleswoman: "Yes."

Customer: "How does it accomplish this feat?"

Saleswoman: "I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold."

I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.

Declaration Of Independence Reply

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

Cultural Adversity

In so many ways it is very cool and interesting that various parts of this country have different and diverse cultures.  It is way fascinating to visit the Southwest to experience the Mexican or Indian cultures, or the Northwest to experience the outdoorsy (hunting, fishing, climbing, ...) aspects of life there.

My wife comes from the Midwest, Cincinnati to be sure.  That makes her very special, because she grew up with the local Ohio culture, and then moved to California and was transmogrified (love that word) into a more respectful and appreciative person of all the various colors, creeds and religions of the hugely varied population of California. 

Her sister, on the other hand,  visited us recently for my daughter's graduation, which is always an "eye opener" for us, as to her past.  That kind of world still exists in many places. The people of Cincinnati are certainly not alone in their bigoted and resentful beliefs and actions.  Exposure to that kind of thinking cures you from ever considering the possibility of returning to that place or moving there as a new adventure.  [The weather alone would keep me away, but this is certainly the icing on the cake.]

I consider my wife is very extra special indeed.  She is kind and caring and blind to color, creed or religion.  She stops to help homeless people and even frequently buys them a meal. She is what the people of the Midwest should aspire to be.  I really appreciate her more than she knows.

It is really a shame that exposure to goodness doesn't cure badness, like exposure to love should cure hatred.  If that were the case, we would put everyone on trains from coast to coast to experience everyone else's culture and the world would definitely be a better place, as they say "Experience Whirled Peas"...

Since I'm usually writing this on Friday, I am already exhausted from the week's activities.  I can honestly say that I am really looking forward to having Monday off.

Remember for the Holiday Weekend
Ten per cent of all accidents on the road are caused by people who have been drinking.

So ninety per cent of accidents are due to people who are stone cold sober. So pick your designated driver carefully!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Mutual Attraction
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Cynical Meanings
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Cooking Woes
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. 

Hectic

hec·tic  

/ˈhektik/

Adjective Full of frantic activity. Relating to or denoting a regularly recurrent fever typically accompanying tuberculosis.

Synonyms feverish - febrile

While I took a few days off to visit with my Sister-in-law as she was visiting from Cincinnati to see my daughter graduate from Occidental College over the weekend, I can attest that that those days were not as hectic as both Saturday and Sunday in Eagle Rock.  

We finally managed to get packed for our overnight stay, get the dog delivered to the kennel, get the cat fed for two days and get out of Santa Barbara by about noon. I also had tools on board to do a repair at my daughter's house.  Soooo, I had to do the repair, then find our hotel check-in and change clothes for dinner, and then meet for dinner.  We arranged to have dinner with one of Tori's roommates' families, as well- so there were fourteen of us.  Finding the restaurant was easy, but finding parking was another story.

Meanwhile, we scored an outdoor table in the restaurant's patio.  The service and food was exemplary!  It was a great time for all that attended.  Then we were invited to visit a local college bar, which we did.  I felt a bit out of place, after a bit, and we left.  We planned to get up early the next day to try to get some shady seats at the ceremony. 

We got up at 5:45 (it wasn't still dark).  We got cleaned up, ready, checked out- after eating muffins with cold dark liquid (from the hotel) that smelled like coffee.

When we arrived, the seats we hoped to get were occupied.  Even though the ceremony didn't start until 9:00, the Greek theater was filling up quickly- luckily the sun was still hidden behind a thick cloud covering.  Certainly, just as the band fired up for the pre-graduates to begin filing into the stadium, the sun exploded upon us brightly, kicking up the temperature by at least twenty degrees.

The glee club sang, the speakers spoke, then the degrees were handed out and as my daughter's name was called- it felt like the blood was draining out of my head.  The occasion finally hit home.

While circumnavigating the thousands of spectators and families and after many pictures and lunch, we faced the traffic once more to get home and drifted about pensively accepting my daughter's new title - "The Graduate".

The Chicken Gun
Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
 

Headlines from the Year 2029

- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia ( formerly California).

- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).

- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

- 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Mother's Day Woes

Soooooooo  tomorrow is Mother's Day.  Last year, we couldn't get my wife to commit to anything AND she decided she wanted to stay home alone and have us all leave!  We wouldn't hear any of that.  We, the kids and I, made plans for a picnic in wine country and some wine tasting. Apparently that sounded good to her and she was convinced to join us.  We all had a great time.

This year, she says that she wants to do the same thing except that this time she wants to pick the winery stops.  That sounds great.  It was my job to put together the picnic lunch- which in itself- sounds easy, right ?

I wanted this to be a bit special and decided to go to a special bakery downtown for rolls and bread for dagwood sandwiches.  I was kept so busy, that I got there five minutes after two today, and they closed at two.  Disappointment and anxiety is setting in, big time now.  I didn't want to get such a late start, but my wife kept me busy with the honey-do's....

I left D'Angelos bakery, and quickly thought where else I could get "special" bread, since I was downtown already.  I aimed for Lazy Acres Market.  There I found relatively good rolls, but no bread AND no acceptable desserts.  I proceeded to Gelson's, and likewise was disappointed.  Next was Whole Foods and I was disappointed there as well.  Finally, I decided to stop at Panera Bread and found something acceptable.

Here all I had attacked was bread and rolls, and I still had a long list.  I headed to Ralph's (because I could get my wife's favorite ice cream there).  Almost two hundred dollars later, I had still not completed the list.

On the way home I stopped at Albertson's and CVS looking for a plastic table cloth for the picnic table.  No such luck.

I stopped at Fresco to get some cupcakes for dessert and headed home to get the groceries (especially the ice cream) into the fridge.

Then I left again to go to another Albertson's for a table cloth, and hit the fruit stand down the street for some fresh cherries.

Finally I could come home and stay.

So you are probably saying to yourself, by now, why is he sharing this story?  Well, except for the bakery in the beginning, I had been stopping a supermarkets that try to do everything (do it all in one stop), but don't do anything particularly very well.

I would have gone to another bakery, if there was one around that made bread.  Instead, they specialize in fruit pies or cupcakes.  All of my efforts forced driving all over town, when if the ma and pa stores were still in business, I could have covered everything in only one or two blocks.  The big stores have ruined it for all of us.

Definitions

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

7) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

8) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

Patio Problem

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"

Blonde Riding a Horse

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.

The Oldie Isn't Moldy

It seems that our sabre rattler in North Korea has given up for the time being...

So I had a visit from someone interested in my Vette, this morning.  He thinks he wants a car from his birth year.  

It is really hard to know what you want in a classic car, something you will not drive everyday.  Do you want to preserve it or customize it.  Yo really can't tell until you own one and realize that perhaps you would have been happier with one that was different that you have.  I guess it is the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" syndrome.

Meanwhile, with many people retiring at my place of employment, someone brought up that we have become the "oldies".  I didn't want to accept that at first and then I realized that I couldn't come up with anyone that was older...  What a shock that was...

 


How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Having consensual intercourse.

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.