Picoftheweek

Picoftheweek
Waaaaaaaay too many to count...

My Statement

"Let me emphatically say that I am not anti-Facebook (Fleecebook), anti-smart phone, anti-Microsoft, anti-Apple, anti-Google or anti-Internet. I do believe, though, that the consumer is being ripped off of his privacy, identity and purchase history. We are being herded into a Facebook corner where what we "Like" and where we go physically and on the net will be scrutinized and sold numerous times to actually corrode and erode our culture while tempting us only with convenience, high tech and flashing video screens. The unsuspecting consumers need to be aware..." - Gary Lapman

Quote of Note

“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”-W.C. Fields

"For the strength of the Wolf is in the Pack, and the strength of the Pack is in the Wolf." - Rudyard Kipling

"Common sense is not so common. " -Voltaire

“Fame is vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, but only character endures.” - Matthew McConaughey

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him"

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason" - Jerry Seinfeld

"Fleecebook is free, you (and your identity) is the product!" - Gary Lapman


"Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves." - Eric Sevareid

"'Smart' phones are only smart for the cell phone providers!" - Gary Lapman

"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage (1791-1871)

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.” -Albert Einstein

"Technology creates the illusion of companionship without the intimacy of friendship." - unknown

"No worry, there's an app for that..." - Gary Lapman

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Holiday Interstitial Ramblings


Recently we watched Argo in a last-chance (before it leaves town) theater. Was it authentic? Pretty much. Was the direction good? Pretty much.  Was the acting good? Pretty much.  Is is a contender for best picture, IMHO? Not really.  Is Affleck a contender for Best Actor? Not really.  Is he a contender for Best Director? Pretty much.  Did I enjoy the movie? Yes.  I can say, having lived through the crisis and the eighties (of course), it was nostalgic.  Would I recommend the movie? Yes I would, but only because there is a dearth of well made movies available for us to watch.

It seems, I am easily annoyed.  When I go to a news site, sometime- most of the time- I want to READ the news.  Almost all of the links for a story are to video. That, in it's self, is not necessarily bad, but every video has a commercial lead-in! How annoying!  I will not watch those stupid two minute commercials in order to watch my 30 second news bit!  When I click them to close, they are reluctant for a few clicks and then they finally close.  By then, I don't care or remember what the news-bit was about, and I return to the main page.

Another thing (that immediately comes to mind) is this direct marketing crap.  If I do a search on Google, or look at a product on Amazon, then all of the advertising for the next (at least) twelve hours has to do with that item or subject.  Do I REALLY need to be constantly reminded what I searched for or what product I was reading about.  What if I just bought one?  Do I want to be reminded that I got a bad deal or bought the wrong model?  I wish there was an option to turn that nonsense off.

Why (can anyone answer this) would I need more than a three shot clip on a hunting rifle? Or a target rifle?  When I was into target shooting, we used single shot rifles and pistols, because they are the most accurate.  When you are hunting, if you cannot hit the target in three shots, you should give up- AND give your gun away!  I don't understand why the reluctance to this restriction.  Or is it ANY restriction that is the REAL problem?  Am I so lazy that I need a rifle that I can just keep pulling the trigger until I hit the target?  Or is a bolt-action the way to go, where I have to hit my target with the first shot, and then MANUALLY remove the empty shell and load the next one.  Do we do ANYTHING MANUALLY anymore ?? 

Last night we went to see The Hobbit.  Wow!  This production may be better than the Lord of the Rings, previously.  The photography, special effects, set, makeup- all of the above, were fantastic.  While the storyline moves a bit slow, it is a fantastic experience to be "part" of this world for three hours (and two more movies yet to come in the trilogy).  We chose the 2D version, without the 48FPS effects and I can tell you that there were scenes that had a dizzying effect ANYWAY.  I can hardly imagine what the 3D version would be like.  Highly recommended for all except weak of bladder.

Also, previous to the movie, with portions of my wife's cell phone not working, and my daughter's having problems holding a charge, we bit the bullet for new phones.  We called Verizon to check prices to compare to the AT&T offering, where we are now. We were surprised that the cost would be higher for similar services.  They may be better, but were they worth the difference in prices?  We compared Best Buy, the AT&T store and Costco for phones and decided on three Motorola Atrix HD phones from Costco.  It not only was a comparison of capabilities, but also of sizes.  The larger phones won't fit into your pockets or purses.  Both girls had the choice to get iPhones if they wanted, the 4 for free and the 4s for $49, or the 5 for $149.  While my daughter is an Apple enthusiast, neither of them picked the Apple phones.  I had already decided that I didn't like the Lemmings-treatment of Apple aficionados, so I was nay on the iPhone as well.  

So far, the phones work well, but the plethora of options and their use and what the apps will provide is taxing.  Certainly, there will be more on this experience later- particularly the security aspect.  It is disheartening to look at the very poor offerings of non-smart phones, should you want to remain "personal"- pretty much junky junk and junkier junk...  Our choices have been made for us to assimilate.



Cat and Comma
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Holiday Blues


Having survived Christmas AND Christmas dinner; I am still working on my sugar high from cookies, pies, candy and fudge. The dinner was great, as I tried two new recipes.  I made prim rib that was encrusted with a horseradish and garlic crust- scrumptious, and potatoes au gratin that were made with smokey Gouda and Manchego cheese. This is my first experience with Manchego cheese, which is a Spanish sheeps-milk cheese that is similar to Parmesan, but a bit richer in fat.  The flavors were amazing.  We will be on a diet beginning sharply on January 1.

I keep reading about the fiscal cliff and cannot understand why it exists and why it hasn't been addressed to make it go away.  I assume that it is the result of a "kick-the-can-down-the-road" piece of legislature, that could have been avoided.  Apparently most of the efforts are towards how each of the members of Congress can attach the most pork to anything that passes, rather than a finalized solution to the problem.  When we spend more than we have, we have to do without for a while.  When they spend more than they have, they just print more money- until it reaches the limit- then they increase the limit.  After all, these members of Congress won't be in office forever.  The next group will then "kink-the-can" again...  I still say, we should have thrown the bums out of office...

Normally, I would be looking forward to New Year's, but I'm not so sure this year.



Medical Chart Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

27. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

28. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

29. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.



Places I'd Rather Not Live

- Paradox, New York
- Crapo, Maryland
- Boogertown, North Carolina
- Spasticville, Kansas
- Hellhole, Idaho
- Purgatory, Maine
- Girdletree, Maryland
- Rabbithash, Kentucky

What Would Freud Say About These Places?

- Climax, Michigan
- Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
- Needmore, Arkansas
- Hardup, Utah
- Intercourse, Pennsylvania
- Hornytown, North Carolina
- Conception Junction, Missouri

It Doesn't Surprise Me That There is a...

- Rudeville, New Jersey
- Boring, Oregon
- Hell, Michigan
- Hooker, California
- Virgin, Utah
- Dulls Corner, Maryland
- Bowlegs, Oklahoma
- Volcano, Hawaii
- Beersville, Pennsylvania
- Fleatown, Ohio
- Burnt Corn, Alabama
- Two Guns, Arizona
- Toad Suck, Arkansas 

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Traditions

Here we are two days before Christmas, and I think I am done shopping AND finally done wrapping.  Sometimes I think that the wrapping chore is worse than the shopping chore.
Every year I propose that we travel to Hawaii or the Caribbean as a present to the family for the holidays- instead of shopping for multiple presents, buying and decorating and taking down a tree and other decorations, making a Christmas dinner and baking, and therefore eliminating the holiday strife and stresses.  It gets turned down for the traditional celebration.  I guess we are conditioned to expect these chores at the end of the year, in spite of how hard we work ALL year to get to this point.
Now I am getting all my ingredients together for a "bake-a-thon" tomorrow.

At the end of the year, I ask myself what progress we have made this year... There are some questions that we still can't answer.  For example: 
Why do we ship ~$120 billion worth of food to the rest of the world when we still have hungry kids right here?  
Why are we dependent on Foreign oil and export more that most other countries, ready to bypass the Saudi production in five to seven years? 
Why can't we control ourselves?  We eat too much junk and have gotten obese to the point that we need surgery or drugs to lose the weight.
I guess we will have to keep working on these issues, and a few more, like gun control...




Quote of the Day
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.
--Andy Rooney-- 

 


Saturday, December 22, 2012

Post Apocalypse (NOT)

Well obviously since you are reading this, the Apocalypse did not occur.  We have much to be thankful, besides it not being the "end of days".  We have our health.  We are employed.  We have warm homes and loving families.  We should all learn to appreciate what we have, while we do...

Since we have been to Chichen Itza (where El Castillo is located), we can attest to the mystique surrounding the area.  The calendar was only a small part of it.  One part that caught my attention were the Mayan baby skull presses.These appeared to me as though they were trying to elongate their skulls similar to aliens (?).


Actually, at this point, we should be more concerned about the fiscal cliff...and what our Congress has become, in spite of the election.  Too bad we didn't throw all the bums out...


Why Grandfathers are different:
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist left wing democrat Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Holiday Enthusiasm...

My holiday enthusiam palled due to the recent events in Connecticut.  It will be difficult to get it jump started again, if at all.

I have been shopping for last minute gifts (that's all anyone is getting from us) and trying hard to ignore the holiday frenzy on the road and in parking lots. The stores have been able to control it(except for Black Friday). Each year I am amazed at how soon Christmas decorations appear in the stores. Unfortunately, each year I also lose patience a bit sooner and can't wait for it to be over. Aren't we supposed to have fun on the holidays and hope that they drag on forever?

It appears as though most people have forgotten about the Mayan Apocalypse coming up. Interviews in the Yucatan show that today's Mayans don't believe the prediction. I'll let you know, on December 22...

 

The Meaning of Service

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word service: 

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. Suddenly, it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are all about.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.


Why Specs Live Forever

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.



The new Men's Thesaurus
 "I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

Friday, December 14, 2012

A Unseasonable Sad Day

And the violence continues, without reason or justification, this time in Connecticut... poor innocent kids, rest in peace.  It is sickening.... My heart aches and I find myself at a loss for words.  How can any god allow the taking of innocent children's lives by a crazy man?

I hope to God that they did not die in vain, and that some sort of a solution to this problem will be found.







Expression Explained
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.

Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.

Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.

Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your "P's and Q's."



Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing," his mother asked?

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."



The Christmas List....
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
 
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
 
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
 
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
 
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
 
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
 
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
 
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa



 Directory Service
"I'd like the number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona"
the Brooklyn boy said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said,   "Well, most people here just call me Izzy."





Donkey Raffle

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

What is this world is coming to ?

What is the rage, the malady that drives someone to take up a gun and shoot innocent strangers and then take their own life?  Is it something in the water, some sort of pollutant?  Is it in fast food ?  Is is radio wave pollution from cell phones and cell towers? Is it from eating fish that contains Mercury? Is it from violent TV shows, movies and video games ?  

Have we somehow caused evolution to sidetrack and mutate our behaviors such that we no longer hold to societal influence ?  How many more incidents must we have before we learn what is causing the behavior and how to prevent it?

Don't you ever wish that some people would just GO AWAY ?  I am tired of reading about Lindsay Lohan, or the Kardashians.  I'm glad that George Bush climbed into a hole and shut up- I was tire of him too.  Why is it that people get fascinated or entertained so easily? Are they push-overs or just barely conscious, awaiting their second coming of  sentience?   If you ever listen to Lewis Black and his rants, you actually begin to think that he is making sense.  We are inundated with nonsense aimed at an expected low-intelligence mark, that really doesn't exist (save for the Ozarks and parts of the South).  What we need is an intellectual TV station that caters to people that can tie their own shoes, make a commitment and keep it, that are non-dependent on drugs or fast foods, don't own dead cars on jacks in the front yard, don't have an inordinate amount of buck-toothed and barefoot kids, and don't subsist on hog jowls and roadkill.  For people that wouldn't buy a 64 ounce soda at McDonald's just because it is only $1.  People that would actually read the facts about an election and not just vote for the best lookin' candidate.  



New Commonplace Words
Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Peppier (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

Frust (n.) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Disconfect (v.) To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

Dopelar Effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you explain them rapidly.

Elbonics (n.) The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.


Great Stategy...
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America! to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Christmas Chore

I wish I could deal with my debts by just printing more money.  The really unfortunate reality is that that is not a viable solution for the gubmint.  There is already too much money in circulation.  Also, we don't REALLY have any idea how much gold bullion they REALLY have stored to back it up!

I kept fighting my wife on getting the bedroom painted- because it is so much work.  We just spent the weekend throwing stuff away, cleaning and moving the furniture somewhere else that is directly in the way.  After two days, then we will move everything back.  After less than two weeks, my wife will decide that she want new carpeting too and we will move everything out of the room again.  Someone should invent spray paint and spray carpeting that doesn't stick to furniture, so the room doesn't have to emptied to update it!

I too three boxes of magazines to the public library today.  Hopefully they can sell them.  I also threw at least that many away in the recycling bin.  As much as I detest electronic magazine, they do have their advantages.  They don't make clutter.  Also, the dust bunnies have been multiplying for a while- and they are all invisible until you move something!

I really hate to be doing this chore at Christmas time, but this is the gift that my wife wanted.  Luckily I only have one more week to work before I go on vacation... (and this chore will be done).



Drinking and Driving
I would like to share a personal experience about
drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage. 



12-Step Internet Recovery Program

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!



Feel like I've...
...milked this cow before: deja moo
...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew
...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo
...scared this person away before: deja boo
...read this mystery book before: deja clue
...been in this courtroom before: deja sue
...felt this bad before: deja rue
...felt this sad before: deja blue
...expanded this way before: deja grew
...learned this stuff before: deja knew
...waited in line before: deja queue
...eaten this dinner before: deja stew
...forgotten this your name before: deja who
...seen these twins before: deja two
...used this beer recipe before: deja brew
...been on this airplane before: deja flew
...fed these pigeons before: deja coo
...sketched this portrait before: deja drew
...ended this relationship before: deja through
...felt this ill before: deja flu
...sat through this sermon before: deja pew
...admired this scenery before: deja ooo
...exposed the real facts before: deja true
 

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Some things don't change...

After a long, and stressful week, we had clients to entertain on Friday and Saturday nights.  Friday night was the annual Christmas Parade downtown, so the traffic level was high.  Many streets were blocked, and the parking was non-existent. Still we persisted to meet these clients at a fancy restaurant for dinner and drinks.
The table was waiting for us, as most everyone was watching the parade.  The place was almost empty. The service was good.  One fellow brought us water and bread with olive oil and vinegar. Another brought us menus and a wine list.  Our clients were late, later than we were.
Finally they arrived.  They were very nice, and even brought us a gift (surprise).  From that point on, our waiter disappears, only reappearing to rattle off the specials of the evening and take our orders- and then again to deliver them.  It was amazing how he became more rude and detached every time we saw him.  
The (small) salads and appetizers were delivered and we proceeded with dinner.  Later, after what seemed forever, our meals were served.  The plates were enormous, and nesteled in the centers, were the edible offerings (!).  This is an Italian restaurant and it must be Northern Italian (like very close to the French border).  The entrees were somewhat tasty, what there was of them. 
I must be getting old and perhaps I expect more for the exorbitant amount that we were paying.  
What I learned was that they had really good bread there, and that everyone ate more than their share... and we probably wouldn't return.  In this day and age (and down-turned economy). places that survive will do it with food, service and atmosphere- but if any one of the three are missing- good luck.



Digits...
One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"



Political Quotes
"I resent your insinuendoes."

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."

"Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." -- Marion Berry

"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."

"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

"Let's do this in one foul swoop."

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."

"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."

"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."

"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."