Campaign?

Living in California, I can easily tell you that it is difficult to tell that there is a Presidential campaign, currently.  I realize that we are not living in a "Battleground" state, but even so.  I think I can count the number of bumper stickers, posters or signs relative to the Presidential contest on one hand!  This is bizarre to me.  Both sides are considering the "given" states as given, which is also bizarre.  If we only base our lives and their direction on polls, then we would all be considered lemmings jumping off a cliff because it was expected.
Truthfully, my mind is made up over most of the candidates and propositions.  I have not seen or heard any campaigning that would cause me to doubt my decisions or even sway.
If I lived in Ohio or Florida, I am assuming that we would have been inundated by all the campaign paraphernalia and ads. Since the parties are focusing on the so called "Battleground" state, they are obviously expecting to make a difference there.  I wonder if that is true?

More important, I think, than the presidential race are the congressional races.  Congress needs to be revamped to allow some actual work to be done rather than just blocking Obama.  I'm not telling you anything that you haven't already heard, but certainly you should be aware of the impact that their attitude and lack of performance on the economy, job creation, foreign policy, etc.

Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault... women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Confusing times...

I've had a hard time understanding the goings on, this week:  
Romney made some stupid remarks during a video that he didn't know was being made, and now they say that the election is over.  I don't remember voting.  Are they telling me that I might as well not vote, because I don't live in a battleground state ?  With that attitude, doesn't that make all of the states battlegrounds states ?
People forget (I didn't) that the formerly (G)OP had a tremendous time finding a viable candidate.  Most of them were Bat Chain Pullers from the get go.  Romney was the least offensive or from another perspective, he is the best of the lackluster, inadequate, unsellable perspective candidates.  Now that weakness is showing.  What am I missing here ?

The Muslim world is upset over a video that appeared on the internet.  The people that created the video (NOT the American gubmint) happened to live in the US.  Why would that mean that they should storm our embassies and kill people.  I could understand it if they went after the maker of the video, but the rest just doesn't make sense.  What am I missing here ?

Millions of people are pre-buying the iPhone 5.  They are coming up with $400 to satisfy a whim.  It is great for our economy, but the iPhone 4 is now free and the 4s is $99.  What GREAT new feature does the iPhone 5 providing that makes it worth the price.  The screen is bigger, but only half an inch.  It works on 4G, so it is fast, so I can use my data allotment faster and begin paying for more sooner.  It is lighter and has a better battery.  Is it worth the difference in price ?  Or waiting in a long line to get on the first day ? What am I missing here ?

Our society has eroded.  There may not be a way to return.  For one thing, it has accelerated beyond belief and is fueled by our technologies such as the internet.

I am still favoring a simpler and kinder society, a "Mayberry", which I know doesn't exist anymore- if it ever did.

The shuttle flew over Goleta today, coming from Vandenberg and on its way to Malibu...

 

22 ADULT TRUTHS

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters.

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

Carmageddon

Yesterday was carmageddon, for us.  During the week, my wife had gotten an email from a credit union that we currently do business with.  The ad said that if you do business with one of their pre-approved and participating car dealers, we could obtain a car loan for 0.49%.  She applied and was quickly sent the list of three dealers, in the Los Angeles area, of her chosen marque.  She filled out the information for the desired model and color.  One dealer had one on the lot at a much lower price than we had seen at any other location that we tried, plus the promise of 0.49% financing.  She filled out the remaining paperwork to get the desired loan amount and was instantly approved.  All that remained was to present the certificated received in the email, to the dealer, pay the down payment, and drive off.
As predicted and expected, the dealer was grateful for our business but still had to try to sell us something else.  After exhausting the plying of three salesman types, finally we could sign for the originally agreed upon price and be on our way.  Add that to the hassle of driving two and a half hours to Riverside and that the temperature there was 104, and even showed on the car thermometer as 108 during the trip.
The car is beautiful.  It had the acid test of reliability to make it home through that heat without a hitch.  Whether the ordeal was worth it or not, remains to be seen.  Unfortunately, the sleaze factor that is associated with car dealers and salesmen will not be disputed or discredited by our supposed in-and-out purchase that actually took all our energies to continuously say "No"!
 

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

Wedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." 

Free whelm, just help yourself...

Much effort has been made this week to rid myself of whelm.  I worked hard, but shed responsibilities and wouldn't take on anything new until I could shed much of the whelm I already had.  I feel much better now, at the end of the week.

I did find time, however to watch key portions of the Democratic Convention.  I have to admit that it was MUCH more convincing than the Republican one.  Don't you find it interesting that Bush wasn't invited to speak?  I don't even believe that he attended.  Does this mean the the formerly(G)OP is trying to distance themselves from him and his legacy.  Considering we are still trying to undo the damages created by his legacy, I think that that might be the truth.

I am not looking forward to the positive or negative campaign ads, for sure.  At least, California is pretty sewn up and they would be wasting their monies here.  As for congress- "throw the bums out"!  Replace them all with new bums.

Locked Door
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno," she replied.

"Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

A PLAN
About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My Hope

My hope was that I would find myself recharged after the three day weekend.  I suppose that I am, somewhat. Unfortunately, work has been on my mind most of the time off.  I guess it will take a change of venue as well as much longer for that to happen.  De-stressing cannot happen instantly.

My hope was that the events of the Republican convention would give me reasons to reconsider my choices for the next election.  The antics observed won't do it.  The (formerly G)OP isn't great anymore, but split into non-cohesive factions of extremists with their own outlandish agendas which overshadow their worthiness.  So, so far, why change horses in midstream- and get wet?

Meanwhile, the hope for the California legislature has arrived as many of the restrictions which prevent their actions are being lifted, while new and different ones take their place.  Change is in the air in California.

Still, the direction that I recommend and will stick to for myself regarding the California legislature and Congress is to "throw the bums out!".  I will not vote for incumbents any longer unless my only other choice is an extremist.  These public servants have got to be held accountable for their actions or in-actions.

My hope is not dashed as of yet.  I still have a bit of confidence that the correct choices will be made by the voters (probably stupid of me, though) and the American Dream still survives somewhere...

My hope is that the Democrats can produce that level of confidence and we don't end up with a bunch of Bat Chain Pullers* in office again.  This state and this country needs some honest leadership once again that is not under the influence of the lobbyists and faction groups.

My hope is that they ACTUALLY pull this off successfully...

*A bat chain refers to the chain that hangs down from a signal post on a train line. The signal device that was pulled down was called a bat and different bats had different colors to signal the train driver as to the condition of the track ahead, or whether the train could proceed,etc.
The bat chain puller was the person who set the signals for the approaching train according to track status reports received by telegraph.

 
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air
Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of
central London where they board an open 17th century coach
hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most
horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic
flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda,
Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do
their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen
decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains,
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand
that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the
horses...."

The week that was...

The week that was, was so filled with demands for my time and had so many obstacles to progress that I'm actually surprised that survival was an option.  On top of twice the work than I normally have, and visitors from out of town at work, I also had personal visitors from out of town.  We were down two cars and only my truck was available (long story), so I walked to work.  That actually wasn't so bad as it is half an hour portal to portal.  I am one of those type of people that run errands during lunchtime, but this week I couldn't.  
So why are we down to one working vehicle.  My daughter took my wife's car back to school because she is now living off campus for her senior year.  She has a practicum in another city and the public transportation would not have gotten her there and back to cover her other classes.  This was known at the beginning of the summer, so we planned for it.
We danced around the possibilities of buying her a car (that we would have not known the reliability of), or her taking the wife's car.  Since she is parking on the street, a five year old car made more sense.  This also was a great opportunity to get my wife a higher mileage car.
We surveyed and compared many different options and narrowed it down to three models Hyundai Santa Fe, Honda CR-V and Ford Edge.  She tried the Edge, but believe it or not, in order for her to be high enough to see over the dash, her head was bumping the ceiling.  Ergonomics or low roof line for mileage...
Scratch the Edge.  The Santa Fe was next and was very impressive.  The four cylinder model got 42 MPG.  It was comfortable and with the eight speed transmission, had lots of energy.  We both loved the car.  The salesman, being a very nice guy, told us that the franchise for Hyundai was moving to another dealership next door, because they were becoming an Acura dealer. That was okay with us.  Unfortunately, the dealer next door couldn't qualify for the franchise, and all the Santa Fes and other Hyundai were loaded up into a transport truck and shipped to the nearest dealer, which is about 40 miles away- this happened in the space of a week.  We would not buy a Hyundai unless it had a local dealership, for servicing.
Meanwhile, we test drove the CR-V.  It was pretty nice, but a lot more expensive.  It was still a second choice.
Consequently, the time was getting closer to move my daughter, and her stuff (including furniture) to the house that she is leasing with two other girls, adjacent to her campus. The car purchase will have to wait, but we were fine with the truck and the Vette.  I drove the Vette to work for about two weeks, when the fuel pump died and it had to be towed home.  Now we were down to one vehicle.
So add all of these stresses up and certainly you come to more than 100%.

True or False
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.

Answers: All of the above are true. Don't you just love number sixteen?

Shoplifter
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."

Jogger
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

Depressed?
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel,this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans,
the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security,
retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

I'm thinkin' maybe, we're screwed.

A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"