We watched (I slept through most of it) Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy over the weekend. This movie barely deserves a casual mention. It was extremely difficult to follow and just plain boring. Did I miss something (while I slept)? Why did this abomination get any acclaim?
My cell phone and my wife's are on their last legs. We are no longer on any contract. It will be interesting to evaluate (once again) what is out there, relative to cell service providers, phones, and bargains. Since we are very privacy conscious, we would like full featured phones without them being so call "smart". We may have to bite the bullet, though, as the available selection is really very poor. It may be worthwhile, though, to wait for the iPhone5, as I have nothing to lose or gain by getting another phone before then. If our phones give up the ghost sooner rather than later, we'll have to make a rash and expensive decision, I'm sure. It may be "the only way down is plummeting over the cliff with the other lemmings....", though.
Kemosabe
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
American Way of Robbery
True Stories of Some of the Dumbest Crooks on Earth:
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
(Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...)
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
When you're feeling down & out, remember this... In 1976 on this day, Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800, that 10% stake is now worth $58 billion !!
HOW TO WRITE GOOD by Frank L. Visco
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
1... Avoid alliteration. Always.
2... Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3... Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4... Employ the vernacular.
5... Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6... Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7... It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8... Contractions aren't necessary
9... Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10.. One should never generalize.
11.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12.. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13.. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14.. Profanity sucks.
15.. Be more or less specific.
16.. Understatement is always best.
17.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20.. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23.. Who needs rhetorical questions?
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