I'm looking forward to the weekend and a bit of away time that it will provide. We are going out of town for Saturday and Sunday, without access to computers AND hopefully cell phones turned off. It is welcome. The summer time is sneaking up on us before we can experience springtime...
I can't figure out why the Secret Service can't get serviced secretly....
I can't figure out why my plastic water bottle has a warning on the label that the cap is a choking hazard, particularly for children. Isn't that true for ALL small objects? What is special about the cap? Have parents become dumber over the years or can't they recognize danger for their children? Is the REAL reason that the warning is there on the label is to protect the manufacturer from lawsuits that claim that there was no warning of danger?
That must be why my dry cleaning is wrapped in plastic with a similar warning message on it.
Why aren't stupid parents allowed to be the reason for kids getting hurt?
Why are there still places in the United States that don't have indoor plumbing? Or telephone service? Or Internet ?
Jacob, age 92, and Reba, age 91, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Reba speaks up and says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."
How To Talk Southern
Ah
The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."
Ah
The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."
Ast
To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. I makes me mad."
Attair
Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me attair gravy, please"
Awl
An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."
Bawl
What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."
Bleeve
Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."
Cent
Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."
Co-cola
The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."
Cyst
To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."
Dayum
A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."
Everwhichways
To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichways.
Far
A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."
Flares
The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."
Good ole boy
Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order. "Bubba's a good ole boy."
Griyuts
What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."
Hale
Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."
Hep
To aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."
Idinit
Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?"
Jew
Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"
Kumpny
Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."
Law
Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."
Likker
Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon. "Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'
Mash
To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"
Muchablige
Thank you. "Muchablige for the lift, mister."
Nawthun
Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)
Ovair
In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."
Phraisin
Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."
Plum
Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."
Retch
To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."
Saar
The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."
Shovelay
A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."
Sinner
Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."
Sugar
A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."
Tarred
Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."
Tar Arns
A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."
Uhmurkin
Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."
War
Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."
Whup
To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."
Yankee shot
A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot."
Zat
Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"
Southern Horoscopes
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them.
When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure.
You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them.
When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure.
You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.
OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20 Although you appear crude,
you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous
influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds
of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20 You're the type that
spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the
physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words
here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in
the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think
about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21 When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH May 22 - June 21 Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21 When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH May 22 - June 21 Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS June 22- July 23 Collards have a
genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life
and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards
make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far
as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon
Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH July 24 - Aug 23 Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS Aug 24 - Sept 23 Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
CATFISH July 24 - Aug 23 Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS Aug 24 - Sept 23 Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS Sept 24 - Oct 23 You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22 Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21 You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
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