Wall Street BS

Why aren't the right people offended by the bonuses on Wall Street?  These guys should be paying the government back for their loans or they wouldn't even still have jobs!  And to rub salt into the wound, still nobody has been indicted for wrongdoing that got us into this mess...

You may a Muslim

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. Your distant cousin is president of the United States.
You may be a Muslim 

Beer Habit
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it should cause a scene at the check out stand."
"I can handle that without a problem, the other nun replied and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity. Once you learn to fake that, there's nothing you can't do. - Tommy Smothers

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that!...
I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"