I think that it is pretty bad that there is a movement to boycott Saturday Night Live when Lindsay Lohan is the host. One site even published a list of the ten worst hosts, and she is listed as number ten. Now I realize that she is a spoiled brat that is drug and alcohol dependent, but aren't we rating her performance before it has occurred. I think we should be fair. If she does a halfway good job, we should give her credit for it. If she tanks; she will tank in a big way because it has been predicted. Given that it has been predicted, why, you ask, has she been even given the honor of being the host ??
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument..
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Thibodeaux was sittin in his favorite barroom drinkin wen in comes a fella wit one of dem pit bull dog wit a spike colar. Da man come up to da bar an holler out, "Mah name is Simoneaux an Ah'm reddy to bet anyting dat Ah got me a dog dat will wip any udder dog in da worl.
Thibodeaux say, "Mais, chere, I will bet you one hunred dollars dat you dog can't beat mah german shepherd police dog which is right outside. Simoneaux say, "You got a bet." An dey all went outside where da two dogs growled at each oder a bit an Simoneaux's pit bull grabbed Thibodeaux's german shepherd by da troat an shook him to det. Thibodeaux pay up his bet an say, "Mais gollee, dat's de firs time any dog ever beat mah dog."
Dey go back inside an drink a few more beers, an Simoneaux say, "I will be back tomorrow at dis same time if anybody else wants to try to wip mah pit bull.
A lil wile latter Boudreaux come in to have him a beer… Thibodeaux say, "Boudreaux, mah frien, a fella's pit bull don killed mah police dog an he say he can kill any dog in da worl." Boudreaux say, "Mais, Thibodeaux, Ahm shore sorry for you dat you lost you bes dog, but dat's not true bout his pit bull bein able to wip any dog in da worl. I bet one tousan dollars his pit bull can't kill mah yella dog." Thibodeaux say, "Simoneaux say he will be here agin tomorrow." Boudreaux say, "Ah.ll be here wit mah yella dog."
Da next day in come Simoneaux wit da same pit bull dog an Boudreaux is waitin' for him. Before Simoneaux can say a word, Boudreaux say, "Ah bet you one tousan dollars dat you pit bull dog can't wip mah yella dog." Simoneaux say, "You got youself a bet." An dey go outsde.
An dere tied to da telefone pole is da ugliest yella dog you never did see. Dat dog take one look at da pit bull dog an wit one lunge he grab dat pit bull dog an bit his head off. Simoneaux say, "Mais, Ah ain't never seen nuttin like dat before. Wat kine of dog is dat an wat's his name?" Boudreaux say, "Ah jus call him "dog" an Ah dunno wat kine of dog he is, but before Ah cut off his tale an paint him yella he was a alligator.
‘T was the night before Mardi Gras, and all through the burb,
Denizens were in place to see the parades, even lining the curb;
The beads were hung from the floats with care,
In anticipation of the throngs that would soon be there;
The children were nestled all snug in the car,
Dreaming of doubloons tossed from afar;
Mamma in her toga, and me in my mask,
I was all tuckered out from my bead buying task.
When out in the street there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my perch to see what was the matter.
Away to the neutral ground I flew like flash,
Tripped over the Singleton sign and fell face down in the trash.
The sun was just rising on the St. Charles line
Giving the impression parade day would be fine.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the homeowner in his robe, his shouting so crass
”Hey, you buddy, get the hell off my grass!
The curmudgeoly old man, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he was a tourist, he acted like such a dick,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called me some name;
It was obvious to me, he didn’t understand the game.
I looked around before leaving, to see what was the matter
But no I hadn’t forgotten anything, Not even my ladder.
I gathered my things, and got ready to view
The amazing display that would be put on by the Krewe
I was ready as ready, me, Mr. Jimmy Crackcorn
I even had fresh double A’s, to use in my bullhorn.
I had borrowed a kid from some neighbor named Jim
So I could point to the toddler and say, “Hey the throws are for him!”
We worked all night on the “We’re from…” signs
Many places listed, the more exotic the better
After seeing all those, will they guess we’re from Kenner?
Continuing my mental tick list of things, forgetting the old coot,
Yep, I had my umbrella and fishnets, to help catch the loot.
I was stuffed with King cake, the tasty treat screamed “eat us”
I’d eat much more, if the toy didn’t look like a fetus.
The middles are not plain, but now stuffed with a filling
Since McKensies went bankrupt, small bakers made a killing. heard the music, the parade was near
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
Floats so lovely, adorned in things so bold
And trimmed of course in green, purple, and gold.
“I can’t get enough!” I thought, so I recounted them all
“Now, Zulu! now, Rex! Now, Endymion and Proteus!
To the end of St. Charles! to the top of Canal!
Then fade away! fade away! fade away all!”
“Damn I’m thirsty,” I thought, as I took a swig of my booze
“I hope I don’t have to pee before I see all of the Krewes!”
And then he appeared, the King of the Day,
He laughed and he chortled, and got ready to play.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Reached in his sack, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, skyward went the throws!
The beads, candy and toys all flew like rain
Me and ma were so drunk, we was feelin’ no pain.
The kids were getting trampled, ordinarily a horror
But not today, cause someone nearby was surely a lawyer!
The crowds were noisy, their hearts were a thumpin’
As they cried in unison, “Hey Mister, throw me sumpin!”
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.
Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around and Boudreaux got knocked unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.
Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"
"Dis is da control tower," Someone answer. "Don you worry a bout nittin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by sep, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high yu are, an whas you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all day wa to da front of da plane."
"No! No! No!" answer da tower. " What you altitude, an where you location?"
Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"
" No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. " Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!"
Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don beleieve dis plane related to you airport!"
A long pause-----de silence was deafanin.
"We needs to know whoo you next of kin."
Irish Blonde
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes!
Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ....... but all men...are men!
The Potter Philosophy on Exercising
1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per
month.
2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.
3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
11. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
Now unlike Potter, I know that physical exercise is good for you. I've listed below my program of strenuous activities. You are invited to use my program without charge.
1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing my pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing my weight around
7) Dragging my heels
8) Pushing my luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Tooting my own horn
17) Climbing the ladder of success
18) Pulling out the stops
19) Adding fuel to the fire
20) Opening a can of worms
21) Putting my foot in my mouth
22) Starting the ball rolling
23) Going over the edge
24) Picking up the pieces
Happy Exercising!
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