QCK WIT

Well, the bat chain pullers are beginning to fall, as Michelle Bachmann suspends her campaign (couldn't happen to a nicer candidate).  I wonder who will be next?  And what is with the competition for Mr. Milquetoast (Mitt) ?  Santorum (don't look up his name in Webster's) is giving him some unexpected competition.  They will all fall soon, though.  IMHO Mr. Milquetoast is the only electable candidate from the formerly (G)OP.

Bravo for a new law that supposedly will make it easier to change banks and even will let you take your account number with you!  So many people are giving up on their banks (and maybe changing to credit unions) that even two major banks are charging $25 to close your accounts!  Most banks are so arrogant that they quickly  forget (conveniently) whose money it really is!  It used to be a pain to open new accounts, but these two banks are making it a pain to close your accounts.  If my bank did that to me, I would pay the fee just to not be associated with them anymore!

You know you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now you can!

Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, and six cases of beer. That's all you will need to start!

Now just follow the 25 simple steps.

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.

1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin, and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.

FIRST, untie and remove high and mighty fancy executive shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so don't deceive yourself. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!

4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry and into the redneck world!

Prop bare feet on desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office. Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on. Use necktie to wipe nose. Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt. Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on business suit.

5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth.

6) Place tobacco in mouth. Practice spitting stream of tobacco juice on to computer screen or on polished office floor or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit or those Brooks Brothers shoes.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See step #3

7) Remove necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.

8) Strip off uppity expensive business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and daytimer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.

9) Put on overalls.

10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbageman or janitor or sling has in a diner.

12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

15) Bathe twice a week.

16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all NG endings from words - havin instead of having. Learn to yelp and woop and holler.

17) Sell Porsche.

18) Buy used pickup.

19) Sell condo.

20) Buy shotgun shack.

21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts and accessories.

22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to redneck charity. You will not need money.

23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss episodes.

24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.

25) Have name changed legally from Mark or Andrew or Kevin to Cletus or Bubba or Jed.