What ever happened to the formerly (G)OP ?
This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Collections of Birds
aerie of eagles
aerie of hawks
ascension of larks
band of jays
bevy of doves
bevy of quail
bevy of swans
bouquet of pheasants (when flushed)
brace of ducks
brood of chickens
brood of chicks
brood of hens
brood of turkeys (immature)
building of rooks
bury of conies
cast of hawks
chain of bobolinks
charm of finches
charm of goldfinches
charm of hummingbirds
chattering of choughs
chattering of chicks
clamor of rooks
clutch of chicks
colony of gulls
colony of penguins
colony of vultures
company of parrots
congregation of birds
congregation of plovers
conspirancy of ravens
convocation of eagles
cote of doves
cover of coots
covey of pheasants (on the ground)
covey of ptarmigans
covey of grouse
covey of partridges
covey of quail
crèche of penguins
deceit of lapwings
descent of woodpeckers
dissimulation of birds
dole of doves
dule of turtledoves
dule of doves
exaltation of larks
fall of woodcocks
flight of birds
flight of cormorants
flight of doves
flight of pigeons
flight of swallows
flock of birds
flock of chickens
flock of ducks
flock of geese
flock of pigeons
flock of swifts
flock of turkeys
flush of ducks
gaggle of geese
hedge of herons
herd of curlews
herd of swans
host of sparrows
huddle of penguins
kettle of hawks
lamentation of swans
mob of emus
murder of crows
murmuration of starlings
muster of peacocks
muster of storks
mustering of storks
nest of pheasants
nide of pheasants (on the ground)
nye of pheasants (on the ground)
ostentation of peacocks
pack of grouse
paddling of ducks
parcel of penguins
parliament of rooks
parliament of owls
party of jays
peep of chickens
piteousness of doves
pitying of turtledoves
plump of wildfowl
plump or waterfowl
raft of wigeons
raft of ducks
rafter of turkeys
rookery of penguins
scold of jays
sedge of bitterns
sedge of cranes
sedge of herons
siege of bitterns
siege of cranes
siege of herons
skein of geese (in flight)
skein of goslings
sord of mallards
spring of teals
storytelling of crows
storytelling of ravens
storytelling of rooks
team of ducks
tidings of magpies
unkindness of ravens
volery of birds
wake of buzzards
walk of snipes
watch of nightingales
wedge of geese (flying in a 'V')
wedge of swans (flying in a 'V')
wing of plovers
wisdom of owls
wisp of snipes
I have a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled me over as we were speeding through Missouri.
Hoping to get off with a warning, I tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," I said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?
No comments:
Post a Comment