Holiday Interstitial Ramblings

Recently we watched Argo in a last-chance (before it leaves town) theater. Was it authentic? Pretty much. Was the direction good? Pretty much.  Was the acting good? Pretty much.  Is is a contender for best picture, IMHO? Not really.  Is Affleck a contender for Best Actor? Not really.  Is he a contender for Best Director? Pretty much.  Did I enjoy the movie? Yes.  I can say, having lived through the crisis and the eighties (of course), it was nostalgic.  Would I recommend the movie? Yes I would, but only because there is a dearth of well made movies available for us to watch.

It seems, I am easily annoyed.  When I go to a news site, sometime- most of the time- I want to READ the news.  Almost all of the links for a story are to video. That, in it's self, is not necessarily bad, but every video has a commercial lead-in! How annoying!  I will not watch those stupid two minute commercials in order to watch my 30 second news bit!  When I click them to close, they are reluctant for a few clicks and then they finally close.  By then, I don't care or remember what the news-bit was about, and I return to the main page.

Another thing (that immediately comes to mind) is this direct marketing crap.  If I do a search on Google, or look at a product on Amazon, then all of the advertising for the next (at least) twelve hours has to do with that item or subject.  Do I REALLY need to be constantly reminded what I searched for or what product I was reading about.  What if I just bought one?  Do I want to be reminded that I got a bad deal or bought the wrong model?  I wish there was an option to turn that nonsense off.

Why (can anyone answer this) would I need more than a three shot clip on a hunting rifle? Or a target rifle?  When I was into target shooting, we used single shot rifles and pistols, because they are the most accurate.  When you are hunting, if you cannot hit the target in three shots, you should give up- AND give your gun away!  I don't understand why the reluctance to this restriction.  Or is it ANY restriction that is the REAL problem?  Am I so lazy that I need a rifle that I can just keep pulling the trigger until I hit the target?  Or is a bolt-action the way to go, where I have to hit my target with the first shot, and then MANUALLY remove the empty shell and load the next one.  Do we do ANYTHING MANUALLY anymore ?? 

Last night we went to see The Hobbit.  Wow!  This production may be better than the Lord of the Rings, previously.  The photography, special effects, set, makeup- all of the above, were fantastic.  While the storyline moves a bit slow, it is a fantastic experience to be "part" of this world for three hours (and two more movies yet to come in the trilogy).  We chose the 2D version, without the 48FPS effects and I can tell you that there were scenes that had a dizzying effect ANYWAY.  I can hardly imagine what the 3D version would be like.  Highly recommended for all except weak of bladder.

Also, previous to the movie, with portions of my wife's cell phone not working, and my daughter's having problems holding a charge, we bit the bullet for new phones.  We called Verizon to check prices to compare to the AT&T offering, where we are now. We were surprised that the cost would be higher for similar services.  They may be better, but were they worth the difference in prices?  We compared Best Buy, the AT&T store and Costco for phones and decided on three Motorola Atrix HD phones from Costco.  It not only was a comparison of capabilities, but also of sizes.  The larger phones won't fit into your pockets or purses.  Both girls had the choice to get iPhones if they wanted, the 4 for free and the 4s for $49, or the 5 for $149.  While my daughter is an Apple enthusiast, neither of them picked the Apple phones.  I had already decided that I didn't like the Lemmings-treatment of Apple aficionados, so I was nay on the iPhone as well.  

So far, the phones work well, but the plethora of options and their use and what the apps will provide is taxing.  Certainly, there will be more on this experience later- particularly the security aspect.  It is disheartening to look at the very poor offerings of non-smart phones, should you want to remain "personal"- pretty much junky junk and junkier junk...  Our choices have been made for us to assimilate.

Cat and Comma
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Holiday Blues

Having survived Christmas AND Christmas dinner; I am still working on my sugar high from cookies, pies, candy and fudge. The dinner was great, as I tried two new recipes.  I made prim rib that was encrusted with a horseradish and garlic crust- scrumptious, and potatoes au gratin that were made with smokey Gouda and Manchego cheese. This is my first experience with Manchego cheese, which is a Spanish sheeps-milk cheese that is similar to Parmesan, but a bit richer in fat.  The flavors were amazing.  We will be on a diet beginning sharply on January 1.

I keep reading about the fiscal cliff and cannot understand why it exists and why it hasn't been addressed to make it go away.  I assume that it is the result of a "kick-the-can-down-the-road" piece of legislature, that could have been avoided.  Apparently most of the efforts are towards how each of the members of Congress can attach the most pork to anything that passes, rather than a finalized solution to the problem.  When we spend more than we have, we have to do without for a while.  When they spend more than they have, they just print more money- until it reaches the limit- then they increase the limit.  After all, these members of Congress won't be in office forever.  The next group will then "kink-the-can" again...  I still say, we should have thrown the bums out of office...

Normally, I would be looking forward to New Year's, but I'm not so sure this year.

Medical Chart Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

27. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

28. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

29. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

Places I'd Rather Not Live

- Paradox, New York
- Crapo, Maryland
- Boogertown, North Carolina
- Spasticville, Kansas
- Hellhole, Idaho
- Purgatory, Maine
- Girdletree, Maryland
- Rabbithash, Kentucky

What Would Freud Say About These Places?

- Climax, Michigan
- Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
- Needmore, Arkansas
- Hardup, Utah
- Intercourse, Pennsylvania
- Hornytown, North Carolina
- Conception Junction, Missouri

It Doesn't Surprise Me That There is a...

- Rudeville, New Jersey
- Boring, Oregon
- Hell, Michigan
- Hooker, California
- Virgin, Utah
- Dulls Corner, Maryland
- Bowlegs, Oklahoma
- Volcano, Hawaii
- Beersville, Pennsylvania
- Fleatown, Ohio
- Burnt Corn, Alabama
- Two Guns, Arizona
- Toad Suck, Arkansas 

Traditions

Here we are two days before Christmas, and I think I am done shopping AND finally done wrapping.  Sometimes I think that the wrapping chore is worse than the shopping chore.
Every year I propose that we travel to Hawaii or the Caribbean as a present to the family for the holidays- instead of shopping for multiple presents, buying and decorating and taking down a tree and other decorations, making a Christmas dinner and baking, and therefore eliminating the holiday strife and stresses.  It gets turned down for the traditional celebration.  I guess we are conditioned to expect these chores at the end of the year, in spite of how hard we work ALL year to get to this point.
Now I am getting all my ingredients together for a "bake-a-thon" tomorrow.

At the end of the year, I ask myself what progress we have made this year... There are some questions that we still can't answer.  For example: 
Why do we ship ~$120 billion worth of food to the rest of the world when we still have hungry kids right here?  
Why are we dependent on Foreign oil and export more that most other countries, ready to bypass the Saudi production in five to seven years? 
Why can't we control ourselves?  We eat too much junk and have gotten obese to the point that we need surgery or drugs to lose the weight.
I guess we will have to keep working on these issues, and a few more, like gun control...

Quote of the Day
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.
--Andy Rooney-- 
 

Post Apocalypse (NOT)

Well obviously since you are reading this, the Apocalypse did not occur.  We have much to be thankful, besides it not being the "end of days".  We have our health.  We are employed.  We have warm homes and loving families.  We should all learn to appreciate what we have, while we do...

Since we have been to Chichen Itza (where El Castillo is located), we can attest to the mystique surrounding the area.  The calendar was only a small part of it.  One part that caught my attention were the Mayan baby skull presses.These appeared to me as though they were trying to elongate their skulls similar to aliens (?).

Actually, at this point, we should be more concerned about the fiscal cliff...and what our Congress has become, in spite of the election.  Too bad we didn't throw all the bums out...

Why Grandfathers are different:

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist left wing democrat Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Holiday Enthusiasm...

My holiday enthusiam palled due to the recent events in Connecticut.  It will be difficult to get it jump started again, if at all.

I have been shopping for last minute gifts (that's all anyone is getting from us) and trying hard to ignore the holiday frenzy on the road and in parking lots. The stores have been able to control it(except for Black Friday). Each year I am amazed at how soon Christmas decorations appear in the stores. Unfortunately, each year I also lose patience a bit sooner and can't wait for it to be over. Aren't we supposed to have fun on the holidays and hope that they drag on forever?

It appears as though most people have forgotten about the Mayan Apocalypse coming up. Interviews in the Yucatan show that today's Mayans don't believe the prediction. I'll let you know, on December 22...

 

The Meaning of Service

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word service: 

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. Suddenly, it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are all about.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

Why Specs Live Forever

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

The new Men's Thesaurus

 "I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

A Unseasonable Sad Day

And the violence continues, without reason or justification, this time in Connecticut... poor innocent kids, rest in peace.  It is sickening.... My heart aches and I find myself at a loss for words.  How can any god allow the taking of innocent children's lives by a crazy man?

I hope to God that they did not die in vain, and that some sort of a solution to this problem will be found.

Expression Explained
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.

Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.

Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.

Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your "P's and Q's."

Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing," his mother asked?

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

The Christmas List....

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones
 

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus
 

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones
 

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus
 

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone
 

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy
 

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy
 

Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

 Directory Service
"I'd like the number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona"
the Brooklyn boy said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said,   "Well, most people here just call me Izzy."

Donkey Raffle

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

What is this world is coming to ?

What is the rage, the malady that drives someone to take up a gun and shoot innocent strangers and then take their own life?  Is it something in the water, some sort of pollutant?  Is it in fast food ?  Is is radio wave pollution from cell phones and cell towers? Is it from eating fish that contains Mercury? Is it from violent TV shows, movies and video games ?  

Have we somehow caused evolution to sidetrack and mutate our behaviors such that we no longer hold to societal influence ?  How many more incidents must we have before we learn what is causing the behavior and how to prevent it?

Don't you ever wish that some people would just GO AWAY ?  I am tired of reading about Lindsay Lohan, or the Kardashians.  I'm glad that George Bush climbed into a hole and shut up- I was tire of him too.  Why is it that people get fascinated or entertained so easily? Are they push-overs or just barely conscious, awaiting their second coming of  sentience?   If you ever listen to Lewis Black and his rants, you actually begin to think that he is making sense.  We are inundated with nonsense aimed at an expected low-intelligence mark, that really doesn't exist (save for the Ozarks and parts of the South).  What we need is an intellectual TV station that caters to people that can tie their own shoes, make a commitment and keep it, that are non-dependent on drugs or fast foods, don't own dead cars on jacks in the front yard, don't have an inordinate amount of buck-toothed and barefoot kids, and don't subsist on hog jowls and roadkill.  For people that wouldn't buy a 64 ounce soda at McDonald's just because it is only $1.  People that would actually read the facts about an election and not just vote for the best lookin' candidate.  

New Commonplace Words
Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Peppier (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

Frust (n.) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Disconfect (v.) To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

Dopelar Effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you explain them rapidly.

Elbonics (n.) The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Great Stategy...

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America! to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Christmas Chore

I wish I could deal with my debts by just printing more money.  The really unfortunate reality is that that is not a viable solution for the gubmint.  There is already too much money in circulation.  Also, we don't REALLY have any idea how much gold bullion they REALLY have stored to back it up!

I kept fighting my wife on getting the bedroom painted- because it is so much work.  We just spent the weekend throwing stuff away, cleaning and moving the furniture somewhere else that is directly in the way.  After two days, then we will move everything back.  After less than two weeks, my wife will decide that she want new carpeting too and we will move everything out of the room again.  Someone should invent spray paint and spray carpeting that doesn't stick to furniture, so the room doesn't have to emptied to update it!

I too three boxes of magazines to the public library today.  Hopefully they can sell them.  I also threw at least that many away in the recycling bin.  As much as I detest electronic magazine, they do have their advantages.  They don't make clutter.  Also, the dust bunnies have been multiplying for a while- and they are all invisible until you move something!

I really hate to be doing this chore at Christmas time, but this is the gift that my wife wanted.  Luckily I only have one more week to work before I go on vacation... (and this chore will be done).

Drinking and Driving
I would like to share a personal experience about
drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage. 

12-Step Internet Recovery Program

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Feel like I've...
...milked this cow before: deja moo
...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew
...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo
...scared this person away before: deja boo
...read this mystery book before: deja clue
...been in this courtroom before: deja sue
...felt this bad before: deja rue
...felt this sad before: deja blue
...expanded this way before: deja grew
...learned this stuff before: deja knew
...waited in line before: deja queue
...eaten this dinner before: deja stew
...forgotten this your name before: deja who
...seen these twins before: deja two
...used this beer recipe before: deja brew
...been on this airplane before: deja flew
...fed these pigeons before: deja coo
...sketched this portrait before: deja drew
...ended this relationship before: deja through
...felt this ill before: deja flu
...sat through this sermon before: deja pew
...admired this scenery before: deja ooo
...exposed the real facts before: deja true
 

Some things don't change...

After a long, and stressful week, we had clients to entertain on Friday and Saturday nights.  Friday night was the annual Christmas Parade downtown, so the traffic level was high.  Many streets were blocked, and the parking was non-existent. Still we persisted to meet these clients at a fancy restaurant for dinner and drinks.
The table was waiting for us, as most everyone was watching the parade.  The place was almost empty. The service was good.  One fellow brought us water and bread with olive oil and vinegar. Another brought us menus and a wine list.  Our clients were late, later than we were.
Finally they arrived.  They were very nice, and even brought us a gift (surprise).  From that point on, our waiter disappears, only reappearing to rattle off the specials of the evening and take our orders- and then again to deliver them.  It was amazing how he became more rude and detached every time we saw him.  
The (small) salads and appetizers were delivered and we proceeded with dinner.  Later, after what seemed forever, our meals were served.  The plates were enormous, and nesteled in the centers, were the edible offerings (!).  This is an Italian restaurant and it must be Northern Italian (like very close to the French border).  The entrees were somewhat tasty, what there was of them. 
I must be getting old and perhaps I expect more for the exorbitant amount that we were paying.  
What I learned was that they had really good bread there, and that everyone ate more than their share... and we probably wouldn't return.  In this day and age (and down-turned economy). places that survive will do it with food, service and atmosphere- but if any one of the three are missing- good luck.

Digits...
One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

Political Quotes
"I resent your insinuendoes."

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."

"Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." -- Marion Berry

"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."

"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

"Let's do this in one foul swoop."

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."

"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."

"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."

"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema." 

Post Holiday Blues

The media is rife with great reviews of the Silver Linings Playbook, but I have been disappointed before.  My wife wanted to see it after our Thanksgiving dinner.  Bradley Cooper was unexpectedly good at a serious role.  The real standout, though, was Jennifer Lawrence.  Having seen her in Winter's Bone, her performance in that movie stood out in spite of the fact that I did not like it.  I suspected at that point that she would go far.  In hunger Games, which I also didn't like, her performance was outstanding.  She can say more with her eyes and expressions than with the dialog.  IMHO, this movie, which is a low-budget, shot-in-the-dark will elevate to Oscar consideration, the movie, Cooper and definitely Lawrence.

While the food and company were great for Thanksgiving, I certainly agree that the amount of effort to create that meal doesn't appear to be worthwhile for the payoff, which lasts about fifteen minutes, it seems.  We were all so full that we didn't go back for seconds! As usual, we dieted for the week before- and gorged ourselves (compliments to Bobby Flay) for that one evening.  Now I'm ready to go back on a diet, to feel comfortable again...

Things you'll overhear on Thanksgiving that might sound dirty on any other day
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back and take it easy ... I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Restarting Again...

I have started this post at least three times and I still don't know what it is that I wish to share opinions on this week.  I could have a post on how "I told you so" about the formerly (G)OP and their presidential candidate, and the election results, but I have been quite happy with the results of the election and the fact that Uncle Mitt has shared his "bad loser sportsmanship qualities" with the public.  It certainly appears truthful that he (they) were out of touch with the electorate, since they expected a landslide of votes in their direction.   I have always been in favor of doing away with the Electoral College, but considering how smart our forefathers were to come up with it; I'd say that it has served us well to accurately represent the wishes of the major part of the electorate.

Meanwhile, I couldn't possibly be busier at work working on projects whose funding expires by the end of the year.  It has surprised me how productive I can still be, knowing that the end is coming soon.

Today, I am assisting the creation of several parts of our Thanksgiving Feast.  I am go-fer, grater, mixer, shopper, and you-name-it, but I am not responsible for successful creations!

"If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again... it was probably worth it."

"The best way to make a small fortune in racing is to start with a big one."  - attributed, Junior Johnson

One-liners
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The most adorable bride of today will be someone's mother-in-law in the future.

Punctual people have nothing better to do.

People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!

Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.

Save time . . . see it my way.

The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.

People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health.

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!" 

Cat Quotes

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez

"There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast."
-Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another."
- Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
- Faith Resnick

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer

The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols

"The smallest feline is a masterpiece."
-- Leonardo Da Vinci

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Anonymous

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.
 

Answering machine message at a Mental Hospital
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short- term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it
up.
 

Is Skyfall Still Bond?

The latest Bond movie is evolutionary.  They took us to his boyhood home, replaced M and Q and the format of the movie has changed.  Daniel Craig, with his superb acting skills, has transformed this movie into more of a Bourne-type movie.  There are less gadgets, less cars, just as many women, but very few encounters with them.  I wonder where they are going to take this next.  After fifty years of Bond, perhaps it was time to change it.  After all, the original author has died and these scrips are now written in the Ian Fleming style, but without the cold war, the topics are different and the spying is different.
I think they did a great job as a transitional movie, but I worry that the franchise will be lost amongst other movies that are not unique.

"Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire.  It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad." - Dave Barry

Don't mess with mothers....

My son came home from school one day,

with a smirk upon his face.

He decided he was smart enough,

to put me in my place.

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

that's taught by Mr. Wright?

It's all about the laws today,

The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room,

don't have to cut my hair.

No one can tell me what to think,

or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,

and regardless what you say,

I don't have to bow my head,

and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,

and pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like,

get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,

I'll charge you with a crime.

I'll back up all my charges,

with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,

my body's only for my use,

not for your hugs and kisses,

that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,

like your Mama did to you.

That's nothing more than mind control,

And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,

so you can't influence me,

or I'll call Children's Services Division,

better know as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was

to toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach him a lesson

made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,

I couldn't let this go.

A smile crept upon my face,

he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping

at the local Goodwill Store.

I told him, "Pick out all you want,

there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.

who said they didn't care

if I bought you K-Mart shoes

instead of those Nike Airs.

I've cancelled that appointment

to take your driver's test.

The C.S.D. is unconcerned

so I'll decide what's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat,

or pick up stuff to munch.

And tomorrow you can start to learn

to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,

and wait till dinner time.

We're having liver and onions,

a favorite dish of mine.

He asked ""Can I please rent a movie,

to watch on my VCR?

"Sorry, but I sold your TV,

for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,

you'll take the couch instead.

The C.S.D. requires

just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,

I'll choose what we eat.

That allowance that you used to get,

will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,

dirt-bike & roller blades.

Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"

It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,

why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you out,

instead of C.S.D..?

Ode to Our Past

In our later years we try to replay,
All the things we loved back in the day,
Back when we were young and free,
When all that mattered was you and me.

Now we are older and set in our ways,
And find we misremember our younger days,
For what we thought was hip back then,
Was just a bunch of slightly talented men.

We see them in the here and now,
And look back with a slightly scowled brow,
Wondering what all the fuss was about,
Back when the young girls would scream and shout.

Bad Brakes
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "It's in here with me."

The Smart Phone Cliff..

I face a conundrum, and I'm not alone.  Being in a high tech profession, I would love the newest and fastest of almost anything.  I have preached for so long about security issues and losing one's identity with smart phones that actually require that you "sell your soul", that I have difficulty in accepting one or choosing one if I do accept the idea.  There have been several articles that extol the virtues of smart phones, whether iPhone or Android (see Consumer Reports or About.com).  I am still in the category of cell phone or smart phone.  I spend all day five days a week working on computer software.  I would love dearly to put that kind of technology to work for me.  I think my main issue is trust.  Do I trust Apple or Google ?

Apple is in the business of selling consumer electronics and software AND especially content (such as iTunes offers).  Google, on the other hand, gets most of it's revenue from directed marketing. So if I trust no one and decide to just have a stupid cell phone- which one?  They are not equally bad, but they are ALL bad.

Perhaps I will just turn Lemming and follow most everyone else over the smart phone cliff....from whence we will not return...

No need for spell check

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. 

Cute Dog Quotes
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look hat says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

As was predicted...

So, as predicted, POTUS cleaned Uncle Mitt's clock (at least in electoral votes), but what is most obvious is that the country did not trust Romney or what he said.  He did not make contact with the middle class, Latinos or women, and it cost him the election.  The votes he got were from people that would not vote black, or are too ignorant to understand that issues that plague our economy are Congress' fault- not Obama's.

What is the story with Florida (again)?  Why is it that they cannot count their votes or even get people to vote in a timely manner ? At least, they were not decisive in this election.

Isn't it interesting how all of the extremists come out of their dark corners and try to get a candidacy for the election? Then the most benign of them gets the nomination- and even more interesting is the fact that the election forces reality to the surface for many voters and they move towards the center of responsibility and trust.

The following is somebody's "real life" telemarketing solution!

Our biggest disappointment with caller id was that many phone
calls were tagged "Out of Area" rather than giving a phone
number. In particular, banks of phones behind switchboards or in
a Centrex are marked that way, which covers most of those pesky
telemarketers that make our lives so miserable. We've found a way
to work around that, which others with Caller ID may also wish to
use.

When we get calls marked Out of Area, especially at the prime
telemarketer time (6-8 P.M.), we now answer the phone, "KDNA,
you're on the air!" Usually the telemarketer will be a bit
befuddled, and ask for one of us by name. We will repeat that we
are a radio station, that the caller is on the air and is, in
fact, the twenty-fifth caller.

Here's a dialog with one telemarketer who bit real hard:

Me (seeing Out of Area on Caller ID, using bouncy DJ voice):
KDNA, you're on the air!
Telemarketer: May I speak to Mad-uh-leen So...So...So-johr-nohr?
Me: This is KDNA, and you are on the air! You've just won your
choice of a new Ford Explorer or $25,000 in cash!!!
Telemarketer: I have?
Me: You certainly have.
Telemarketer: Oh, my god!
Me: Happy? Which will it be, the Explorer or the money?
Telemarketer: I don't know! Let me get my supervisor!
Me: You don't need your supervisor, it's your prize. Are you
calling us from work?
Telemarketer: Yes I am.
(Background voices.)

Telemarketer: My boss says to take the money.
Me: The money! So you listen to KDNA while you're working?
Telemarketer: I didn't even know we were calling you!
Me: Well, where are you calling us from?
Telemarketer: (Some place thousands of miles from us.)
Me: My, my! I guess you can't pick us up all the way out there!
So what's your name?
Telemarketer: Sherry.
Me: Sherry, tell us here on KDNA what kind of music you like.

Sherry: I'm so nervous I can't even think! Nothing like this has
ever happened to me!
Me: Sherry, if you like the kind of music that we play here on
KDNA, we'll play one just for you!
Sherry: But I wouldn't be able to hear it. Where's your radio
station, anyway?
Me: We're broadcasting out of Silicon Valley, California, at
106.6 FM.
(Obviously, telemarketer isn't smart enough to know FM stations
don't end in even decimals.)
Sherry: This is just so great!
Me: Sherry, how old are you?
Sherry: I'm 20.
Me: And what do you do?
Sherry: I'm a business student at (some college).
Me: What will you do with the money, Sherry? Start a business?
Sherry: Oh, I just don't know!
Me: I thought you said you were at work, Sherry.
Sherry: I am. This is to help pay for college.
Me: What's your job?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer.
Me: You're a what?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer ... I call people up and ask them if
they want to buy (product/service/etc.)
Me: Oh, that's too bad.
Sherry: Why?

Me: Because we here at KDNA think telemarketers are the lowest
scum on earth, and I don't think we can give this prize to a
telemarketer. You folks are always interrupting people during
dinner and I think that's rotten. So I don't think you should
win.
Sherry: But that's not fair!
Me: Of course not! But hey, it's my radio show, I get to make the
rules.
Sherry: But you can't do that!
Me: I sure can, I'm giving this prize to the next caller.
Meanwhile, I suggest you quit your job. Today.

Click.

Haiku Error Messages
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Windows Seven crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

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Son of Haiku Error Messages

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Software Conflict: Wife 1.0 Upgrade
Last year, after hearing how great it was for so long, a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 3.0 to Wife 1.0. He has found Wife 1.0 to be a resource hog, leaving him very little free space for other applications. Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Subroutines, which further consumes valuable system resources. His system performance and resources seem to diminish with each passing day. At first, he thought Wife 1.0 might be infected with a virus, but other users have assured him that Wife 1.0 is behaving normally and this behavior should be expected due to the nature of the application.

My friend also discovered that Wife 1.0 installed itself in such a way that it can monitor all other system activity. He now finds that some programs such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 5.1 and PubNight 7.0 cannot run at all. If he attempts to launch them, Wife 1.0 complains about a sharing violation and crashes. He finds this behavior strange since he could run these programs just fine before he upgraded.

At installation, he found Wife 1.0 provides no option to bypass the installation of undesired add-ons such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.

Some features he would like to see introduced in the upcoming Wife 2.0 release:

* A "Don't Remind Me Again" button.
* A Minimize button.
* An Install Shield that allows Wife 2.0 to be uninstalled at anytime without the loss of cache or other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode.

I have decided to forego all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking to Girlfriend 3.0. However, even that option has many problems. Apparently, you cannot install one version of Girlfriend before you completely uninstall the old version first. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. If the newer version finds a reference to the old version, Girlfriend will completely freeze until you reboot and remove the stray reference. I am told this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.

Also, versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. Another thing that stinks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all MSMoney files and take all your cache before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0. will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

***** BUG WORKAROUNDS *****

If you can afford it, try installing Mistress 1.0 on an entirely different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0.

Another possible solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via an ISP under an anonymous name.