I rest my case on the desire to return to simpler times...
A by-product of these times has shaped my shopping so as not to include books for my family members. Borders is no more. Barnes and Noble is no longer here. The one remaining bookstore, Chaucers, is packed with people and the aisles are clogged with stacks of yet unshelved books.
Hollywood Video, Video Schmideo, Captain Video and Blockbuster's are all gone. Streaming is the norm.
Perusing book or DVD covers to be able to choose, is a luxury no longer available to us. Selections are decisions that must be made in an immediate fashion.
I remember going to a newsstand and looking and dozens of magazines. Sometimes I would find one to buy, but most of the time I left empty handed. At least, I had a choice. Now I am stuck with a subscription of what may be a good magazine, whether electronic or physical.
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first
time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest
asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,
go on,' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?!? What happened
next?'"
Human Race Doomed?
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mom
Nag, Nag, Nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????
No comments:
Post a Comment