Living in De Nile

If you are alright with your privacy being eroded by high tech devices that do more in the background than it apparent, so be it.  It is with outrage that most of us react.  The manufacturers and cell carriers are complacent and swimming a river in Egypt ("de-nile") about the whole issue.  I claim that this is just a tip of the iceberg and users will eventually expect to be paid for the information that is being stolen from them now...

HOW THEY HAVE SEX
ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

Pageantry Galore

I thought the Royal wedding was very impressive and beautiful.  Only the Brits know how to do all that pomp and pageantry.  Kate and William were beaming! They look like quite the match and I hope they are happy.  I know her father is, since he didn't have to shell out for the wedding, ka ching!  Too bad the nuptials' date is shared with Adolf Hitler!

So this is the fifth day that my wife and I are on the Dukan Diet (highly recommended by Kate Middleton...).  My headache has finally subsided, as the first five days, I have been going through withdrawal from sugar and carbs.  I am up-to-here with eggs and yogurt, for sure.  More on whether it has worked when I get to my first (well deserved) pizza and beer!

Don't you find it interesting that both GM and Ford have limited read or black cars because of the Japanese tragedy, but all of Chryslers' new car ads ONLY show black cars AND the ads are SO dark, you can hardly make them out.  Mebbie it is because they are "imported from Detroit"!  Well, in my book; it wasn't that long ago that Fiat was producing junk and gave up on America's higher requirements.  It was even more recent that Chrysler products were only a step above that...

A blonde takes her car to a garage. She asks if there's any way they can fix the hail damage on her hood. Seeing that she was blonde, the mechanic decided to have some fun with her. He tells her,

"Well, I'll let you in on something. I'll tell you how to do it on your own, and it will cost you nothing. Go home, and blow as hard as you can into the tail pipe. Then the dents will pop out!"

Excited, the blonde goes home and parks her car in the driveway and begins to blow into the tailpipe.

Another blonde walks by and asks what she's doing. The blonde explains what she's doing and the other blonde yells,

"Gosh! It's blondes like you that give us a bad name! Anyone knows that you have to have the windows rolled up first!"

A man walks into an auto parts store and says

"I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me."

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT THE TATTOO PARLOR
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

"We're all out of red, so I used pink."

"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

"I’d like you to meet my father-in-law, he’s a laser removal specialist."

"Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."

"Just let me toss back another shot and we’ll get started."

"That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."

"Don’t worry, this is a one of a kind tattoo. Your clover has five leaves, not four."

"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."

"If you don’t like it, don’t panic. I do bitchin’ cover-ups."

"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."

"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

"The flag's all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."

"Oops...."

"Latex gloves are for sissies."

"Do you mind paying me up front? People stiff me if I don’t get the money before I do the job"

"I haven’t learned drawing a Grim Reaper yet, so I did a naked chick hugging Mickey instead."

Bin Laden Express

They all look alike to me- to me.  They all look alike to me....  How did we miss Bin Laden all these years?  He must have had a lot of cash to make happen whatever he needed. I wonder what he looks like now....  I am quite surprised that we haven't managed to "buy" his location.  I am also surprised that there hasn't been a Hollywood movie made about him yet...

Put Your Foot In Your Mouth
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company..."

Spelling Errors and Wrong Notes - San Francisco
A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of a deposit slip wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and might call the police before he could reach the teller.

So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there, he handed his note to a teller. After reading it, the teller determined that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, she could not honor his demand. He would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America.

Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later--still waiting in line at the Bank of America.

Actual Newspaper Headlines
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
War Dims Hope for Peace
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Tracking For $$$

So Apple is caving.  Apparently they are in such tight control of their software design that they can now cut down the year's worth of tracking data down to only a week, and stop backing up the file AND encrypt it.  All of these things SHOULD have been done from day one.  It is really a shame that it takes a public uproar to protect a small portion of your privacy!  Android and Microsoft to follow shortly- we hope....

By now everyone should have figured out why they are tracking your phone, and why it is so important to them.  Your location means opportunities to direct location-oriented ads and coupons to your phone.  The suggestion of a sale at a particular store (while you pass it) or a juicy burger at a restaurant (within walking distance) or getting you to park at a particular location so that you walk past a particular store's window, can prove very valuable to them.  As soon as the general user public realizes that smart phones are not specifically designed to make their lives better, but instead to make $$$ for their maker and carrier, then the real issues will begin.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."

The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."

Schmaltz in Space?

This just in... NASA is testing rocket fuel made from chicken and beef fat!  This may be a step too far into "Green" space travel!   Mebbie KFC will advertise on NASA's rockets, since they will be spreading a "finger-lickin'" smell!

Second day of the Dukan diet leaves me with a low-grade headache that just lingers on.  I've been "good" and followed the plan outlined in the book.  So how many eggs can I really eat ?  So while there is a lot of variety, most of what you get to eat are eggs and yogurt.  BOOOOORING!

Now a pair of Apple customers have filed a lawsuit claiming an invasion of privacy over the so called tracking "bug", which is patent-pending [not much of a bug, then is it?].  Why did we expect Apple to tell us the truth?  There is way too much money involved....  There were some Senators interested.  When do you suppose the gubmint will get involved?

A man asks his wife...

"What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says, "I would take half the money and leave your ass!"

He replies, "Good, I just won $7.00 on these scratch cards. Here's your $3.50, now get the hell out!" 

A quick Spanglish Lesson.............

1. *Cheese*

Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*

My fren wants 2 become a citizen, but che didn't know how to read, so I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *

When I'm not home, my fren always Texas me, che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece, then che got herpes.

6. *July*

Ju told me ju were going to tha store but ju went to see sum guy, july to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*

I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife but che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*

We only have one enchilada left but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing*

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*

My wife caught me in bed with another women. I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. *Bishop*

My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*

I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*

That women has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

Dukaning Along...

Well both my wife and I started the Dukan diet this morning.  We figured that if it is good enough for royalty, why not...  So I had a nonfat and unflavored yogurt and a Dukan gallete for breakfast followed by a coffee.  Th gallette (pancake) was made with nonfat and unflavored yogurt, egg whites, Splenda and oat bran.  It was fried like a typical pancake.  Actually, breakfast wasn't bad.  For lunch today, I get a hard-boiled egg, yogurt and a slice of turkey.  I should be wasting away as we speak! 

According to the Wall Street Journal, your spyPhone will continue to save tracking information, even if you change the settings!   Can you trust any of the OTHER settings ?

The claim is that by 2012 you will be able to hold a conversation with your car.  It will tell you when there is an issue, scold you when you speed or try to keep you awake...  The Knight Rider returns!

Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

Quiet Weekend

We spent the day shopping in various points south yesterday. First stop was a tile showroom in Santa Barbara and then to Thousand Oaks for fireplace accessories.  Not finding them in T.O., we moved fifteen minutes more farther south to Woodland Hills.  Returning north, we perused the Camarillo Outlets and then stopped at the Deckers' Factory Outlet.  One more stop at Pacific View Mall in Ventura before returning home.  It was actually pretty amazing that we found so many places to shop but only returned home with one pair of new shoes!
As more and more stores close in my area, I can't help but wonder how far we'll have to travel for shopping in the future.  While we do buy things on the internet, it still seems more appropriate to "hold them in your hand" first.

Today we walked the dog along the bluffs in Isla Vista to Coal Oil Point.  The wind was howling, the waves were high and the whitecaps as far as you could see.  There were wind surfers and parasail surfers really moving fast. They were having a ball. We came home with itchy eyes and running noses...

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating.
It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!" 

Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

"They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss
America pageant. Was that a good idea? Do you really want to
hear, 'My dreams for the future include world peace, and that my
ex-husband gets killed by a bus'"
- Jay Leno

New Drugs for Women
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. 

Don't Worry- I Won't Use What I Steal

Now both Apple and Google admit to collecting location information and other location oriented specifics particularly related to WiFi.  They should have known better.  They should have given the user an "opt-out".  They need to be up front with us that they are making a huge fortune on our graciously "available" information.  This is a huge rip-off of the user.  For one small thing; the user should be totally subsidized by the carrier for the data they provide!  There clearly needs to be some user rights legislation as well as privacy enforcement.  Of course, nobody is forcing the use of "smart" phones on anyone...As the Paradigm shifts... Remember when you could get a cell phone without a camera.  Soon we will try to remember when we could get a cell phone that isn't a "smart" phone.

Everyone's heart should bleed for AT&T [NOT].  This poor big boy cannot meet it's dominance goals unless the gubmint caves and lets it acquire T-mobile.  Perhaps it just needs to limit it's iPhone contracts to those it can easily support, or we'll end up with another Ma Bell!

Interesting Anecdotes ...
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Communications giant Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by Fredrik Idestam.

Tourists visiting  Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashionable to shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes' Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

The heat of peppers is rated on the Scoville scale

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst
mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

When it originally appeared in 1886 - Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F

The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density

Fish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due to the smell it produces

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil) and Mazaru(Speak no evil).

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight

Trivia in Roman mythology was the goddess who haunted crossroads, graveyards and was the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft. She wandered about at night, and was seen only by the barking of dogs who told of her approach.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

The painting that won second place in a competition held by the US National Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
  
And last but not least:
In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years! This is called 'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days.

For all the men and children in our lives who ask, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?"
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless(God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have  KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse.(Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.(Where was that when you NEEDED  it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,"Here, you just might need this".

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ..........

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This is what bonding in the bathroom is all about!

Age Related Anti-Social Illness

Are you too old for social networking?   All my kids are concerned about when they say that we don't need a Facebook page is whether we look at their pages or not. There are specialized sites for boomers and the over fifty crowd, as well as one for tots. As friendships develop, certain comments or messages are only intended for certain people, so that kind of communication does not belong on a social networking site.  Perhaps the younger crowd does not realize that....  What IS too old, anyway?  They keep saying that age has slipped 10-15 years (like 70 is the old 60), so it must be all in our mind...

So Apple would like you to believe that they ARE creating location tracking information, but they are NOT EVER going to use it.  This isn't information that would ever be used to find your stolen spyPhone or spyPad since all you would need is their current location, not where they have been.  Why is it okay for devices to collect data (without the user's knowledge or consent)  and provide it to whomever pays ?

As an experiment in absurdity [and to prove that the vetting process for membership is flawed], we decided to get a email account for our chihuahua.  I first tried with Google and I was not successful.  Microsoft's Hotmail was simple.  The next step was to get Max a Facebook account.  I wanted this experiment to be relatively devoid of any links to us, as though Max was doing it independently.  I had to pick a last name for Max, that wasn't mine.  First I tried "Max Chihuahua", but Facebook balked.  I adjusted it to "Max Perro" and fudged a bit about his birthday, and Mr. Zuckerberg's prize software looked the other way, while Max got his own page. [This certainly doesn't appear to adequate to keep youngsters off, for sure.]  I added pictures, favorite movies (like "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" and "Legally Blond") and decided to poke my daughter to befriend Max.  An innocent gesture that got a not-unexpected response.  She opened a chat with me and complained about the absurdity, but wouldn't befriend him.  She didn't want her friends on Facebook to know that she had him for a friend.  Then, this morning, I went on to Facebook and looked at her page.  She wouldn't be Max's friend, but she complained about the friend-request to her Facebook friends!  [Why do I try to understand kids?]  I will continue to add "fluff" to Max's site to see if the information gets to the wrong places...

"Shouldn't there be some kind of relationship between how much a baby eats and how much comes out the other end? It's like at the circus, when they've got the tiny VW Bug but the clowns just keep coming out and out and out... Eventually you learn how to hold your breath like a Hokkaido pearl diver."
- Dennis Miller

10 Reasons You know you're addicted to Facebook

1. You relationship status is only official if its been updated on Facebook.

2. You check your Facebook account more then one time every hour.

3. You visit sites that list reasons you know your addicted to Facebook.

4. You take pictures for the sole reason of tagging them on Facebook.

5. You have several Facebook friends that you've never actually met in person.

6. You're one of the few people who actually use Facebook chat.

7. You find yourself saying things like "I will tag you in this photo" when you are out.

8. You tell (more like force) people to join Facebook.

9. You like to be poked and you like poking in return.

10. The world "poke" is no longer considered something physical to you.

Apple Knows Where You Are...And Who Else?

So once again, information on your iPhone or 3G iPad is being shared without your permission.  Apple is keeping track of your location, in real-time. When will this ever end?

I got my truck back today and it was ready when they said.  It was clean inside and out.  The repair was better than new and I was just ecstatic.  I thought about writing an email to the manager, but did one better.  I sent an email to Edhat and all the readers will know what a good experience should be.  I hope they get some extra business from my sharing...

"You have got to change those diapers every day. When it says six to twelve pounds on the side of the Pampers box, they're not lying. That is all those things will hold."
- Jeff Foxworthy

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".
The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
"Hysterias and Posteriors".
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".
No go, so they tried...
"Catatonics and High Colonics".
Thumbs down again, so they tried...
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
STILL not good, so they tried...
"Minds and Behinds".
Unacceptable again, so they tried...
"Lost Souls and - - - -holes".
Still no go. Nor did these...
"Analysis and Anal Cysts",
"Queers and Rears",
"Nuts and Butts",
"Freaks and Cheeks" or
"Loons and Moons" work either.
They finally settled on...
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends"!  

The latest toy has hit the shops--a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the hell it says,
because no one has the balls to pull the cord. 

Cumulus or Nimbostratus?

It's bad when you are reading a technical article or even a murder mystery and you have to look up a word to find out what they are talking about. It is very good to expand your vocabulary, but not at the expense of the storyline or technical description. One of the big advantages of online reading is that many words will be hyperlinked and can easily be clarified and return to the original text is easily accomplished. This would be very handy in online textbooks. While that is a big advantage (among many others); it may not be enough reason to completely abandon printed pages. There is still a casual elegance involved with reading a newspaper in an airport terminal or a paperback on a beach that can't be easily fulfilled with an e-reader, laptop, tablet or desktop. Until the investment is well under $100 for an e-reader, I won't consider it disposable or risk leaving one on my beach blanket, while I take a swim. I believe that e-readers will drop in price, while tablets will continue to add features and probably remain at approximately the same price for a long while. Laptops and desktops will probably continue to drop in price because of lackluster sales. They will still be needed by developers and other creators of content, as the e-readers and tablets are really for content viewing. Where does that leave the computer industry ? I think we are going to be doing more and more with our personal computers, but they will probably be on the "phone" platform. They will project keyboards on our desk, and screens on the wall. We will be developing content by accessing a cloud on a wireless network.

An elderly patient gets hearing aids from a doctor. After short time, he meets the doctor again.

Doctor, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased."
Patient, "Oh, I am in a funny situation now. I haven't told my family yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. In a month, I've changed my will three times!" 

The following is an important announcement...

Police warn all clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages. 

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Forty," she replied.

 And you thought you had a bad day....

DIY: Trump's Comb-over!

Dropped off my truck for body repairs this morning and walked a block to the car rental agency.  I showed up early at the body shop and didn't have to wait, but when I got to the car rental, there were about ten people ahead of me.  Those of us waiting in line were actually amazed that everyone was polite and patient.  The attendant was doing as best as he could under the circumstances.

Give me a break!  How in the world are supposed EVER take Trump seriously, when Time Magazine publishes the how-to on Trump's comb-over ?

 
"Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly alike. Its not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday."
- Ellen DeGeneres

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy smokes" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched
the clock He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of
relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" 

What does Facebook have to with me Liking?

This really gets me riled!  Do some people not read articles unless they have to "like" them first on Facebook?  Apparently so, since there are people writing about the affect Facebook is having on our culture and society- AND it isn't good!  What if your favorite widget is made by a company that doesn't have Facebook presence (just presence of mind, probably)? Is that a reason NOT to buy that widget anymore? How shallow of our culture and society!  One could say that "resistance is futile...", but I'm a believer in the Social Bubble.  As soon as the NEXT-BEST-THING comes along, Facebook will fall- HARD.

So Facebook users, in most cases, appear surprised that their revered automated director of social relations (i.e. Facebook) would turn on their trusting involvement with the biggest privacy invasion in history just to make money!  Trust in me (for free); this is just the beginning.  Remember when they wanted to register gun owners, and the owners were worried that when the Russians came, they would know where all the guns were.  Well, put this in another arena, a similar arena....

Last night, on the pretense of a dinner invitation, I was surprised with a poker/birthday party.  It was a hoot... and sure was surprised.

"We've all done this because we're so mature. You see a cow on
the side of the road, stick your head out the window, and go,
"Mooo!" Like we expect the cow to think, 'Hey there's another cow
driving that car! How can he afford that?"
- Garry Shandling

Actual Newspaper Headlines

· Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
· Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
· Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
· Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
· Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
· Farmer Bill Dies in House
· Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
· Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
· Stud Tires Out
· Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
· Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
· Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
· Eye Drops off Shelf
· Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
· Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
· Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
· Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
· Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
· Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
· Miners Refuse to Work after Death
· Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
· Stolen Painting Found by Tree
· Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
· Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
· Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
· Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
· Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
· War Dims Hope for Peace
· If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
· Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
· Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
· Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
· Deer Kill 17,000
· Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
· Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
· New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Click on the picture above...