Nostalgia...

I spend a lot of time seeking anamnesis. The simpler life (of the past) is truly what I would like to return to.  When politicians still based their campaign on "character".  When someone's "word" meant everything.  When marriages lasted at least a "coon's age" and even longer.  When you could actually work on your car, because it was mechanical and simple. When you could actually buy a car for less than a house costs in some places. Where foods were pure and unadulterated.  When an honest wage could still be earned and still support a family of four. When you could still buy "Made in America" goods. When you could still buy a book or rent a movie....


Those days are gone, I lament.  Gone, at least, where most (maybe all) of us continue to live.

A Heartwarming Story Of The Advances Of Women In Achieving
Equality Throughout The World..........

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now
walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is
marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

Ode To The New Year

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt - I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

New Year's Day Prayer for One and AllDear Lord
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen

New Year's Day: "Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions.  Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." - Mark Twain

Don't Let the World Pass You By...

Note that the picture of the week changed a bit early.  We all need to slow down this holiday season.  Pause the frenzy and smell the flowers.  It is outrageous what there is around you that is ignored, usually unintentionally.

Uhhhhh, let's see... If I had a Verizon cell phone account and I wanted to make an online payment, I would give them an additional $2 in spite of their poor service and many network outages- NOT!  This sound like the absolute worst time to levy an additional charge.  Congratulations Verizon!

So by afternoon, Verizon pulled the fee.  Apparently they have never read about the BofA debit card fee....Customers don't mind paying when the fee makes sense.

Resolution

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Procrastinate more.

Drink. Drink some more.

Start being superstitious.

Spend more time at work.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

I just bought an occasional table.

I have no idea what it does the rest of the time.

The "Nots"...

This week we went to see the latest Mission Impossible movie.  This was well done.  Tom Cruise doesn't let you catch your breath.  The pelting continues throughout.  The photography and special effects are very well done and provide seamless flow through the script. All factors considered, I would give it a B+ rating.

Truthfully, we were headed to see the latest Sherlock Holmes, as Robert Downey Jr. is one of my favorites.  Unfortunately, the scheduling of the shows made this one inconvenient, so we went with MI.  I am not sorry, though, as I'm sure we will see this eventually.

Watching the coverage of Iowa, one can only wonder what difference it will make on who wins.  You have Milquetoast Mitt and Not.  The "Nots" don't have a chance as they are extremists or are struggling to cover-up rattling skeletons in their closets. The best chance that Mitt has,is that he is not-Obama.

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Holiday Woes...

As hard as we tried, there is no escaping the erosion of the Christmas holiday.  The kids have grown, and even though they return for the holidays, the "truth" about Santa has escaped and turned loose the materialistic and high-anxiety of the society-defined holiday that we have today.  They have invented names for the high-shopping days.  We are deemed destined to participate or miss-out on all the bargains.  One must remember that we wouldn't be showing record profits unless even the best bargain still showed profits.

I rest my case on the desire to return to simpler times...


A by-product of these times has shaped my shopping so as not to include books for my family members.  Borders is no more.  Barnes and Noble is no longer here.  The one remaining bookstore, Chaucers, is packed with people and the aisles are clogged with stacks of yet unshelved books. 

Hollywood Video, Video Schmideo, Captain Video and Blockbuster's are all gone. Streaming is the norm.


Perusing book or DVD covers to be able to choose, is a luxury no longer available to us.  Selections are decisions that must be made in an immediate fashion.


I remember going to a newsstand and looking and dozens of magazines.  Sometimes I would find one to buy, but most of the time I left empty handed.  At least, I had a choice.  Now I am stuck with a subscription of what may be a good magazine, whether electronic or physical.

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first
time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest
asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,
go on,' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?!? What happened
next?'"

Human Race Doomed?
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mom

Nag, Nag, Nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????

2012 in About a Week...

Since I have been off work for a while and had plenty to do, but also time to reflect over the year's personal events; it has been some year.  There were many things I wanted to do that I didn't get to.  There were also things that I didn't want to do that I had to.  I watched a number of people get RIF'd (laid off). Some were friends and some were not.  A few of them had more time racked up that I do, but they went anyway.  I kept remembering what a wise man once said to be flexible, resourceful and not to wait for work, but to seek it and not make it a secret.  I tried my best to keep busy doing whatever was needed.  I wanted to travel more, but didn't.  I resisted the temptation to buy the latest technologies, which allowed me to watch them get replaced a month or even a week later.  We all kept up our health and lost unneeded weight, but I was supposed to get a physical examination and I let a whole year skip by without scheduling one.  I managed to find many excuses, some were good, but most were just excuses.  I volunteered a bit more than usual, but not enough.  I have to give back more and appreciated how lucky my family is.  I wanted to be more patient and more tolerant and I believe that I achieved that.  Unfortunately, I am still opinionated- maybe too opinionated.  This year brought so many topics to be opinionated about- especially politics and privacy. Those are two of my hot buttons.  I have resolved to drink less alcohol, but that was easy as I have weaned myself to the point where I really don't desire it.  I gave up soda and replaced it with iced tea.  This was a good thing; not because of the sugar (I always drank the diet), but I didn't need the citric acid or all the other undesirable contents.  I broke the habit of ice cream every night while I watched TV.  In fact, I may not have ice cream once a week now.  I miss it, but I don't miss the extra pounds and cholesterol.  It got replaced with nonfat yogurt and oat bran.  That doesn't sound very good, but it is better than the alternatives.  I stopped having cereal and milk in the morning.  In fact, I may have some cereal, dry, as a snack, but don't really drink the milk anymore.  There was probably a lot of sugars that I didn't need there as well.  I wanted to go fishing but another year went by when I didn't make time. Under the category of "Believe it or not": my mother made the best fruitcake [if anyone cares].  I was brought up having it each Christmas season.  I have seen many for sale, but nothing that looks good enough to buy.  I guess I wanted to make a "good" fruitcake for my family to dispel the myth that they are all bad and why would anyone eat one....so far I haven't.

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."

Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-two).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Seasons Greetings

Being from Canada (the land of political correctness). Where we no longer have Christmas trees, but instead we have holiday trees. (honestly no bullsh**)
So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Canada is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/ him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .
Best Regards (without prejudice)
Name withheld (Privacy Act).
 

OH PISS ON IT!!!!!!! I want to wish everybody the best that the season has to offer. I hope that you enjoy the Love of Friends and Family. I hope that the special present you wanted is under your Beautiful Christmas Tree, when you wake up in the morning. I hope that you enjoy the day in whichever manner your faith wants you to enjoy it. I also hope that you have a prosperous 2012.
Merry Christmas and Best of Wishes.

 

A Good Show

We rented "The Help" last evening and I applaud it.  It was well cast, well presented and overall well done.  Having only spent a week of my life in Mississippi in the 80s, I know that not a tremendous amount has changed since the 60s.  This movie shows the breath of the the biases, the ugliness of racial prejudices and the ridiculousness of it all.  Actually, it rubs your face in the absurdity- and does it very well.  The critics gave it a 76% on Rotten Tomatoes, but the audience gave it 91%.  I favor the audience rating.  I liked the characterizations and that time period of Southern life, which has not been exploited enough to raise the awareness of inequity. 

‘Twas A Florida Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, twos not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn’t a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,
There weren’t any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.

He stopped at each house…stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up I-75 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL,
I WISH I COULD STAY!” 

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the following carefully:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Canada and the northern boarder states.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!” 

One Liners
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. 

Christmas cards

It was nice to see my 96 year old Granny today.
She has received over 40 Christmas cards.....Although 22 were from her friend Ethel who has Alzheimer's...

True stupid stories 
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. 

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. 

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times. 

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.  




Predicting the Future ...

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, Inventor of TV

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosive." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likehood man can ever tap the power of the atom." -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Send a Meat-Cutter to Radio Shack- not me!

I was sent to the market today for a cut-up chicken.  There were none.  I called over the "meat-cutter" and asked if he had any more in the back.  He went to look, and while he was gone, the manager came by to see if I was being helped.  Just then the meat-cutter showed up to say there were no more.  The manager apologized.  I asked if the meat-cutter could cut me up one of the whole chickens.  He said "No", and exclaimed that he was only certified for beef or pork.  He would get into trouble if he cut a chicken!

I tell you, in this age of specialization, if I were the meat-cutter and the manager, I would be more worried if they lost customers to a market that could cut chicken- and then nobody would have a job.  I guess nobody at that store can "cut-the-mustard" either!


I was also sent to get a new pair of ear-buds (for a gift) on the same trip as the market.  I remembered that there is a Radio Shack next to the market.  What a deal!  I remember wandering about in a Radio Shack playing with all the RC toys and checking out all their gadgets.  I was also a member of their battery club.  Once you joined, you could bring back any Radio Shack batteries for new ones for FREE.  Guess what- nothing is free anymore.  You cannot even just look around in the store.  
I was met at the door by a "sales associate" that would guide me throughout the journey about the store and into "purchase-land".  I wanted ear-buds, so he quickly too me to the mid-priced models at $39.95!  Ear-buds are usually crap that come apart, get lost or get tangled beyond help.  Paying more than $10 for units that will need a replacement in a gnat's lifetime is ludicrous.  I asked for the cheaper ones and was shown units that were $5 less.  Each time I asked, I was moved down a step or two until I reached the "disposable" level of $9.99.  
Consequently, I probably have been wiser than I thought to avoid the Radio Shack store.  It no longer has free batteries, or hundreds of gadgets on the walls.  The RC toys are all in boxes, so they can't be played with.  The store makes me feel uncomfortable and even itchy!  That was prolly the last time I go into Radio Shack- at least half the store is dedicated to smart phones and accessories, anyhow.


When did they stop?  I just saw a very nice looking Ferrari parked in the mall lot.  I walked all around it, admiring what I could without touching.  There are no model numbers or names on the outside- anywhere.  I knew it was a Ferrari because of the horse emblem.  It wasn't until I got home and looked it up on the internet that I found out it is a "California".  You'd think that for as much as it costs, there would be a name or model on it- somewhere.  It must have been removed by the owner, as the one on the screen clearly has an name on it (unless that is an added cost option).

Talking

In celebration of the complexities of the English language, we bring you the following: Lets face it English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted but if we examine its paradoxes we find:- that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables why don't humanitarians eat human!? Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day and as cold as hell on another? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:- whereby a house can burn up as it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out. A bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)

Holiday Anxiety!

We rented "Midnight in Paris" last evening.  It is an unusual movie. It takes a lot of patience to deal with the self-centered buttheads that mistreat the main character.  I wanted to slap them around. The scenery of Paris and the chicanery performed to make it look like the 1920s was very well done.  Unfortunately for me, the movie lays out some sort of a goal for a plot but it REALLY never gets there.  I was left wanting for more that wasn't provided. I would give it a C grade. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 93%, but I believe that it should be closer to 75%.  This probably means that I no longer have patience for Woody Allen movies- certainly not as much as I've had in the past.

Buy, buy, buy.  This season sure generates a lot of anxiety.  It is truly too bad that Christmas has become such materialistic holiday. I guess it is true that people don't grow out of toys, they just get more expensive. 

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Closing down Denny's
Denny's restaurants are open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!

Christmas is About Giving (and Volunteering)

The weekend went by in a blur- a fast blur, and here it is Tuesday already....  Friday night was SHOPPING.  Saturday was traipse down to Eagle Rock and move my daughter out of her dorm and SHOP on the way down.  Then on the way back were more stops to SHOP.  Between the traffic, the rude and hurried drivers, and the anxiety of purchasing what you want for the best price is very taxing.  Worse than that is when you have absolutely NO IDEA what to buy.
I attacked this head-on by making something this year.  Since I have been home since early in December burning vacation that cannot be carried over.  I have to admit, it was gratifying.
Also, my wife and I make Holiday Bags (filled with grooming necessities) for all the men and women that are at Transition House during the holidays.  Hopefully, the contents of the bags will help to spruce up some homeless.
This year, we also volunteered to man pledge phones for Unity Shoppe Charities Telethon.  We were there for over two hours, but not at the "prime time".  I only received one credit card pledge, but it was for $5000.  It made me feel good to take their money and put it into use feeding the less fortunate.

Grandma changed 
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and then my dog bit me."

"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!.... But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Nothing Says Christmas Like A Picture With Santa and His Machineguns!

I have had it up to here (my chin) with all the crap about not calling Christmas what it is.  Holiday this or End-of-year celebration or anything that doesn't make only one group happy.  If we weren't going to make at least one group happy, then the Scottsdale Gun Club wouldn't be advertizing that you can get your Holiday picture with Santa and his machine guns.  Shouldn't that be "Christmas" picture?  Obviously, it wouldn't be referring to Kwanzaa or Chanukah which don't have anything to do with Santa, so who are we trying to kid anyway? We go through so much trouble and expense to be Politically Correct- but is it REALLY correct for us?  Do the non Christians REALLY get offended by Christmas and all that goes with it?  Or is it a problem that we invented and really doesn't exist?  I see Menorahs and Stars of David, but they don't offend me.  That is called TOLERANCE.  Say it out loud to yourselves.  It means we should TOLERATE other beliefs- not change ours to suit.  This country is too reactive and too litigious. I'm not sure I agree with the picture above, but I don't HAVE TO AGREE.  Let them do what they want, as long as it doesn't affect me or mine.

The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said,

"Now, Doc, I can take it.  Tell me in plain English what's wrong
with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a
plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I
can tell my wife!"

'Twas the day after Christmas

and all through the house
Children sat slack-jawed, bored on the couch.

Wrappings and toys littered the floor,
An incredible mess that I did abhor.

With Mom in her robe and I in my jeans,
We waded in to get the place clean.

When suddenly the doorbell: it started to clatter,
I sprang to the Security-View to check out the matter.

The new-fallen snow, now blackened with soot,
Was trampled and icy and treacherous to foot.

But suddenly in view, did I gasp and pant:
An unhappy bill collector and eight tiny accountants.

The door flew open and in they came,
Stern-looking men with bills in my name.

On Discover, on Visa, on American Express,
On Mastercard too, I sadly confess,
Right to my limits, then beyond my net worth,
Over the top I had charged, in a frenzy of mirth.

The black-suited men, so somber, so strict,
I wondered why me that they had first picked.

They stared at me with a look I couldn't miss,
That said "Buddy, when are you for paying for this?"

I shrugged my shoulders, but then I grew bolder,
Went to the cabinet and pulled out a folder.

"As you can see," I said with a smile,
"It's bankruptcy that I'll have to file!"
And with a swoop of my arm, my middle digit extended
I threw the bills in the fire: the matter had ended.

The scent of burnt ash came to my nose,
As up the chimney my credit-worthiness rose.

Without another word they turned and walked out,
Got into their limos, but one gave a shout:
"You may think that's the answer to all of your fears,
But it's nothing you'll charge for at least seven years! 

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

A few crumbs short of a crouton.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Has the intelligence of a Carrot

The Amazon Invasion Machine- Worse Than Microsoft!

Illustration by Rumors

I hadn't heard about it but I guess when you are desperate, desperate measures are called for. Amazon offered 5% off on items bought from them if they would price the item at three different brick-and-mortar stores and send them the information, or $15 off if they walk out of a bookstore and buy from them.  If this RUDE and UNDERHANDED practice continues, the brick-and-mortar store will only be "showrooms" until they fold.  Competition will cease to exist and everyone will ONLY be able to buy from Amazon.  I can't say that online pricing and no sales tax has never caught my attention and my purchase, but at least half of the buying has to be from brick-and-mortar stores, or our society as we know it AND our towns will cease to exist.  We will have nothing but fast-food places, gas stations, bars, and convenience stores.  Everything else will be purchased by "smart" phone over the internet.

Here is a poem written by a bookstore owner:

How Amazon Stole Christmas

Adapted from by Mike Olson, co-owner of Reading Frenzy BookShop, Zimmerman, MN

Every Who down in Who-ville liked Christmas a lot …
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Who-ville, did NOT!
The Grinch HATED Christmas! The whole Christmas season
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason

It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been he was not ever read to at all.

But whatever the reason, his childhood or shoes
He stood there on Christmas Eve HATING the Whos,
Staring down from his warehouse with sour Grinchy chops
At the warm lighted windows below in their shops

For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was busy now hanging a mistletoe wreath (which, incidentally, had been purchased at their local garden center).
“And they’re hanging up stockings they didn’t buy from ME!”
“Christmas is coming! They MUST buy from ME!”

Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”

For tomorrow he knew all the Who girls and boys
Would wake bright and early and they’d rush for their toys
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! Unless they clicked “Buy now” to purchase their toys

Then the Whos young and old would sit down to a feast
And they’d feast! And they’d feast! And they’d Feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!
They would feast on who-pudding and rare who-roast-cow
Which was something the Grinch hadn’t considered selling until now!

And then they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
would stand close together with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d stand hand in hand. And the Who’s would start singing!

They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Who-Christmas-Sing,
the more the Grinch thought, “I must stop this whole thing!

Why for 17 years I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop their Christmas from coming! … But How?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!

“I know just what to do!” the Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick tax-exempt online retail monopoly with books-as-a-loss-leader and electronics and coats.
And he chuckled and clucked, “What a great Grinchy trick!
With these coats and these books, I look just like Saint Nick!”

“All I need is a storefront …” The Grinch looked around.
But since storefronts weren’t his, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch … ? No! The Grinch simply said,
“If I don’t have a storefront, I’ll use theirs instead!”

So he made an app, Price Check. Then he took some red thread
And he tied two big horns to the top of his head.

Then he marketed Price Check as the way you should buy
“It’s cheaper and easier and convenient!” The lie.
“Why pay overhead costs and state taxes to them?
I have none. Buy from me. It’s the smart way to spend.”

And with Price Check in hand, the Grinch started down.
Towards the homes where the Whos lay a-snooze in their town.
The shop windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweat dreams without care.
When he came to the first little shop on the square.

“This is stop number one,” The old Grinchy Claus hissed
And he peered through the window, his app in his fist.
Then he squeezed through the keyhole, a rather tight pinch.
But if the devil could do it, then so can the Grinch!

“A bookstore,” he chuckled. “This’ll be a quick night
They won’t see it coming. Why would they? I’m right!”
He looked at “our favorites” and even “staff picks”
Why these do sound like good ones! I’ll add those to my “Wish list”!

Then he slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant
And he placed his app, Price Check, beside every present
Mysteries! Fiction! Romances! Manga!
Even puzzles and games like Story Cubes and Jenga.

When the Grinch was all finished undermining the store
The Grinch very nimbly crept back to the door.
By the time he was done, he had quite a long list
Of the things he would add to that warehouse of HIS

The bookstore was quiet again, just like before
But now his app, Price Check, was inside their door.
When he dropped to the sidewalk from the keyhole above
He heard a small sound, like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast and he saw a small Who.
The keeper of the bookstore he had just slithered through.
The Grinch had been caught by this Who bookstore owner
Who’d come back to town. He had sales to go over.

He stared at the Grinch and said, “Amazon, why? Why are you taking my business? Why?”
But you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!

“Why my sweet little man,” The fake Santy Claus lied
“I’m not harming, I’m helping! Driving customers inside!”
“They’ll come to your store to do some good dealing.
If they buy from me, why, that isn’t stealing.”

And his fib fooled the man. Then he patted his head.
He got his sales numbers and went back to bed.
And when that little merchant went to bed with his numbers.
The Grinch gave a wink, said “Goodbye!” and “Good Slumber!”

And the last things he took were the signs from the door.
“This store’s now my showroom,” said the Grinch. “I want more!”
Then he did the same thing to the other Who-storefronts
Turning their shops into fully staffed Amazon-storefronts.

It was quarter past dawn… all the Whos at their houses.
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When he filled his warehouses

He stocked with their presents! Their ribbons! Their wrappings!
Their tags! And their tinsel! Their trimmings! And their trappings!
He went home to his mansion outside of Seattle
With the products and prices to start this new battle.

“Pooh-pooh to the whos!” he was Grinchishly humming.
They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
They’re just waking up. I know just what they’ll do.
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.
Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!”

“That’s a noise,” grinned the Grinch
“That I simply must hear!”
So he paused. And the Grinch put a Hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow …

But this sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it was merry! VERY!

He stared down at Who-ville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
was SHOPPING! Without any Price Check at all!

He hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming. It came.
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling, “How could it be so?”

“It came without Price Check’s new orders galore.”
“It came without any more sales from their store.”
He puzzled three hours till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe shopping,” he thought, “does come from a store.”
Maybe storefronts … perhaps … mean a little bit more!”

And what happened then … ?
Well, in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day.

And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight.
He disabled Price Check and stopped the whole fight.
He gave back the neighborhoods, friendships and commerce.
And he … he HIMSELF! The Grinch Read No Monster Here!, by Colleen Thomas, illustrated by Alyssa Thomas, to a group of pre-schoolers at a real live author signing at Reading Frenzy BookShop in Zimmerman, Minnesota. 

How awful to see your livelihood erode in front of your and you are POWERLESS against the Amazon invasion machine!

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. (tell that to the ex-IMF Managing Director!)

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

"We spend so much money on the military, yet we're slashing
education budgets throughout the country. No wonder we've got
smart bombs and stupid children.
- Jon Stewart