We drove to Los Olivos today to look around and have a picnic. We were shocked at how many wine tasting rooms there were and how few art galleries have survived. Meanwhile, the little town is overflowing with tourists. I think it is because of the "one-stop" nature of wine tasting, rather than finding and driving from one to another. I have to admit, though, that they had plenty of free parking and porta-poddies spread all over town.
We were going to visit Zaca Lake today. Since I knew it has been recently sold (it is the only natural lake in the county, AND it is on private land). I looked at their website and discovered that not only did you need a reservation, but it is a religious retreat now. There was no mention of "day" use on the website, so I called. Sure enough, the public has no access any longer . When I looked at the website I discovered that "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" was filmed there!
From a Woman's Perspective:
Men are like ...Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw, they lose interest.
Men are like ... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you awake all night.
Men are like ... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like ... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots.
All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
God created the mule, and told him, 'You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.'
The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, 'You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey you shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then,in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren."
Finally a Barbie you can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry slippers.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-erasing cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini-van in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
What would happen if my dog's name was MYPENIS ?
• Mypenis ate my homework.
• Sorry I'm late, I was playing with Mypenis.
• I'm sorry, officer, I didn't know I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
• I love giving Mypenis a bath.
• At night, I sleep with my penis in my hands.
• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
• Mypenis needs more exercise, he weighs over 50 pounds.
• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
• Keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
• Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
• I think Mypenis is getting old because he wont get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
• Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
• Help! I can't find Mypenis!
• Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
• Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer, but I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
• On no, I think something bit Mypenis.
• Be careful and don't step on Mypenis.
• When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
• Stop kicking Mypenis.
• When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
• Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
• People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but i think he looks better standing at attention.
• There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
• I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
• Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner.
Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of.
After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is loosing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill.
He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he
chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.
Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his
grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it.
Tommy grabs the other ten.
Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty.
Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty.
Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's quite surprised but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.
A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor
decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference
between a ten dollar bill and a twenty.
"Of course," answers Tommy.
"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad.
Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen the
first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?"
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