I've been watching the upcoming TV season's trailers as they appear on various channels. There sure seems to be a bunch of unimaginative replays coming on such as Hawaii Five-O and the Event (i.e. Lost). What happened to imagination. First they force feed us reality shows and now we get to experience replays. We were actually enjoying the summer season and are sorry to see those shows take a break until next summer.
I won't miss Wipeout or America's Got Talent. American Idol may be totally messed up now that the judges have been replaced. Dancing with the Stars has gust stars that will not win, or even be competitive (i.e I won't watch Hoff dance). Larry King Live is turning into Piers Morgan Live (give me a break). I recently acquired digital cable and have like five hundred channels. I wish I had something to watch....
London Underground Driver Announcements.
Those of you who suffer the underground (subway) will find this a
laugh, it's a list of actual announcements that Tube train
drivers have made to their passengers.
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow
from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as
soon as I'm given any."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want
to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentlemen...unfortunately towels are not
provided'.
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are
smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest
of the carriage".
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure
somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably
won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck
here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it
and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green
bottles, hanging on a wall...."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about
things like that"
"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy
things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".
"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but
is infact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was
under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but
'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the
driver..."
'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck
in the door' 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!'
He gave up...
'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care,
I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.
"to the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
you understand."
Job market
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Providence, RI, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Cleveland, Ohio."
"Good grief; is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."
MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF...?
Amnesia What did you just ask me?
Apathy I don't care.
Bigotry I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Damnation Go to hell!
Dyslexia Beeing Sackwards
Egotistical I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive Go do your homework.
Flatulent That question really stinks!
Hostility If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!
Ignorance I don't know.
Indifference It doesn't matter.
Influenza You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insomnia I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Irreverent I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Narcissism Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Over-Protective I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Paranoid You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?
Procrastination I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive I already told you the answer once before.
Self-Centered Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Suspicious Why are you asking me all these questions?
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