Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
There was a mine in a small town that had completely collapsed.
One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went
into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one
lonely soul at the other end of the bar.
"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour
another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a Chinaman
and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I
wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I
was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were
escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get
him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his
head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the Chinaman his beer and then
came back to talk to the Engineer:
"I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help
noticing all the bruising under his chin. What's that all about?"
The engineer responded:
"Oh... that's where we put the jack."
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she
would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first
place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to
just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left
breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.....
It's time for tolerance!
I am appalled at all my friends who are so opposed to the Mosque near Ground Zero. To show our tolerance, we should let them build it. Then right across the street, someone should put in a topless bar, called “You Mecca Me Hot”! Next to that should be a gay bar, “The Turban Cowboy”! And then next door to the Mosque there should be a Pork & Ribs Restaurant, maybe called “Iraq o’ Ribs”? Then the Muslims could be allowed to show their tolerance. Problem solved.
Did you hit him with that golf club?
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.”
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know, five, six, Maybe seven times . Just put me down for a five.”
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