BULBouts Were Us

Another hot one today.  We are probably going to lay low as much as possible....Just a few trip related tasks to accomplish. 

We still haven't booked any tours for our trip.  There are too many to decide from.  Interestingly enough, the more expensive ones don't look any better than the more frugal ones.  That also adds to the problems with deciding.

I have a lot of anxiety because I really want to go on vacation, but there is currently so much happening in my life on a day-to-day schedule, I'm afraid of missing out on something.  I have to learn to delegate to those that remain....


I see that the City is backing down on SPENDing more money on BULBouts, for the time being.  For some reason, they think that they are MORE dangerous on some corners than others.  This really doesn't make sense.  Their safety/danger can easily be measured as a percentage of the traffic past that corner. So consequently, the advantage (if any) disappears when the traffic is density is at a certain HIGH level.  With that in mind, why SPEND extra money on areas where the traffic is not a big issue.  The gain is not worthy of the expenditure.  Oh yes, that sounds almost logical.

Signs and Slogans:
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry? Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least
bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two
years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and
starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns
back to the salesman,

"Do you know which week two years from now the new car will
arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be
two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and
starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back
again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from
now the car will arrive?"

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says
that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up
to the salesman,

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be
two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the
afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet
another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon,
two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the
morning."

A Cat Owner's Story

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, because I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she harkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).

"Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, not without consequence, but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.