You think the Russian spies will be punished for their failures when they return home ? I feel sorry for their kids. First, to find out that your parents are spies, and then to find out that you have to go live in Russia, learn Russian and go to Russian schools...(oh shit).
Guess that poor woman in Iran is going to get stoned to death for adultery. Apparently, nothing is done to the guy, even if he's married. Nice place!
What does a Redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
No matter what, somebody's losing trailer
I know everyone . . .
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.' Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?'
'No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.
'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.
'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .' And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'
Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
'The Pope,' his boss replies.
'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.'
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican .
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'
His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?
The Blonde Painter
A blonde is hired by the highway department to perform basic labor. On her first day the foreman tells her that her job is to paint the lines that divide the lanes of a highway. On her first day, the blonde paints four miles of lines! The foreman thinks this is fantastic!
On her second day the blonde only manages to paint 3 miles of dividing lines. The foreman thinks this is not as good as her first day, but still very acceptable.
On her third day, the blonde only manages to paint a mile and a half. The foreman is becoming concerned.
On her fourth day the blonde only completes a meager half mile. So the foreman calls her into his office and talks about his concerns.
He says “On your first day you knocked out four miles without a problem but after 4 days you on managed a half mile! What seems to be the problem?”
The blonde looks at him and says “Well, on the first day the bucket of paint wasn’t so far away”.
The Little Old Lady
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? ' 80% held up their hands. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
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