What would they do without us ?

So I get a call at work from my son today; "I'm trying to make a sandwich and I can't find the mayonnaise. I'm looking in the fridge, but it's not there.".  Is that a good reason to call me at work ?  All that I told him was to look in the pantry, and of course, it was there.  Why are our kids so dependent on us ?  What will they do when they can't reach instantly ?


Yesterday, Ev borrowed my truck for an errand.  I gave him my keys.  He started the truck and went away. Twenty minutes later he was calling me and his mother frantically because he couldn't get the truck started again.  The key wouldn't turn.  I have two Honda keys on my key chain.  One has a cable tie on it to signify that it is the key for Terre's car.  My truck key has none.  One WOULD think, of course, that if you use one key to open the door, why would you use the other in the ignition ?  Well, after another twenty minutes of not being able to reach me, he tried the other key and all was well.  What will he do when we are not around ?

Yay LAKERS, GO GO GO!

The Best of George Carlin's One-Liners:

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

2. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
3. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
4. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
5. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
6. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
7. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
8. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
9. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
10. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
11. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
12. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
13. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
15. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
16. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
17. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
18. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
19. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
20. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
21. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
22. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
23. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
24. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
25. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
26. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
27. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
28. What year did Jesus think it was?
29. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
30. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
31. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
32. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
33. People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
34. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
37. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
38. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
39. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
40. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
41. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lof worth paying attention to.
42. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
43. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
44. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
45. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
46. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
47. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
48. Life is a zero sum game.
49. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
50. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

AIR FORCE Wisdom

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal-
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - US.Air Force Manual -
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur -
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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.-
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'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual-
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' -Infantry Journal -
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The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. -Basic Flight Training Manual-
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once.' - Maritime Ops Manual -
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do..' - Unknown Marine Recruit-
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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' -USAF Ammo Troop-
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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' -Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' -Unknown Author-
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot-
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual-
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'Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club.' -Unknown Author-

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'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot.' -Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot-
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' -Sign over Control Tower Door-
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'Never trade luck for skill.' -Author Unknown-
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!' or (appended from the Arkansas Air National Guard):"Hold my beer and watch this!" -Authors Unknown-
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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!' - Unknown Author -
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.' - Emergency Checklist-
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' -Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.' - Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk-
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
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Remember: there are more airplanes in the sea, than submarines in the air.