Weekend at last....

Boy I just couldn't wait for Friday to get here, and tonight is poker night.  Poker is like fishing: it is great to win (catch something), but that isn't the main goal! 

You heard it first here:  The real progress on plugging and cleaning up the Gulf oil spill will be when first it reaches the East Coast, and second when it reaches the British Isles.....


Read a very interesting article in the Independent today.  Here is the link The Marie.

Saw a Billboard that said:

"Need Help, Call Jesus"
1-800-005-3787
 
...so out of curiosity I did

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck. 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach piped up, "That's nothing...
You should see the back of mine!"

Spitting in the Shoes
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One
sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just
before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the
aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled
his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat
said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke." (Shuttle flights do
not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.) "No
problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone
the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.
The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That
looks good. Think I'll have one too." Again, the Jew obligingly
goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the
other shoe and spits in it.
The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy
the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How
long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples ...this hatred...your spitting in my shoes and me
pissing in your Coke?"

The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items

16. The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead
15. The Whoopsie Brothers' "WidowMaker" Nonlocking Stepladder
14. Black and Decker Nipple Sanders
13. Lee Press-On Nails
12. Approximo Knives
11. The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision Attachment
10. "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!"
9. The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant" and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately)
8. Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video
7. Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver
6. Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon
5. Nine Inch Tacks
4. Monkey Wenches
3. "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!"
2. Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure
1. The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit

Cowboy Wisdom

• If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shutup.