Flip FLop Day

That story about the alleged Russian spies that were arrested is pretty amazing.  Makes you kind of wonder who around you, or people that you know, that might be spies or assassins!  Seems to me, considering how many Asians we have in this country, that China would not have any problem having an embedded spy ring, that is, if they really want to know any of OUR secrets.

FLASH: Even with all the studies, we haven't been able to prove any linkage of cell phone radiation to human maladies.  Now there are scientists that believe cell phone radiation may explain the decline of the bees (see Bees vs Cell Phones).  I guess we should expect that adding all that extra radio frequency radiation to the world would have some effect somewhere.

Ever considered living in a car-free community ?  A town in Morocco does not allow cars.  Hear is a funny piece on how to buy a donkey there (Fez Medina Used Donkey Lot).  Do you get to kick the legs ? Probably not, but you'd better look in his mouth before buying!

ANOTHER FLASH: Dr. Demento is leaving radio after more than 40 years.  Read all about it..DEMENTO

So I find myself with a block of free time while I'm waiting for testing to complete.  I just read that Clinton is suggesting that we blow up the BP well and dump large quantities of rocks and sand over the hole.  I think I suggested that on the first week, but what do you do if it still leaks ?  If your well head is a mile down, that means that there is a mile of water above it.  I don't know what that weighs, but the pressure at the bottom is horrendous.  The oil in this well is 40% methane (rather than the normal 2%).  That gas pressure behind the oil is way high to be spewing at the amount that ti is.  It has to overcome the pressure to even emerge.  It is howling out that hole, which means there is way more pressure behind the oil than the pressure of a mile of water on top of it.  Plugging it is not a menial task, as was drilling it in the first place.

So I had a meeting at 9:30 and we discussed our direction for an hour and a half.  I left for lunch at 11:30 and when I returned an hour later, there was a n email telling me that all has changed.  Now at 4:00, it appears as though the powers that be are in the process of changing their mind again!  So is life....today.

Good friends

Bob and Dave are walking along downtown when a mugger assaults them with a gun and announces, "This is a stick-up.  Get into that alley and then give me all your money."
As they're walking down the alley Bob fishes out his wallet and removes a few of the bills.  He hands them to Dave and whispers, "Here you go, man."
Dave takes the money and looks at Bob with a puzzled expression, so Bob explains, "Don't you remember?  That's the hundred bucks I owed you."

A new restaurant in town, Mom’s Home Cooking Experience, strives to recreate the dining experience you remember from your childhood. As soon as you step inside, a matronly, apron-clad hostess steps forward, asks you to wipe your feet and says “Why are you so late for dinner? You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached!” Then she seats you at a table—in the kitchen, where you speak loudly to be heard over the din of clanking utensils.
The menu: you get a choice of tonight’s selection—liver and onions—or leftovers from last night. In spite of a limited menu and unusual atmosphere, it is difficult to fault the food. It is, quite frankly, delicious. And there’s plenty of it.
Be ready to eat a lot, since you’re not allowed to leave the table till you’ve cleaned your plate, including the broccoli, which you get with every order whether you like it or not.
So, you’ve finished your hefty meal. You yawn, stretch a bit, and get up to leave, but before you can reach the door, you’re handed a dishrag. No one leaves till the dishes are done. You wash while the others in your party dry or put the dishes away.
The bill arrives. Your choices: MasterCard, Visa, or you can mow the lawn.

Butterface

You know it's one thing to predict the market, but it sure would be interesting to at least understand what effect each event might have.  There are swings that don't make any sense at all.

Now maybe they make sense if you base it on this chart.

TERM FLASH: My daughter was referring to one of her friend's sister as a "butterface".   I said "What does that mean?". And shes said, "She is hot looking everywhere "but her face"!

Wasn't it nice to attempt to forget about the oil spill and the economy while we were still in the running for the World Cup and the Lakers were still playing the Celtics and McChrystal was still in charge in Afghanistan ? BP really enjoyed the shared attention!  Now we have nothing to look forward to except more bad news installments...

The World’s Most Hilarious Facts And Laws
Fact One: There was a 19th century Native American tribal chief who went under the name, "Not Able to Fornicate."
Fact Two: A long time ago in Japan, a wife being left handed was grounds for divorce.
Fact Three: There is a law in the state of Idaho that does not permit one citizen to give another citizen a box of candy that is heavier than 50 pounds - now where exactly can you find a box of candy that large?
Fact Four: There was once a fish caught in Delaware Bay with a watch still ticking inside.
Fact Five: In Alabama, it is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
Fact Six: In Canada, the color of a house and garage doors is regulated by city bylaws – and don’t even think about having a purple door, or you'll be slapped with a fine!
Fact Seven: From 1976 to 1987, there were no red-colored M&Ms.
Fact Eight: Unlike other four-legged animals, it is impossible for the kangaroo to walk backwards.
Fact Nine: Did you know that Wheel of Fortune beauty Vanna White holds a world record? She's put her hands together approximately 140,000 to clap!
Fact Ten: When Coca-Cola first started to be sold in China, the company used characters that would sound just like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". Not surprisingly, Coca-Cola did not sell well.
Fact Eleven: Teenage boys were often hired as telephone operators when telephone companies first began. However, this trend soon ended when these boys spent more time wrestling and pulling prank calls than actually working.
Fact Twelve: William Taft, the President of the United States from 1909 to 1913, was so large that he once got stuck in a White House bath tub.
Fact Thirteen: In the United Kingdom, no cows may be driven down a roadway between 10 am and 7 pm unless granted permission from the Commissioner of Police.
Fact Fourteen: How’s this for a catch-22? In Sweden, prostitution is legal; however, it is illegal to use the services of a prostitute.
Fact Fifteen: There were 43,687 toilet related accidents in the United States in 1996.

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through John Isner's Mind During The 11-Hour Tennis Match

10."I'm exhausted"

9."We've been playing so long, I've forgotten -- am I Isner or Mahut?"

8."Remember when I said I'm exhausted? That was 8 hours ago!"

7."Wonder if I'll be sore tomorrow"

6."I'm gonna lay back until 51-50, then make my move"

5."I'm asleep"

4."Why couldn't I have played Federer? It would have been over in 15 minutes"

3."Cramp!"

2."Honestly, I don't care if I win or lose -- I just don't want to die"

1."Larry King has had marriages that didn't last this long"

"The BP president said that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.''' —Jimmy Fallon, on BP's oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico
 

June Gloom Continues...

I plugged away today doing what I supposed to do, but I still didn't have my heart in it. I had a long discussion with my manager about what I really wanted to to work on and that this particular task was extremely thankless. She said that I wasn't the first to tell her that. So I guess we'll see where or on what I end up.

I see that McChrystal was not about to take a desk job and have to face his military buddies after he fried his own goose, so he retired. Perhaps he is way overdue!

Sure was nice that we had summer weather on Saturday for the showing of the Vette and the Summer Solstice Parade.  It has been overcast, cloudy, foggy and wet most of the rest of the time.  Probably okay for June, but things don't expect to change for the early part of July! Bummer!

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did 
some training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and 
came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, 
asked a question which his son translated.
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip 
to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could 
send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, 
the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son 
to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where 
the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to 
translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government 
translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch 
out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

Application for Arkansas Drivers License

Last name: __________________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Jean

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress [_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _______________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _______________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ________________________
Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother
[_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet


Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where you keep them firearms:
[_] truck [_] kitchen [_] bedroom [_] bathroom [_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: ____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:___________________________

Newspapers/magazines you read:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO 

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A [_] Teeth?

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know [_]paved road ?  

You know you're a redneck jedi when..
You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light sabre to open a bottle of Bud light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer coloured.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defence electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."  

Clarence

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN".

Baby sitting lessons

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!" The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

You gotta love Frank!

Jane, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
only bar one after noon..

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Jane's house ... walked home . . .and left it there all night.  

And it will begin again soon...

Lots of stuff around the house to accomplish today AND grocery shopping.  It's no wonder I need a vacation.

We had planned to go to a matinee today, but it never happened- couldn't get moving. 

A father and son went fishing one day.

After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't really know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't really know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't really know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind me asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son. How else are you ever going to learn anything?" replied his father. 

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Native American Twinkie Test

American Indians dislike 'New Age Crystal Waving Twinkie Twinkies' who shamelessly appropriate, distort, misuse and disrespect our culture.

Accordingly, if you want to get along with Indians, it is wise to avoid being a twinkie.

The following test will help you determine if you're a twinkie.

1. you don't know what a 'twinkie' is.

2..you think 'twinkie' is a name brand of golden sponge cake.

3..you're a shaman, and all your friends are shamans too.

4..your Indian Spirit Guide only speaks English.

5..you have a plastic Indian headdress hanging from your rear view mirror.

6..you don't drive a 'rez rocket'.

7..you think apples are for eating.

8..you gave all your dogs authentic Native American names.

9...your great grandmother was a Cherokee princess.

10..your great grandfather was a Cherokee princess, too.

11..you own collector plates featuring men with rippling muscles, feathers, and prostrate maidens.

12..you've never been to a 49.

13..you've never woken up with a houseful strangers fixing themselves breakfast, eating your bacon, and calling you 'cousin'.

14..you bought the collectible Barbie (tm) 'with authentic Native costume'.

15..you named your dog, cat, or hamster for a famous Native American.

16..you think Dances with Wolves is a great movie.

17..you don't know who Leonard Peltier is.

18..you want to know where to apply to get your Indian name.

19..you desperately want to date a Native American person.

20..you've been studying Native American spirituality for three months and are now ready to lead a sweat.

21..you send greeting cards with images of Noble Red Men on them.

22..you have 'Native American scent' air freshener in your car.

23..you have never stood next to a dancer after five hours of powwow in the hot sun and therefore think 'Native American scent' is something you >want to have in your car.

24..you don't know what a CDIB card is, and wouldn't qualify for one even if you did

25..you wonder why that abalone shell has holes in the bottom.

26..you want to get a cool Native American tattoo.

27..you had your brother-in-law airbrush a big eagle on the tailgate of your pickup truck and you're not a Harley fan.

28..you refer to a drum as a 'tom tom'.

29..you think 'heya heyaya' is the Indian word for 'God', because it's in all the songs.

30..you bought the soundtrack to Disney's Pocahontas and sing along.

31..your mother gave you a t shirt with a picture of a scantily clad woman petting a wolf for your birthday.

32..you mistook an Italian man for a Sioux chief.

33....you signed a petition protesting the slaughter of buffalo while dropping your trash on the ground.

34..you had a dream in which you discovered your 'true name' is 'Spirit of the Red Wolf Who Runs with Crystals'.

35..you're only interested in the 'good parts' of Native spirituality.

36..your bumper sticker has a quote from Chief Seattle instead of AIM.

37..you bought 'genuine Indian moccasins' made in a factory in Minnesota.

38..when you meet a real Indian, you hold your hand out like a stop sign and say, "How!"

39..you made a construction paper headdress and put on a play at school and you're more than twelve years old

40..you can remember that Indian guy who cried in the ecology commercial, but you don't know his name.

41..when you meet a man with a mohawk, you assume he must be a punk rocker.

42..you have a mohawk--and you're female.

43..you have no idea if the headband you're wearing is intended for men or women.

44..you didn't notice your 'Indian jewelry' was stamped 'made in Thailand'.

45..you own many Indian art objects, but you have never been to a powwow.

46..you think militant Indians are a disgrace to the red race, but you just adore Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse.

47..you interrupt an elder to tell them they're wrong because a book you read said so.

48..you're a man, but you don't have footprints on your back from your woman walking all over you.

49..you were an Indian princess in a former life.

50..you were a medicine man in a former life.

51..you want people to call you 'Chief', even though you are not the leader of a fire department, police department, or a tribe.

52..you made up your own tribe.

53..you are the great, great, great, great, grandson of Tecumseh, putting the number of his offspring at 24,473--more than the entire population of the Shawnee tribe today.

54..you didn't know that Tecumseh was Shawnee.55..you're the grandson of Tecumseh--you can remember sitting on his knee.

56..you built a sweat lodge from instructions you found on the Web.

57..you chose to leave the city and live on a mountain in a cabin with no running water.

58..you get annoyed if people are late.

59..your fur coats are all store bought.

60..you have no idea why Native people laugh hysterically when they see you on the street

61..you call a shinny stick a 'LaCrosse stick'.

62..you admire Chief Joseph for what he said, but you're not sure what he did.

63..you call the Sioux people 'Lakota'--even the Dakota and Nakota.

64..you think all Native Americans spend their days communing with Mother Nature.

65..you willingly pay $300 for an authentic sweat with a plastic shaman.

66..you believe that 'freedom of expression' gives you the right to poke your nose into matters that don't concern you.

67..you ask a question, then argue with the answer.

68..last year you were into Buddhism, the year before that you were a witch, and the year before that you were a member of Green Peace.

69..you had a sudden impulse to drive non-stop across America to the Black Hills--and you don't even know anyone out there.

70..you think the Black Hills are the only sacred site in America.

71..you wear plastic chokers to honor Native Americans.

72..you love Native American jewelry, but make it more attractive by adding your own personal touch.

73..you've never used an outhouse.

74..you've never eaten 'slow elk'--you're sure you'd remember if you had!

75..when served 'Indian steak,' you complain, "Hey, this is bologna!"

76..road kill makes you go, 'Ew!' instead of, 'Hey, new regalia!'

77..you don't know how many drummers it takes to screw in a light bulb.

78..you ask complete strangers for advice on naming your kids.79..you got interested in Native culture by watching 'Star Trek'.

80..you use words like 'squaw,' 'buck,' 'berdache,' and 'shaman,' and wonder why people are mad at you.

81..you bought a medicine bag, but you don't know what's in it.

82..you think a powwow sounds like a great place to work on your tan, so >you wore your swimsuit.

83..you're proud of the fact that you can name all five Indian tribes.

84..your car is not made out of equal parts Bondo and duct tape.

85..you selected wallpaper with Indians, horses, and tipis for your son's bedroom.

86..you've never eaten commodity cheese.

87...you've never used commodity cheese as a doorstop.

88..you hang Indian corn on your front door instead of eating it.

89..your mother gave you an Indian name, but it never occurred to you to ask her what it meant until it was too late.

90..you get defensive and evasive if anybody questions your Native credentials.

91..you've never heard of fry bread.

92..you won't eat fry bread because it has too much fat in it.

93..you think it's an honor to Native Americans that Jeep named a sport utility vehicle after them.

94..none of your relatives has diabetes.

95..you are one third Native American.

96..you want to know what tribe you're related to, but have no intention of actually doing the genealogy to figure it out.

97..you ask the Internet to tell you who you're related to instead of asking your relatives.

98..you think you should get in free to a powwow because you have Indian blood.

99..you're proud of being a twinkie.

100..you wear the purple suede fringed miniskirt with knee high moccasins to a pow wow and wonder why no one likes it.

101..you walk up to strange Indian women and ask them to bless your beads.

102..you have a dream catcher hanging from your rear view mirror.

103..you have a Nativity scene featuring a tipi and Indians in regalia.

104..you think Native Americans should put up with your crap because after all "we're all related."

105..you offered me a 'talking feather'.

106..you write in a stilted, poetic, formal English that sounds like a Victorian author putting words into the mouth of a Noble Savage character in a dime novel.

107..you feel sorry for the poor Native Americans who are so benighted they can't understand that you're right.

108..when entering an argument with a Native American, you attack their method of expression, instead of the points they have to make.

109..you exhort us to unite and work together and get along with each other--as if nobody had ever thought of this (obvious) idea before.

110..you have never mended your underwear, hemmed a dress, repaired a car, or made art objects out of duct tape.

111..you have to go and find some scissors to open your package with.

112..you joined the Nuage tribe.

113..you just adore Mary Summer Rain.

114..you tell everyone how proud and humble and honored you are to carry a pipe.

115...you have to have the last word every single time.

116..it embarrasses you to be seen in the company of real Indians, so you'd rather hang out with twinkies like yourself.

117..when you see a person in traditional Native American dress, you pat your mouth and make 'woo woo' noises.

118..somebody asks a question about Native American culture, and you make up your own answer.

119..you think Indians have no sense of humor.

120 .you can't see that you are funny. •

121.you think this list isn't funny.

122.This page is close captioned for the humor-impaired.

123..if your idea of a tribal dance is a ballet.

124.if you don't know what a "rez rocket" is

125..if you don't have at least something wrong with your car

126.if you say, "You don't look like an Indian" to an Indian (or if you think all Indians look like Geromino)

127..you don't have at least 4 feet of balin' wire in the trunk of your car.

128.you butcher a sheep while trying to sheer it during your last visit with your "Navajo" grandma.

129..you think that the hair on your back qualifies you to be a skinwalker.

130.the framed picture of your great-great-great-granddaddy is really of a "chief" that you tore out of your high school history book.credit

Have you figured out what a TWINKIE is yet? 

May the moon keep you centered,

May the sun keep you dancing,

And the stars shed light on your dreams.

Solstice...

So last night, since we were too tired to go out, stayed in and watched "The Green Zone".  It was very well done.  I'm surprised that it didn't get more recognition.

So Terre and Tori are down at the parade and I'm waiting for my perspective Vette buyer.

Well, he came about an hour earlier than he said he would.  He checked the car from one end to the other, drove it AND appeared very interested.  Rather than reacting to emotions (as he said), he went away to think about it.

I feel as though I really need a vacation, even if somewhere close.  Honestly, I'd settle for a good book and two palm trees close enough for a hammock.


Accord to Terre, who has now returned, this year's parade was "lackluster".

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up on an
escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her
skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out. She
turned around and punched me in the eye!"

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did
you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I
pushed it back in."

Freya was driving her Chevrolet Vega home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift?
With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.
The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.
'What's in the bag?' asked the old woman.
'It's a bottle of gin that I got for my husband.'
The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving all over the road, ask him to get out of the car and take the breathalyser test. Just as he is about to blow into the bag, the police radio informs the policemen of a robbery taking place in a house a short distance away.
The police tell the partygoer to remain where he is, they will be right back; and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has 'flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with 'flu and has been there all day. However, the police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car, and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

The Blackfeet asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man replied, "its going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find
every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Blackfeet are collecting wood like crazy!"

Nonfocusable Friday....

Watched "Taking Woodstock" last evening.  It was a very well done retrospect on how the whole Woodstock  event came to be.  It might even be based on reality.  For what ever it is worth, it did allow revisiting a part of my past and the culture that we all experienced even if we weren't there.  In many ways, it was very funny as well.

Tomorrow is the Summer Solstice Parade downtown.  They usually have all the floats end up at a park for further viewing.  Also there are bands playing and vendor booths, et cetera.  This year the park is open today as well as tomorrow.  I suspect that the city permits for two-days are more expensive than one, so the city probably decided that it wouldn't cost them any more to require that every vendor... buy the two day permit.  At any rate, we are going down there after work today, hoping to see something without dealing with the crowds.  I'm sure it will be interesting.

Well when I got home, Terre said she was really tired, and I admitted that I had trouble focusing all day because I was tired.  I was just going because she wanted to.  So, essentially, we are not going.  She is going to the parade tomorrow, and then to the park afterward.


Confusing isn't it.  Tori and Aidan are cooking us dinner tonight (wow!) instead. So the level of interest is still there.

Not the way I remember them:

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
but she didn't wear that one very often.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot her pill
and now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

 

Always give 100% at work

12% on Mondays. 23% on Tuesdays. 40% on Wednesdays. 20% on Thursdays. 5% on Fridays. And remember...

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off. Remember it takes 42 to muscles to frown but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your middle finger and flip them off. Now get back to work.

BP announced today that they will no longer hire Cajuns to assist in clean-up efforts. Thibodeaux, Boudreaux, and Fontenot were told to clean as many brown pelicans as they could. So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

This one wasn't much better...

Seven hours of software deployment on thirty test stations is enough to make you pull your hair out.  Three of us rotate though the stations, first uninstalling old software and then installing new and then checking the the other person did it all correctly.  This, of course, is done with a static safe lab coat and safety glasses.  That makes me "six eyes", and most probably what gives me a headache.

Well I have to admit, the whole McChrystal affair was definitely handled correctly.  One cannot sass your leader, even if he hadn't served in the military.  What I don't understand is why anyone allows embedded reporters or why a magazine is allowed to publish an interview without the interviewee's approval first.  This episode should be a learning experience for anyone else in the military or politics.  For sure, you don't say anything or email anything that you wouldn't want published worldwide. 

"The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered: "Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them"... Here's some more new drugs that may soon be on the market..

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music and WWF wrestling

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife thetime and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain, private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.,

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).,

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ........... and then there are educators

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

One of those days....

Ever have one of those days when no matter what you do, someone doesn't like it ? While I feel that I made necessary progress on many tasks, some people are never happy!

Funny, even though the Vette has been advertised for sale for over a month, and there has been lot's of interest, the first person to come and view it is coming next Saturday.  I hope that he is really interested and is not wasting my time. We shall see...

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at this point in their lives.

The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would be a good pee. I
just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year old said, "The best thing could happen to me would be a good bowel
movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on, and it's still a problem."

The 90 year old man said, "Heck, every morning at 6:00 a.m. sharp I have a good pee, and
at 6:30 a.m. sharp I have a good bowel movement. I suppose the best thing that could happen to me would be waking up before 7:00 a.m."

"Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and how stupid is this. You know, this state is so broke, they're just trying to make money any way they can. California lawmakers — this is real — are now considering a bill to allow electronic license plate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials. Who is this for? People who want something else to read while driving and texting?" –Jay Leno

A black guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said " You know I just hate drawin welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his Mercedes, he'll supply all of your cloths. Because the hours are long, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas trips and you have to satisfy all of her sexual urges. You'll be provided with a 2 bedroom apartment above the garage. Starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy wide-eyed, said,"Your bullshittin' me!"

The social worker replied,"You started it."

Gotchas-R- Us...

A strange day today.  We did some major reconguration at work and paid for it with gotchas all day.

Well I don't have much to say today.  There wasn't much that happened that was funny.  I did hear that the three millionth iPad has been sold and it has forced a price war with the competitors.  I've told you all that most people want more from their reader than just the capability to read books that they are forced to buy from Amazon, or any other single vendor.  They also want their reader to do more: web surf, email, et cetera.  I believe that the iPad does most of that, but still forces me to get my books from iBooks.  If a company REALLY wants the monopoly on my book source, they will have to give me the reader for free. 
This, historically, has not worked.  Remember Polaroid?  Not only were the cameras expensive, but so was the film.  To be successful in a linked marketplace like that, Polaroid should have given the cameras away, thereby creating a market for its film.  Printers should be free, as well.  Those companies make more than enough on the ink we are forced to buy at extravagant prices. 
I think the iPad is successful for a number of reasons: 1) some people will break down doors to get at the newest Apple product, no matter what it is.&  2) They already have the infrastructure to support it with music and books.  Just what will they do if they lose Mr. Jobs.  You see, he tells Apple to make what he wants the public to NEED.  They do.  All the other manufacturers make products that we might need, we might want, but ultimately we can live without.





   

$50 lesson - for free
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,  "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' ... Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal."  I told her,   "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where a homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds; then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' ......... Her parents still aren't speaking to me!

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie ....
"Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's three grams of  fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05?  I gotta use the little boys' room."

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!!  ...Okay, now a little to the left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me ... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

Two blondes were flying

to New York from San Francisco. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer.
But don't worry we have three engines left and can continue safely with that."

Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left."

An hour later the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left."

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, "Do you know what will happen if that last engine fails?"

"Yes!" said the other Blonde. "We'll be up here all day!"