Thank goodness it's Friday because I don't have enough energy for another day....
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
Why did the pigs cross the road with their laundry?
They wanted to do their hogwash.
Did you hear about the two kangaroos who crossed the road?
They jumped into each other's pouches and were never seen again. Why did the one-handed gorilla cross the road?
To get to the secondhand shop. Why did the frogs cross the road?
To get a croak-a-cola. Why did the rabbit cross the road?
To get to the hopping mall. Why did the wasp cross the road?
It needed to go to the waspital. How do you keep a dog from crossing the road?
You put him in a barking lot. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?
Dead. Why did the hen go halfway across the road and stop?
She wanted to lay it on the line. Why did the sheep cross the road?
He needed to go to the baa baa shop. Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side. Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
They go across the road to the retail shop. Why did the duck cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida. Why did the chicken cross the muddy road and not come back?
Because he didn't want to be a dirty double-crosser. Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off. Why did the chicken cross the road by the playground?
To get to the other slide. Why did the goose cross the road?
Because the light was green. Why did the elephant cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken. Why did the sick rabbits cross the road?
They needed to the hopital. What was the farmer dong on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens who crossed the road. Why do skunks argue when crossing the road?
Cause they like to raise a stink. Did you hear the story about the peacock who crossed the road?
It is really a colorful tail..... Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station. Why did the rooster cross the street?
To get to the other side. Why did the hen cross the street?
To see a man lay bricks. Why did the cow cross the road?
To get its fodder.
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