Gettin' Older
- I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
- When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
- I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
- It was all so different before everything changed.
- Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...
- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
Old Age Quiz
Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that curse of getting older - wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: No, seriously. How can I get rid of these crow's feet and all the wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It usually pulls them out.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.
Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.
Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.
Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.
Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.
Perks Of Being Over The Hill
- There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
- Things that you buy now won't wear out.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
- You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.
- You can sing along with elevator music.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
- Your eyes won't get too much worse.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "
- You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
- In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
- You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
You Know You're Getting Old When
A young teenager, listening to some music his mother was playing asked who the band was. "The Beatles," she told him."Oh. Who's in the group?"
When his mother told him, he said with surprise, "I didn't know Paul McCartney had a group before Wings!"
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