5 m.p.h. Bumpers....

Dropped off Terre's car this morning to get a new bumper.  It sure seems like we have taken a wrong turn somewhere in philosophy.  At one point, I believe that a car was supposed to sustain a 5 m.p.h. crash without any damage.  I was moving at about 1 m.p.h. backwards when I hit the brick planter, yet it will cost $1400 to replace the plastic "skin" on Terre's bumper (luckily I really only pay the insurance deductible).  The plastic is so soft and being painted, there is no way that you can escape from damage if a bird hits your bumper at 20 m.p.h.  This doesn't totally sound correct....

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

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The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

You Might Be A Redneck If:

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• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
• You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
• You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
• You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
• You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Learn how ta Speak Redneck 
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar
in my pickup truck."

FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
Usage: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,
your bahs is gonna far you!"

CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: "Pa dun had a hot attack." HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred."

SAAR: The opposite of sweet.
Usage: "These pickles Sure are saar."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

OVAIR: In that direction.
Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" "He's ovair, suh."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"

MUCHABLIGE: Thank you.
Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister."

IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.
Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - Seen, past tense.
VIEW - Have You?
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

PHRAISIN: Very cold.
Usage:"Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!