The plan this weekend was to get all the Vette's stuff together to photograph it to put an ad in Hemmings. I never got there. To much to do, and when we did most of it, we are now too tired to do anything else... such is my life.
I remember when my family was so proud that they bought me a hammock. I don't think I ever got to use it but once. The dog would always beat me to it. By then the poles were rusty and the hammock fabric had rotted away from sun damage. I hauled the poles to the dump. Whenever I suggest a pair of palm trees for the backyard in any house we've lived in, I get the usual "What for?". So essentially, we have never had two trees (which don't rust) in the correct proximity to use for a hammock. It probably wouldn't matter, as nobody would leave me alone long enough to take a nap or read a book- anyway.
I feel as though I am aging faster and faster. I won't get to enjoy my "golden" years as I'll still be busting my butt to keep everyone happy and the bills paid. My kids don't seem to notice. They don't have time for me anymore. Everett's friend have always been a higher priority than his family. Tori is just stretching her wings and is very busy, but still doesn't have time for me when she visits home. Brett is always nice, but now he has a demanding job and will be going back to school for an MBA.
Maybe this is what every family goes through and is a way to prepare the kids to be sufficient without their parents. It certainly gives me more impetus to leave California and live somewhere less expensive and more interesting.
Woe is me! I will have another birthday in two weeks. I guess that is only better than not-
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another
and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the
better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an
hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument
about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do
you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going
so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The
woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his
point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited
her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better - your ear or your finger?"
Ali G's version of the bible
Check it ! 'ear me now. Me 'ave found dis book called de Bible wot is 100
years old.
It was writted by dis bloke called Jason Christ and his dad. It
have no pictures and definitely no muff. Trust me, it is well
boring. It come in two halves, da Old Testicle and da New
Testicle, wot is happarently religious and people 'ave been
fighting for millions of years about which testicle is da best.
Anyway, about 2 billion years ago dis bloke called Moses went up
a mountain in Spain and dropped two tablets. Dey must have been
class A's coz he came down wiv some seriously mental ideaz. Dey
was called Da 10 Commandments, an dey iz 13 laws dat has been da
basis of society ever since. Even da dinosaurs 'ad to learn them
altho very few of dem hactually practisd dem an dat is why dey
died of de Aids an also why Jurassic Park appened. Ere is wot dey
say (not de dinosaurs hobviously coz dey spoke in Dog). Also I
has remixed dem for da new millenimum.
Da old Commandments:
I am the Lord, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt,
out of the house of bondage.
Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.
On the seventh day thou shalt not work.
Honour thy Father and thy Mother.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not bear false witness.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass.
Da New Commandments:
I iz da macdaddy, who iz taken u out of the county of Barkshire,
u iz all me hoes, an if u iz up 4 it, me is well into bondage.
Westside.
Do not dis Tupac.
Remeber every second Friday in every moth coz dat iz when me hold
de jungle all-nita at de Crooked Billet in Iver Heath - 5 squid
on da door, first 1000 ladies free.
Respec your Nan.
Thou shalt not do drive-bys.
Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless she iz well fit).
Thou shalt not deal.
Thou shalt not wear false titties.
Thou shalt not cover up thy batty (unless you iz a man or you iz a minger).
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . ..
but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies .......
"Go ahead."
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
A new Redneck law was just recently passed:
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?
'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . ... . up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, 'Gotny I.D. ? ' . .
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'
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