At last...

Looks like a nice day outside, but at least for the first half of it, I'm stuck at work.  

I see a bunch of ads from different cell carriers for fixed price packages to proves all unlimited calling minutes, unlimited texts and unlimited data access.  I began to think how much I could really use, and whether the price warranted a deal for me, or whether I would pay less if the contract was itemized.  Other than competition for cell customers, there has got to be a reason for all of these "unlimited" packages coming out recently.  While we need to upgrade our cell phones, the new contracts are making everything a bit more difficult to compare,

   I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam;

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections,
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions;

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown,
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down;

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt,
My  belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut;

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch;

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind,
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting;

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack;

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb,
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome;

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee;

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal;

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick;

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band;

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep;

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see,
Forget all about that old penis envy;

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!



       I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe,
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, cottage cheese;

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts,
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west;

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears;

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair;

And I don't go around checking my reflection,
In everything shiny window from every direction;

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly;

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring!

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back,
I don't carry our differences into the sack;

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you,
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you;

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too,
I know what the time is and I know what to do;

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two balls and stand when I pee;

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball,
It's more fun than dealing with women after all;

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work,
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk!

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure,
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure;

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see,
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery;

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days,
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise;

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!