Easter for the rest of us...

No longer being as religious as I once was, Easter became a holiday for the kids when they were young. Egg hunts and baskets full of goodies. Now it it is difficult to get them all together for an Easter dinner, so this year most of us has breakfast together at a famous local breakfast "diner". We all ate too much, but as predicted, the food was outrageously good. Unpredictably, it was raining this morning, so we had to wait to get our table outside. If the food wasn't so special, I wouldn't have. It was a relatively short visit, and then we all went our separate ways, to work, home, or back to school in Los Angeles...

There appears to be no end to the saber rattling coming from North Korea. I'm told that they couldn't even make it to Hawaii, never mind the mainland with a missile. I suppose that they just want some attention, but they appear to going at it in the wrong way. I wonder how long China will put up with its loud-mouthed neighbor before the Communist Party squashes them into oblivion.

 

 

Translations of Help Wanted Ads
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters. 

What it REALLY means

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

 

What it REALLY REALLY Means

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket." 

What it REALLY REALLY REALLY Means

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Pythagoras Was A Native American
On the banks of a river sat three indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.

A native american mathemetician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

From Here to There and Back Again

Used to be that a salesman would travel from street to street and city to city to sell his wares.  Whether it was vacuum cleaners, or pots and pans, knives, encyclopedias, brushes and cleaning supplies or insurance.  Those items moved into local family stores, and then to department stores, and then to discount big box stores.  That forced the little guys to close because of the lack of business and the high rents and usually little or no free parking.  Now the trend is returning to have those items that we cannot get any longer, locally, be trucked in.

I used to go with my wife to the fabric store for patterns, material and other sewing supplies.  One by one the stores closed.  We would have to go to a store in the next town (if they are still there) to buy the same stuff.  Recently, I read that knitting supplies and other sewing notions were traveling around selling their wares ala "food truck" style.  Auto parts are also on the move.  Won't be long before these mobile stores, which have little or no overhead, will be the norm to replace those little ma and pop stores that were forced out.  I'll even be able to buy onesie screws and washers rather than the plastic bubble packs at the local Big Box...What a strange place we live in...

"Recently, while I was on a shopping trip in a department store, I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother on the down escalator. He said, 'Mommy, what do they do when the basement gets full of steps?'"

--Hal Linden

Wife/Husband Text Exchange...
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, “I am on the commode. Please advise."

What is Kitty?
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Playing to Win

I find it very interesting that certain portions of my life appear to be in a repeating cycle.  For example: I get contest offers in email ALL OF THE TIME.  I find that I can't resist entering these contests, even though it is a thinly disguised way to get my name, address and phone number, kind of like responding to a QR tag.  I never win anything nor do I ever see an announcement of who did win, but that doesn't normally deter me.  If the entry is easy, I will probably enter every day.  If it is not, maybe once.

Frequently, I lose interest because I never win.  I ask myself why should I enter if I never win.  I really don't know what I would do if I won.  The shock would be overwhelming.

We still buy lottery tickets as well.  We don't go nuts, but maybe five dollars a month.  At least, in this case, the winner is announced.  The odds are REALLY bad though.  In fact, the odds of winning are barely better when you buy a ticket versus not!  It would probably give me a heart attack to win the lotto, but somebody always wins.  The almighty must think that they need it or deserve it more than I do...

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.

2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.

3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

4. Always drink upstream from the herd.

5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there.

8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
 

Political Correctness

I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

Murphy's Law - The Tech Version
* All great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

* All's well that ends.

* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

* After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.

Another Conclave Has Come and Gone

The conclave has begun...  In case you missed "Conclave! The Musical", check it out.  It is HILARIOUS!  And in case you haven't seen, Tuesday's vote was inconclusive (i.e. black smoke).

So today (Wednesday) the white smoke flowed from the Sistine Chapel and the new Pope (Francis) was chosen, Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina.  This is a bold move by the church to pick a non-European pope.  Perhaps his attitudes will transform the church into the twenty-first century....

In other news, Saudi Arabia is being forced to modernize.  Since there is a shortage of headsman (swordsman trained for beheading), the Saudis will have to resort to firing squads!  This may be too much for us to take, since we apparently are on the way to outlaw the whole execution thing....

Bank Robbery
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,

"So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,

"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

It Doesn't Surprise Me That There is a...

- Rudeville, New Jersey
- Boring, Oregon
- Hell, Michigan
- Hooker, California
- Virgin, Utah
- Dulls Corner, Maryland
- Bowlegs, Oklahoma
- Volcano, Hawaii
- Beersville, Pennsylvania
- Fleatown, Ohio
- Burnt Corn, Alabama
- Two Guns, Arizona
- Toad Suck, Arkansas

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

Made Anyplace But Here....

It must be a comfort to the Chinese: They can travel anywhere in the world and buy souvenirs the are "Made in China"!  I wish we could do that ....

I was speaking to someone today and they made the comment that people have lost their sense of humor and they are way too sensitive. I agreed. Remember from the 40s or 50s, "Oh your mother wears Army boots.."? This might get you a black eye. The equivalent now (and I'm not sure what that is) would surely get you shot or blown to smithereens or even sued.... It has been said many times that the best comedians are ones that could laugh about and make fun of themselves. Most people can't or won't do that anymore. Racial slurs are followed by violence. Sexual innuendos are taken as serious digs.

Employers are very conscious, as well. IMHO they are basically covering their respective butts to provide sensitivity training to prevent small issues from becoming big problems.  Unfortunately, most of the problems occur because "entitlement" attitudes that some people have acquired.  They feel as they are "entitled" to be treated a certain way and it is not (no longer) a gray area.  

Too bad we can't all live in harmony.  I wanna move to "Mayberry", where the people are nice, simple and goodhearted.  I wonder if a place like that still exists anymore...

Embarrassing Moments
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems.
The Doctor asks, "Can you describe the symptoms to me."

"Yes.......Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair !"

Update to "Smart" Phones

It has been just over a month since we updated to smart phones. We have been very careful not to intentionally give out our phone number or any other information via our smart phones.  My wife tried a poker game app, but it requested a credit card to replenish her chips.   Otherwise, we have been hooked on Words With Friends. I have tried the camera on several occasions and decided that it takes pretty good pictures, although I can get close enough to objects like flowers, to do them justice.  It is cool that I can find myself on a map provided my GPS, although I'm not lost.  It is always handy to be able to identify a song or an actor in an old movie with just one button click.  I can check my email anytime I want now, or not at all.  The life of my desktop computer, at home, will be extended because I don't turn it on as often.  And, oh BTW, I've also used it as a phone.
All in all, it was a good purchase, a useful purchase- if I can keep the battery charged during the whole period that I'm awake...

Under the category of saber-rattling-idiots:  If North Korea gets barely any attention after setting off three underground nuclear tests and numerous missile launches, why do they think that vile threats of violating the 1953 armistice with South Korea and resuming the Korean War would get any attention?  What they have successfully accomplished is getting China's attention.  China is now officially siding with the rest of the world (except Iran, of course) in seeking a "nice and civilized" manner to squash the "bug".  If I were North Korea, losing China's favor is the worst that could happen, since China is feeding the people of North Korea, since barely nobody else will trade with them.  If they lose that, they might as well give up....

Jewish Modesty
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew are having a discussion after dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune. I am going to buy Citibank!”

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and I can afford to buy General Motors!”

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince. I intend to purchase Microsoft!”
Then they all waited for the Jew to speak..........

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
“I am not selling!”

March is upon us already...

It is amazing to me that the first day of March is here so soon.  Time is certainly marching on.  So much going on, and at the same time, so little.  I have to admit that I am getting a fever for Spring to begin. I have had enough of our just-barely-less-than-mild weather and I am ready for sunshine and long days.

Responsibility.  An employee must be responsible for his/her work.  If an employer feels that that is not the case, it is up to that employer to pull in the reigns and do the necessary tasks to protect and enrich the company.  Marissa Mayer is fully capable of running Yahoo.  She shouldn't have to do it alone, nor feel like she is. She should pull in the reigns, as she did and force people to work at their offices instead of at home.  Working at home is a privilege that should be earned.  It is is not a right or feature of employment.  Work is, ya know- work!  She needs to to what is necessary to save Yahoo or there won't be any jobs there at all- whether in office or in home. The wusses of the industry and the press need to get off her back.  She was hired to do what she needed to do.  Yahoo is where it is today because they have been sitting on their respective hands while the world passed them by....

People are finally waking up and quitting Facebook (Fleecebook). The very small amount of trust that people had of Facebook has now eroded even further.  Perhaps there is still hope for our culture and society....

Question for the day: If we are now seriously going though the sequestration process and everything is supposedly getting cut without rhyme or reason: why doesn't that effect Congressional salaries or benefits or even pork?  Someone once said that tyranny begins when laws are created that do not apply to all people at all levels....

Looks like my Oscar prediction were spot on (or at least four out of six were).  There are always surprises in the world of politics (yep, that's right)....
 

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-Mark Twain

How should it feel for Chinese tourists bringing home MADE IN CHINA souvenirs -from any country they visit...