Doubling Up

We've all had the experience of our responsibilities at work expanding many-fold due to people leaving for other jobs or retirement.  This week, I have "that" realization becoming speedily a reality.  Retiring is a great experience for the retiree- for a short euphoric period of time- until that person finds the "new reality" of responsibilities.  It appears, from others' experiences, that on must hit retirement with feet on the ground and running.  Not having a reason to get up in the morning is a bad thing.  We are so used to being busy and having tasks that we cannot cope with "cold turkey".  On the other hand, those that are so called, "left behind" at the workplace, soon get used to the big hole that that retiree has left. 
After many years of working on many projects with the same individual, it is a difficult adjustment- like the family being split up.
I am going through that adjustment now, as a colleague and friend of twelve years is about to pull the plug...

Life's Observations
1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a
central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the
lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back
into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Bringing It Back...

Well it has been a few weeks, so far, with my new "smart" phone.  I'm having fun checking out many new apps.  The technology is great.  SO far there have not been any security lapses, but when I begin getting SPAM, directed ads and junk mail, I will know that my contact information has been sold.

I recently saw a story on TV about manufacturing robots.  This company makes one that is trainable, for only twenty-two thousand dollars! We can definitely bring manufacturing back to the US using technology like robots.  Unfortunately, the workers here that might have done that job will have to be retrained.  This should make manufacturing in the US competitive with Asia.


“I fear the day when technology will surpass our humanity. The world will then be populated by a generation of idiots.” — Albert Einstein

“Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian.” … Henry Ford

Dumbest People Ever?
- A medical student was working in the toxicology department at the poison control center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. The student told the mother that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

- Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the work field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is automatically activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

- A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

- A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Anniversary Gift
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "

I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

Politician's Sandwich
On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.

He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.

"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Printing Yellow

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

 

Emotional Experience

Saturday night we attended a showing of Les Miserables. The movie is billed as a musical, but IMHO it was more of an opera.  There were no spoken words during the two and a half hours.  There were also no slow periods, but an action filled, period correct piece with fantastic make-up, sets, costumes, music, singing, and most importantly, acting.  I haven't seen Daniel Day-Lewis' performance in Lincoln yet, but it will have to be absolutely fantastic to be better than Hugh Jackman's all-out performance.
Surprisingly, I had no idea that Anne Hathaway or Russell Crow could sing, but they each held their own admiringly, and played their respective parts very well.  I REALLY enjoyed the show.  I thought it was going to be a "snorer", but was pleasantly surprised at the strong tugs to my emotions and keen portrayal of the storyline.
Helena Bonham Carter and Sasha Baron Cohen provided the comic relief, and probably presented the sole portion of the movie that was light hearted enough to be considered (IMHO) a musical.
Amanda Seyfried and Eddie Redmayne were also way good.  I knew I had seen him somewhere before, and it was as the young assistant producer in My Week with Marilyn.  I thought he was great then and in this movie as well.  I expect to see much more of this guy.
Bottom line: don't miss this movie while it is still showing.  It will change your opinions about musicals and operas.  It is not like any other one I've seen.  The director also should be applauded for his extreme close-ups of the singers, and the fact that they actually sang in-place, no voice-overs.  The cast was well-chosen and they all performed beyond my expectations...

"I think we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious." --Thomas Jefferson, ltr to William Ludlow, 
 
"The bird hunting a locust is unaware of the hawk hunting him." ~Portuguese proverb


"If you're ever feeling low, just take a saunter over to the local bus station, and you'll perk right up. It looks like a Munster family reunion. There are people with teeth like Indian corn, eyes pointing in different  directions, Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets used as luggage. And you know nobody there has ever filled out a long form in their whole lives" - Dobie Maxwell

· Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?

· Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

· Why is a boxing ring square?

· Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?

· Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

· Why is what doctors do called "practice?"

· Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

· Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

A new year, but SOSDD

Well, I have been back to work for a week now and as tough as it was to go back after three weeks, it appears as though there are parts of it that I DO enjoy.  I DO work with a great bunch of people, some of which I consider an extended family.
One asked me recently about the POTUS exercising his powers to pay the debt off with a trillion dollar coin, and also about an executive ordered gun law.  As for the former, I'm not sure what the repercussions would be on the world market, but I believe it would be akin to the Chinese controlling their currency to remain viable as a manufacturing nation.  This could be bad for our credit rating.  On the other hand, Congress has had their chance to do the right thing.  Since the formerly (G)OP controls the Congress, I would blame whatever measures POTUS feels that he has to take on the non-working members of Congress.
As for the gun law: because of the gun lobbies (particularly the NRA), nothing would ever pass Congress.  If POTUS has to make an executive order to get SOMETHING done to at least attempt to quell the frequent slaughters, so be it.  Lighting a fire under Congress to act may be the first attempt to restrict the lobby influences.  After all, did we ever thing that the unions would lose their business strangling holds?

"If the Mayans have taught us anything, it's that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world."

College Cure
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."

21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

An American in England
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

Foreign Language
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Dodging Rugrats and Ankle-Biters...

Having to tend to some furniture moving in Eagle Rock, where my daughter is renting a house with two other girls while she attend Oxy, my wife wanted to see the Cleopatra exhibit at the California Science Center before it closes today.  So, last Friday we went...
I investigated and bought tickets online, since they charge for this exhibit.  My main attraction here was going to see Shuttle Endeavour, though.  It is there permanently (although housed currently in a temporary building), so I wasn't in much of a hurry.
To make a long sad story shorter(see TripAdvisor Reviews: "Crowd Control Failure"), I won't go into much detail here.  You can read my review if you want to know the details.  Endeavour was AWESOME to be adjacent to.  I had seen it on TV and flying atop the 747 recently over California, but up close AND personal- IT IS HUGE!  I am utterly amazed that it can be landed, never mind while UNPOWERED!  I am anxious to visit again when the permanent display is in place and there will be catwalks around it at many levels, so that we can see inside.
The Cleopatra exhibit was (apparently) fantastic, but the whole Center suffered from negligent crowd control and obvious poor planning. The experience would be so much better had someone given thought to the process, or even asked for help from someone like Disney.  Otherwise, impressive is the operable term for the CONTENT of the the displays, rather than the means for viewing them.

Unfortunately, I am finally starting to get used to being home- AND I have to return to work tomorrow...

"Character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you."

Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Philosophy and Mathematics

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

No Sound Support
I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information.

So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way.

Almost.

Saleswoman: "Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?"

Customer: "What exactly does a 'modem with no sound support' mean?"

Saleswoman: "It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it."

Customer: "What does the modem have to do with that?"

Saleswoman: "Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet."

Customer: "So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?"

Saleswoman: "Yes."

Customer: "How does it accomplish this feat?"

Saleswoman: "I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold."

I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.

Job Search Woes

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

Putting Up With Jocks
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."