It couldn't be over soon enough...

If you believe in the Mayan calendar, December 21 is the end of all we have now.  I for one will rest more comfortably knowing that I voted for Obama, never touched Windows 8, never gave in to Apple's magnetic retail scheme, never clicked a "Like" button on Facebook, and basically am comfortable in the decisions that I made throughout my life.  If the prophesy is true, then certainly I can do nothing to change the inevitable.  I am probably regarded as old and cantankerous and nobody else really cares that I have have comfort.  IMHO I believe that that is very important to be truthful to one's self.

If I looked at my "bucket list", I wouldn't find things like jumping out of an airplane, climbing Mount Everest or flying to the Moon.  It only consists of things that I would like to do, given the time.  Right now, there are three local attractions that I would like to see: the Endeavor at the California Science Center, the big rock at LACMA and the battleship Iowa in San Pedro.  If the Mayan Apocalypse occurs before I get there, I guess it won't matter so much.

I'm sure glad that California is not one of the battleground or swing states.  I honestly don't believe I could stand presidential ads on top of the state and Congressional political ads that we have now.  They must honest believe that they will pester us into voting their way.  Speaking of pester: how about all those poll phone calls.  It has gotten to the point that we don't answer the phone from six p.m. until after nine p.m.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year-
old soccer players aside and asked,

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or
lose but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is
called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call
him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy
gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your
coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?''

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that
to your mother."

Time Honored Truths
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,  where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7.. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage,  where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control  when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas
- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
I dunno, why do we?

Are they done yet ?

Now that I have seen the last of the debates, I am even more sure that Uncle Mitt is lacking in the Presidential smarts area.  While the debate was supposed to be about foreign affairs, Uncle Mitt was too agreeable to Obama's policies leaving Obama with little to discuss.  Romney kept trying to force the discussion to be of the economy, and other domestic affairs that Romney feels more comfortable discussing.  Obama did a very good job of trying to keep Romney on the debate topic, and cut him down several times because of his waffling platform.

In whole, the Formerly (G)OP did NOT successfully sway me to believe that Romney is a better choice, only that he was the best out of the GOP candidates to attempt to take on Obama.  What REALLY scares me here is that Romney may still have a chance to beat Obama and we will have to contend with his steep learning curve.  There are many people that will not ever vote for Obama.  There are people that won't vote black.  There are people that blame Obama for their job being lost, or high prices.  There are people that say that Obama hasn't done enough, in spite of the fact that the Republican congress has blocked his every move.  I fervently believe that there is no more that he could have done given the circumstances of the the economy and two wars that the GOP (Bush) saddled him with.  To have remedied all that was awry in only one term would have been miraculous.  If he gets a second term, it may still be miraculous if he can accomplish what is necessary in spite of the favorable/unfavorable congress.

Remember what I said about congressional elections: "Throw the bums out!".

Clever Puns
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Women's Profound Sayings

- Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

- One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

- I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

- Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

- Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

- A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

- The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ... and then they marry him!

- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

- I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

No longer "on the fence"....

The second Presidential debate left me with a much better taste in my mouth for this election. Romney was rude, offensive and disrespectful of the mediator. Obama got his digs in, and they were justified.  Remember I said that the formerly(G)OP put forth their best candidate, but unfortunately, they have little to choose from.  Uncle Mitt is the least offensive from the extremist perspective. but he is proving that he can be offensive to many different voting groups.  I have always had mixed feeling about this election and using my "throw the bums out" philosophy, unfortunately, only works when there is a viable replacement candidate.  Romney is not a viable replacement.  He is not "Presidential".  He claims to have many plans, but he will not share the details until after the election.  This smells.  It is because they haven't worked out the details, for they would most likely find out that there are "gotchas" which would prevent actualization.

Luggage
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

The Classifieds
Actual excerpts from classified sections:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: It eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

Boobs

Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble
Mine just stay still in one place
In the breast hall of fame
You won't see my name
For my boobs there would be a disgrace

Sure boobs of my size have their merit
They're easy to fit with a bra
And when I go for a dip
You won't see one slip out
They stay put just where they are

And I'm not one to seek much attention
So you won't find me strutting about
In a boob tube that's trying
by gravity defying
to leave no room, not even for doubt

But I sure envy big breasted women
I've seen them at parties you know
With all confidence thrust
In their mighty big bust
Entrancing the men as they go

Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
That it's not all it's cracked up to be
She says in frustration
"Try to hold conversation
When there's only two things a guy sees"

Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
To, say thirty-six b or c
Would they still look so natural
And could I class them as collateral
Sorta like home improvements on me

Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
I've done quite a bit of research
As I try to keep abreast
In my mammary quest
I've found there's a bit to be learned

There's questions that need to be answered
Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
I can have nipples bigger
But somehow I figured
That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep

Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
On the beach I would run
In slow motion for fun
To show off my best attribute

Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
There's much I'd aspire to do
I could feed many babies
When I was lactating
And for convenience, I could offer drive-thru

In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
They could 'see' if they had it too low
And if I stood outside
My breasts pumped up with pride
Police'd use me to stop traffic flow

Well you can see I've a lot to consider
For the big plunge, I need some more time
So I'll keep you updated
But for now they're just fated
To stay as they are for a while

And there's my sweetie who totally accepts me
For he loves each and every little bit
He says "stay as you are
You're the most beautiful by far"
As he gazes into my eyes not my tits

De-bait!

Having watched the debate between Biden and Ryan last evening, I was not surprised that it was so easy for Biden to put Ryan in his place.  It was like a father - son argument in the family room.  Ryan appeared to be well rehearsed and argued from memory, while Biden, in his incomparable style, appeared to shoot from the hip and get in his share of gaffs.  I believe that Biden successfully set the stage for Obama to come back and finish the story in the second Presidential debate with Romney.  It does, however, amaze me to no end at how much they pick apart all of the text of the debate.

The shuttle makes the last of it journey to retirement today.  I wish I could be there to see it navigate the streets, but soon I will be one of many to visit it at the California Science Center.  Hopefully, there is someone that is filming the journey, because getting there is half the fun.

A visit to the Regan Library shows how they got the previous Air Force One there to display. I am hoping that a feature such as that would be available at the Science Center as well.

I never knew this: Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?
It is a known fact that the Penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguin then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow”

Then they kick him in the ice hole. 







Too funny!
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.

I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it
had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.

I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.

Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep, it's the golden years.

NEW DOG BREEDS!

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....

These two blondes rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They're amazed at the number of fish that they catch, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"

The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"

The first blonde then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."

The other blonde says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

No More Birthday Party Polka

A sad day today as Sheriff John (John Rovick) passes. Over fifty years ago, I would watch his show and sing along to his birthday song.  I would watch Crusader Rabbit cartoons and then play "Red light- green light" with him while drinking my milk.  I had forgotten about him, but after being reminded I remember him well.

I have purposely been avoiding talking about the political scene recently.  I have to admit that I was extremely disappointed in the first presidential debate.  I think that it was predictable that Romney would move to the center and say things that were not true to make points in the debate.  I was surprised, though, that Obama stood there and took what he said without reaction.  I am not one of the believers that the debates would make or break the campaign, but Romney may now have a false sense of security going into the third one. Obama now has a whole passel of ammunition for the next debate.  Hopefully, Jim Lehrer will not be involved, as he was obviously too passive to control Romney.

It All Makes Sense Now...
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.

Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Some System
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"