I can't be the only one...

I'm confused.  I see the current dilemma (economy) that we are experiencing a direct result of giving our jobs to people that will work for less.  They just happen to live in other countries.  This didn't start (or end) with Obama, so I can't blame him for it.  There were many presidents before him that wanted cheaper clothing, shoes, cars, electronics, appliances, heavy equipment, planes, etc. and felt the only way to do it was to transfer the manufacturing jobs to those counties that could perform those tasks for less.  This also comes as a result of our military, where many breadwinners went instead of higher education as a quick opportunity to make capital.  When they returned from duty there were no union controlled, high paying, manufacturing jobs available.  The world has changed.  The US economy has changed.  Enter the world economy dragging its entrails over the US.  Where does the blame sit?  Let's call it progress, progress that we were not ready for.  It caught us with our pants down, living in a 60s world when it was the 21st century.  Did we really expect that the emerging economies would never emerge to our level?  Why didn't we plan for being knocked off of the top of the heap?  The real reason is that we have never been here before.  It is new to us.  It means that we have to compete, rather than lead. I wish that it had come to us easier, but instead as a whup on the back of the head...

At any rate, now we have an election to deal with.  A struggling president, a nasty anti-Democrat congress filled with those raping the political processes while pocketing the benefits offered by lobbyists that should be outlawed, but isn't.  These elected officials are taking advantage of every opportunity to line their own coffers and benefit from their position of power while forgetting why the voters put them there.  I only have one thing to say about the upcoming elections regarding incumbents: "Throw the bums out on their respective asses!".  We need new blood that know and respect the views and desires of the voters and not the benefactors of the re-election funds.

Having had a very busy month, not only at work, but also preparing and delivering my daughter back to school for her senior year.  Moving her to a house that she is renting with two other girls is much different than moving her to a dorm room.  That move, may be the last time that we move her to school.  The next time she moves home, she will have graduated from college.  The time has gone by so fast...

A Ride with Grandpa 
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy? -- just him and his granddaughter.
....
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa , it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you
want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the
paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do
the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a
liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a
gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it
now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

They shook hands.

As they talked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, . . . "That's because it takes place in the  future..."

Resurrection

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the resurrection is."

The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.

Arbitrage Up Close

I was speaking to a coworker today and brought up something his daughter came up with on her own.  She had been going to a thrift store and buying name brand jeans for practically nothing, for her own use.  She noticed that there were many pair there that wouldn't fit her.  She also looked on eBay and noticed a large number of sellers for new or used name brand jeans.  She figured that she could undersell them and still make a hefty profit. What quickly came to pass was the idea of arbitrage. She would buy many pairs for cheap at the thrift store and sell them on eBay.   That is pretty impressive for a teenager.

Using the same principles, we could all be making serious extra monies without much effort.  It is a very interesting scheme to move materials from one market to another and thereby make extreme profits. 

Well, the more I read about Mitt's choice for VP running mate, the more I believe that he may have made a serious mistake.  We shall see... 

Friday I couldn't wait to leave work.  I was exhausted.  I drove the Vette directly towards home.  About two and half blocks from home, the engine began cutting out and the car was bucking.  The engine stalled and I proceeded to the curb. I tried to get it started again, but to no avail.  My guess is that the fuel pump went belly up.  I called for a tow and sat there for 45 minutes waiting.  The flatbed came and took both of us home.  The Vette is back in the garage awaiting my attention.

Yesterday, we visited my daughter's new house rental in Eagle Rock.  When we arrived, it was 94 degrees!  That didn't make cleaning any easier.  At any rate, we cleaned the room and moved a desk, chair and rug into the room.  Next weekend, the rest of her stuff will be taken down.  Coming back, the temperature that showed on the dashboard rose to 100, and then dropped to 74 as we approached Goleta.  Those temps would be hard to take on a daily basis.

Last night, we caught a showing of Total Recall (we had passes).  This is another version of the a movies based on the same story that Schwarzenegger's movie was based.  There were similarities, but for the most part, they were very different.  I liked it, but I'm glad we didn't pay to see it....

How to mess up a job interview
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low-lights:

- "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

- "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

- "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

- "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

- "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

- "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

- "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

 - "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

- "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

- "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

- "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

- "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

- "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

- "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

- "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk." 

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When it cries!" she told them.

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it."

Who did it help ?

What is my take on the selection of Paul Ryan for Republican VP candidacy?  At this point, even after reading all the reaction opinions on the web and in the papers, I have an open mind.  I don't know enough about him to dislike or like him.  They ARE digging up some interesting stuff, though. One thing I do know, though, is that I don't feel any connection to Uncle Mitt or the Republican party.  If Ryan's choice helps that (yet to be seen), then it was a good one.  Otherwise, I don't think it will matter.  Uncle Mitt has a tarnished image on many sides.  He has a lot of work to do in a short time to "shine" his image up.  The first thing that he can do is to become more transparent.  He can tell us about Bain, and outsourcing, his tax returns and his offshore accounts.  Obama may not totally be transparent, but I still have confidence in his honesty and I trust him.  That is more than I can say for almost nay of the Republicans...It is up in the air whether Romney did himself a favor or not, by picking Ryan.

"I earn a seven figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved."

"The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered: "Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them"...

Here's some more new drugs that may soon be on the market..
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music and WWF wrestling

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

NBC sports commentators said what?

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said? 

Walking Across Water
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore.

Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore.

The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.

The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"

Last of the Olympics...

It has been a harrowing week, not only for me, but at the Olympics.  Is it my imagination or is our main competition China now, instead of Russia ?  We either have the largest group of athletes entered and therefore have more chances to win, or we are training better.  We have a tremendous amount of medalists this year.  I am very happy, so far, that the Olympics has not been a venue for terrorists.  I wonder about the security issues that they are not publicizing...

My exhaustion has generated many daydreams about possible vacations.  Currently we are gearing up to get my daughter back to school for her final year. I hope that we can finally get some well earned rest once that happens.

Fortunately/unfortunately we are really busy at work. I quote a famous boss as saying that there isn't really a great time to be gone on vacation.  I see that the time between now and the end of the year as being even more busy than usual.  While the unemployment rate is still high, my company is hiring scads of new people.  It is retirement season, and most of them are replacements.  With this, of course, comes new ways to do things brought to us from other companies or campuses where the new hires came from.  Those of us that adjust will have the easiest time of it...

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened!"

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES! I do remember." 

Excited About Marriage
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie ....
"Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's
draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05?  I gotta use the little
boys' room."

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women
is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!!  ...Okay, now a little to the left...
Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice
prairie breeze, just you 'n' me ... what say we put on the
rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A
DIRTY MUG!"

You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get
started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen
eye for interior decoration."

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

A naked chicken sandwich, please!

So just answer one all important question for me: what does gay marriage have to do with my chicken sandwich? Why is it important for Chick-Fil-A to sell their sandwiches "religiously"?  In spite of the fact that they are opening a new restaurant where I live, I don't want my chicken sandwich to be involved with my religious or political beliefs, whatever those might be.  They can keep their extra baggage.  I'll get my chicken sandwich where it doesn't matter....  Isn't this whole ordeal very sad?  It beckons from the times with separate doors for blacks and being forced to ride in the back of the bus.  Why isn't our culture making any progress in acceptance ?

We scored free tickets to the Professional Bull Riders performance last night.  It was hard to believe that we had $80 seats because we had a lot of trouble seeing the action.  These bulls come out of the chute in a massive explosion of thrashing mad muscles and hooves.  They usually throw their riders in the first five yards or so, therefore the action is only located directly in front of the chute.  Squirming and bending, we could barely see over the plethora of cowboy hats in front of us.  Consequently, we left at halftime. As we walked out of the area, I could only think about that fact that we had better seats than most.  Those fans had only the gigantic monitor to catch the action- which they certainly could do at home on their TV.

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, ' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.'I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.

Kids say the darndest things

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

"What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House,
and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

Pick and Choose Events

People have been complaining about NBC's coverage of the Olympics, and their prime-time "highlights" show.  They say that spoilers are ruining the show.  Let's get real.  There is no way to prevent spoilers from showing up in the news, whether internet or printed.  Twitter has prevented any delay possibilities.  Get over it.  The world has changed. You will know who wins each competition before you watch it!  NBC is doing a great job considering the amount of coverage that they have to whittle down to the prime-time show.  
My only complaint is that I have to watch many events that I'm not interested in because they don't elaborate on the starting time for each event during their show so that I can just tune in for what I want to see.

We finally went to see the Dark Knight Rises.  It was a great ending to the trilogy.  My comment about the first movie of the trilogy was that the movie was very good- AND you really couldn't tell that it was a Batman movie until about half of it was over.  The most recent one is similar in that regard.  The protagonist (Bruce Wayne) takes the center stage with inner conflicts that prevent his performance as Batman.  He learns to face those conflicts and defeat them much as he did in the first movie.  The special effects were great, especially the wheel-spinning Batcycle.  Catwoman (Anne Hathaway) fit the part very well, and her performance was enjoyable.  I liked it...  It was a fitting cap on the storyline.

Obituary:
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of
"Common Sense" Common Sense lived a long life but died in the
United States from heart failure on the brink of the new
millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth
records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals,
homes, factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and
foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous
lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with
cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of
the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't
always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't
spend more than you! earn), reliable parenting strategies (the
adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in
second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great
Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense
survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing,
whole language, and "new math." But his health declined when he
became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-

it's-worth-it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the
ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He
watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking
lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly
implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a
teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened
his condition.

It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent
to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the
parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses,
criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal
judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to
professional sports. Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge
settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but
was kept informed of developments regarding questionable
regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking chairs,
and stepladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and
his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights,
and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few
realized he was gone.

--Obituary author unknown.

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."