Playing or Winning?

The net is flooded with "What if I win the Mega Lottery" stories.  How to win, what to use the money for, how to remain anonymous, etc.  It is really amazing when you think that the prize is usually about twelve million.  That is about what people usually get when the share the big prizes.  Why is is so important to play when the prize is large.  Theoretically, there is less chance at winning it all, than winning at all.  It is beyond me.
We have to keep in mind though, that we are getting our money's worth on the ticket purchases because the fee we pay to buy them is a "dream" fee.  If we were to win, then the dream comes true...  I'll let you all know if (and when) I win...

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.

What would we do ??

Have you ever thought what you would do if you won a Lottery?  We'd all like to think that we would give a chunk to charity, 1) to feel good about giving back and 2) to get the deduction on taxes.  We'd like to think that the money would do more at the charity instead of the IRS.  So suppose I win.  They hand me a check for an ungodly amount of money.  Where do I put it ?  If I go into a bank, I would have to open umpteen accounts to put it in, so that I wouldn't go over the insured amount for each account.  A hassle.  There would be press following me to get the story and probably take my picture handing over the check or signing it.  This is publicity that I don't need.  It would fuel untold amounts of hounds coming after their prey, my money- some fora good purposes, some as scams.  So I guess, I would have to hire a lawyer and perhaps an accountant, and an investment counselor, and on and on...  So basically, look how lucky I have been so far because I haven't won!  Remember to buy your ticket early, so that you get your "dream's worth", because that is why you REALLY buy the ticket...

So since Canada has just discontinued the penny because of the cost,  I wonder how long we will continue making ours.  I do have two questions, though:  1) Why do we continue making out of copper and zinc when it costs so much.  Why don't them make it out of aluminum, since that is very cheap and vending machines for pennies are long gone?  2) One of the reasons we have to make so many pennies (and actually all coins), is because people either put their change into a jar (hoard) instead of spending it, or coin collectors save coins because of their design and date.  Why do we put a date on coins?  Why do we change the design, ever ?  These are NOT  commemorations of famous people or events, they are (pragmatically speaking) a form of barter.  I give you so many coins for a service or a product.  You might say, why not eliminate the penny?  Well, the gubmint would save the cost of making them, but we will suffer higher prices on almost everything.  There is no way that any price that ends in nine, will be rounded down.  EVERYTHING will be rounded up!

 

41 Questions That Make You Think
1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?

4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?

5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines?

6. How did a fool and his money get together?

7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?

8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

10. What's another word for thesaurus?

11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?

18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?

19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?

22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

29. Is it possible to be totally partial?

30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?

33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"

You MUST play to have any chance at winning!

Well the Mega lottery has now reached half a BILLION bucks.  Honestly, the odds are so poor to win the lottery, that basically you barely have a better chance if you buy a ticket, over not.  Many people believe it is a scam.  I couldn't agree more that if you cannot afford to lose, don't play.  The real bottom line, though, is that someone eventually wins.  If I have to play for ten weeks and then win, I only had a ten dollar investment.  Buying one ticket, severely increases my chance of winning.  Buying more, degrades my chances with each ticket I buy.  I have more possible wins, but my chances at each one goes down.  Well, really, the chances are so bad against winning, that more than one ticket probably won't make a measurable difference.  Not playing, will, however make a measurable difference.  So, since someone is going to win, it might as well be me...

Quick fact of the day: Light travels from the Sun to the Earth in about 8 minutes and 19 seconds. While it only takes 8 minutes and 19 seconds for the light from the surface of the sun to reach us, it actually takes about 10,000-170,000 years for a photon to travel from the core of the sun to the surface.

Why I'm Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good
morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He
chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a
beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....on the couch....naked.

Evolution

Are you smarter than a 16 year old?

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Tacos by Drone?

Has all hope been abandoned in the formerly (G)OP?  I, for one, have always voted for whomever I thought was the best candidate for the job- irregardless of party.  At this juncture, though, I find that I can no longer be associated with the Republican party.  While I still hold some beliefs that I thought were truly conservative, the current party is a mess.  I have re-registered with another party AND still will vote for the best candidate for the job.  I urge you all to do the same.

A sign of things to come, but I don't believe that they will be welcome.  Can you just imagine putting in a Taco order on your so-called smart phone and then waiting for them to be delivered- by DRONE! Last night there was a program on TV that had a group of police using a drone to spy into someone's second story bedroom.  One has to draw the line somewhere.....

Feed the Cat

Reasoning
Ever had something happen to you that in a flash of the eye changed your outlook on life forever?

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me. The
light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat on my bike thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver.

New wine for Seniors:
Just Came On The Market
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it! 

Double Standard

Think about this... After reading the headlines about the US soldier who shot up Afghanistan civilians, I couldn’t help noticing an all-too-repetitive irony. There is all this clamor to try this guy quickly and execute him, never mind his having suffered a traumatic brain injury.

Yet, another soldier, Major Hasan, who shot up Fort Hood while screaming Allah Akbar, still hasn’t stood trial, and they are still debating whether he was insane, even with the clear evidence regarding his motive: slay as many infidels as possible.

So we have a guy in a war zone who cracks, and he must be executed immediately. But this Muslim psychiatrist who was stateside in a nice safe office all day murders 13, wounds 29 of our own guys, and they try to argue the poor lad suffered post-traumatic stress syndrome, from listening to real soldiers who had actual battle experience.

Two and a half years later, they still haven’t tried the murderous bastard.

Why do we have this double standard?  Are we bowing to the potential threat of more terrorist violence?

The following are 40 weird facts about the United States that are almost too crazy to believe….

#1 The highest point in the state of Florida is only 345 feet (115 yards) above sea level.

#2 Today, 66 percent of all Americans are considered to be overweight.

#3 The state of Alaska is 429 times larger than the state of Rhode Island is. But Rhode Island has a significantly larger population than Alaska does.

#4 The average supermarket in the United States wastes about 3,000 pounds of food each year.

#5 Approximately 48 percent of all Americans are currently either considered to be “low income” or are living in poverty.

#6 Alaska has a longer coastline than all of the other 49 U.S. states put together.

#7 In the UK, an average of about $3,500 is spent on healthcare per person each year. In the United States, an average of about $8,500 is spent on healthcare per person each year.

#8 Montana has three times as many cows as it does people.

#9 The average U.S. citizen drinks the equivalent of more than 600 sodas each year.

#10 The only place in the United States where coffee is grown commercially is in Hawaii.

#11 The United States has 845 motor vehicles for every 1,000 people. Japan only has 593 for every 1,000 people and Germany only has 540 for every 1,000 people.

#12 The grizzly bear is the official state animal of California. But no grizzly bears have been seen there since 1922.

#13 For many years it was the other way around, but today a majority of all Americans (including Pat Robertson) actually support the legalization of marijuana.

#14 Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to have been born in a hospital.

#15 In the middle of the last century, the United States was #1 in the world in GDP per capita. Today, the United States is #13 in GDP per capita.

#16 Today, approximately 25 million American adults are living with their parents.

#17 One survey found that 25 percent of all employees that have Internet access in the United States visit pornography websites while they are at work.

#18 In 2011, our trade deficit with China was more than 49,000 times larger than it was back in 1985.

#19 One out of every seven Americans has at least 10 credit cards.

#20 The city of Juneau, Alaska is about 3,000 square miles large. It is actually bigger than the entire state of Delaware.

#21 The United States puts a higher percentage of its population in prison than any other nation on earth does.

#22 There are more unemployed workers in the United States than there are people living in the entire nation of Greece.

#23 The original name of the city of Atlanta was “Terminus“.

#24 Sadly, more than 52 percent of all children that live in Cleveland, Ohio are living in poverty.

#25 The median price of a home in the city of Detroit is now about $6000.

#26 Back in 1950, more than 80 percent of all men in the United States had jobs. Today, less than 65 percent of all men in the United States have jobs.

#27 According to author Paul Osterman, about 20 percent of all U.S. adults are currently working jobs that pay poverty-level wages.

#28 According to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, approximately 167,000 Americans have more than $200,000 of student loan debt.

#29 There are three towns in the United States that have the name “Santa Claus“.

#30 There are 313 million people living in the United States. 46 million of them are on food stamps.

#31 In the United States as a whole, one out of every four children is on food stamps.

#32 In 1940, 68.0% of all women in the 20 to 34 year old age group in the United States were married. In 2010, only 39.2% of women in that age group were married.

#33 The United States has a teen pregnancy rate of 22 percent - the highest in the world. New Zealand is number two at 14 percent.

#34 According to the CDC, there are 19 million new cases of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia in the United States every single year.

#35 The United States has the highest divorce rate on the globe by a wide margin. Puerto Rico is number two. Perhaps Puerto Rico really would fit in as the 51st state.

#36 More people have been diagnosed with mental disorders in the United States than in any other nation on earth.

#37 The United States has more government debt per capita than Greece, Portugal, Italy, Ireland or Spain.

#38 If Bill Gates gave every single penny of his fortune to the U.S. government, it would only cover the U.S. budget deficit for about 15 days.

#39 The U.S. national debt is now more than 22 times larger than it was when Jimmy Carter became president.

#40 It took from the founding of the nation until 1981 for the U.S. national debt to cross the one trillion dollar mark. Today, our national debt is well over 15 trillion dollars and we add more than a trillion dollars to our debt every single year.

The 25 Meanest things men have said...
1. "Michael Jackson's album was only called Bad because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic." —Prince

2. "He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair." —Boy George, on Prince

3. "He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner." —Johnny Carson, on Chevy Chase

4. "All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it." —Lyndon Johnson, on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

5. "The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead." —Samuel Goldwyn, on Louis B. Mayer

6. "People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't that valuable." —P.J. O'Rourke

7. "Armaments, universal debt, and planned obsolescence--those are the three pillars of Western prosperity." —Aldous Huxley

8. "The only thing dumber than a pitcher is two pitchers." —Ted Williams

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' " —Emo Philips

10. "He has so many fishhooks in his nose, he looks like a piece of bait." —Bob Costas, on Dennis Rodman

11. "If you're going to spit at me, make sure you hit me in the face. Don't be wasting my time." —Dennis Rodman

12. "If I had a hammer, I'd use it on Peter, Paul, and Mary." —Howard Rosenberg

13. "Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking." —Rupert Hughes

14. "He walks as if he had fouled his small clothes and looks as if he smelt it." —Christopher Smart, on the poet Thomas Gray

15. "I couldn't warm to him even if I was cremated next to him." —Keith Richards, on Chuck Berry

16. "I'm glad I've given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. It's like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go onstage and look young." —Elton John

17. "One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged." —Heinrich Heine

18. "She not only kept her figure, she's added so much to it." —Bob Fosse

19. "Love is two minutes, 52 seconds of squishing noises." —Johnny Rotten

20. "Democracy is the worship of jackals by jackasses." —H.L. Mencken

21. "Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper." —Friedrich Nietzsche

22. "You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart." —Fred Allen

23. "Life is a cement trampoline." —Howard Nordberg

24. "He would sell you a rat's asshole for a wedding ring." —Tom Waits, on singer/songwriter Chuck E. Weiss

25. "Start every day with a smile and get it over with." —W.C. Fields

"Trash Society": Simplified

I wanted to use a pair of my headphones on a computer at work, so I brought them in and plugged them in to my tower computer (sitting on the floor).  Obviously, the cable was too short.  I remembered that I had a cable at home for extending the distance to speakers on my home computer.  When I looked at it, it had two male ends which was what was necessary for the speaker use.  For the headphones, I needed one female and one male.  No problem, I thought.  I'll just go to a local store and buy an adapter- how much could it cost?  First stop was Staple's.  I looked at the shelves and found a two-male ended extension cable with a female adapter.  This would work for any application- but it was $15! Ridiculous! I found someone there with a badge on that claims a paycheck every other week and asked for just the adapter.  He claimed that they didn't sell it alone- and pushed the $15 solution...no way.
Next stop was Best Buy.  I wasn't sure where in the store the audio cables were, so I asked. I was sent to the iPod section.  I thought that I had found the correct adapter, but then I was told (when I asked the price, because there wasn't a "location" for it on the shelf) that it was the wrong size on the female side.  I asked for more help, and got someone overqualified that obviously was not happy with his job there- because it was "under" his standard.  He directed me to a whole new location on the other side of the store.  There, once again, I could not find an adapter, but just another extension cable- this one female on one end.  It was marked on the shelf at $9.99.  I guessed that with the price of gasoline, this was a better solution that traipsing down to Radio Shack (which I hate now) or somewhere else.  I took it to the register and it rang up as $4.99!  I guessed that ALL of them on that shelf were in the wrong place.  I didn't bring it up to the cashier.  I figured that it was their problem if the price was in the barcode database incorrectly, as long as it was in my favor.  I got the extension (which I didn't really need) and the female end for about what the adapter would cost.  Now I still have a cable that I can't use.
My point here is that there is a trend which I dislike.  The chain stores like Home Depot and Lowe's sell packages of screws or bolts, usually one or two more than I need, but I cannot find them when I need them.  This forces me to buy more.  The local privately-owned hardware store sells screws and bolts per each.  The chain stores like Staple's and Best Buy are forcing people into the same trend, where they buy a solution, but it always leaves some already-owned accessories left over.
Good thing there is always more room in my junk drawers at home.  Unfortunately, what I want is never where I look- even though I know I've got what I want somewhere.....We have turned into a trash society that is made up of products designed to be used ONLY once!  The solution to MY problem does not match the solution that they are selling anymore...

Splinters:
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management" before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but they turned you down."

SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her. 

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the
sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing

FREE  KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

“Hi there little girl, I’m President Obama. What do you have in the basket?” he asked.

“Kittens,” little Suzy said.

“How old are they?” asked Obama.

Suzy replied, “They’re so young, Their eyes aren’t even open yet.”
 
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
 
 “Democrats,” answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of   “FREE KITTENS,”

When another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo

And walked over to little Suzy.

“Hello, again,” he said, I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”

“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They’re Republicans.”

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, “But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”

Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know.   But today, they have their eyes open.”

Alfred Hitchcock was a sweetie too.

Alfred used to tell people "I have the heart of a small boy.
It's kept in my desk drawer".

The Green Thing...

I received this story in an email recently.  It is so true...

The Green Thing...

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to
go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

Remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
AMEN.

In case you forgot about the Singularity- here is a reminder....  It is getting closer and closer.

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America , the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks. Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN ."

Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran , and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Different
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")

Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

Panda Poop vs. Civet Droppings

Under the category of, GIVE ME A BREAK..... So not to be outdone by the "world's most expensive coffee" title, which was given to beans partially digested by a civet ($600 per pound), there is now available "world's most expensive tea"- which is tea($3500 for 50 grams or about one and three quarters ounces) grown in soil that has been fertilized with Panda poop.  All that I can say is yuk, on both accounts....




Even more so: GIVE ME AN EVEN BIGGER BREAK...Romney has now claimed that Bush saved us from depression...  Getting us into two wars that we could not afford to be in has drained this country to the state we are in today.  Bush left the economy in shambles as well as giving Wall Street a free unshackled ride which also drained us of money, homes and jobs.  That is the way that Obama inherited it. It only takes a fourth grade education to see that that is true... even though most people don't want to admit it.

How to hunt for Elephants...
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
   1. Catch each animal seen.
   2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
   3. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query:

   SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS 
   2 WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL' 
   3 AND SIZE = 'LARGE' 
   4 AND COLOR = 'GRAY' 
   5 AND TRUNK ='YES' 
   6 AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if some one else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will:

1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
GRADUATE STUDENTS don't hunt elephants, but they sure enjoy driving around in jeeps.

Internet Dropout

Sunday night I decided to give my wireless router one more chance to stop dropping the internet connection at my house.  I burned a new set of firmware onto it that I loaded from their support site.  Note, I am not badmouthing the manufacturer by revealing it's name. Consequently, it did no good.  Considering it was rainy all weekend, this was a great time to try to fix the "intermittent internet" issue.  After only about a year and a half of use, it was time to give it a new moniker, "boat anchor".  A "boat anchor" with an expired one year warranty.
Visiting the local Best Buy, there were only two brands that I would consider, the one I was replacing and NetGear.  The others are the ones that always get returned.  The one I was replacing required a load from a CD and then a search for any firmware or driver updates and re-loading, if necessary before starting.  The new one contained all the software (i.e. drivers and configuration and monitoring software and firmware), that was needed.  Just hook it up, apply power and access it through a browser- and away you go.  How simple could that be?  It has a lot of features that will give me some "future" with this unit, given that it lasts.  This unit has a lifetime warranty.  Lifetime is a long time, but it means that they don't expect it to fail, at least not three months after the warranty expires.  This unit has dual frequencies and uses N level protocols and is doubly encrypted.  Can't ask for more, so far....  and we are no longer being dropped off the internet!

THIS IS NOT ME!

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."

Five secrets to a successful relationship
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Good Advice:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Sometimes I wish I had gas...

Like Heinlein's The Door into Summer, with our late cold snap of a storm, the cat is making her rounds to each window to look for some sun.  It is now almost 11:00 on Sunday and I am wearing a jacket in the house.  The sun is intermittently shining outside, but not enough to warm the inside of the house.  We are reluctant to turn on the heat to warm the whole house for just us.  The dog uses his nose and gets under his blanky, without his face even showing.  We have to be careful not to sit on anything, 'cause it might move.

Gas is still going up, but it hasn't reached $5.00 a gallon yet.  When that happens, I will be walking to work and back.  My wife suggests that I get a scooter, but I don't believe that the risk is worth it.  At least if I walk or ride a bike, I can be on the sidewalk (walking the bike) in the high-traffic areas.  We shall see...

I am really concerned about my elderly parents who are living in Michigan... I just got off the phone with my father who is up north right now at his little cottage. He said that the snow is nearly waist high. The temperature is at minus 10 degrees and the snow is still dropping... The wind is increasing to near gale force. Even the plows are having a hard time getting around, some trees are down too. The roads are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the highway. He said my mom has done nothing but look through the window for hours on end, just staring. He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

An old man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Good. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Happy holiday to ya'll.  Tonight is corned beef and cabbage and Guinness.  The Guinness that I have is canned draft, check this out... It doesn't take 119.5 seconds out of a can, but it is fast enough.

Only in Ireland

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing
we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!

And for those of you who thought this would be off-colour, say two Hail Marys! 

the truth about life

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated and moved out of the house."

the old swimming hole

Three priests went for a ramble in the country. It was unusually hot for Ireland in September and before too long, they were sweating profusely.

They came upon a small lake and since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few blackberries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, they saw a group of ladies from the village coming towards them.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.

"I don't know about you two," he replied, "but in my parish, it's my face they would recognize." 

Control of Drones...

Just in case you were totally oblivious to the rest of the world, check out the Website of the day... WTF Should I Do With My Life?

We all hear a lot of chatter about the drones operating in the Middle East war zones.  We feel that they are good because they don't risk our American lives.  What about using drones domestically?  How do we feel about the privacy issues as well as discussions about law enforcement utilizing them while they are armed, and remotely controlled?  Check out this video on domestic use of drones....

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

An old man who'd lived all his life in the hills of West Virginia came to visit a childhood friend down in the valley. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO..ooo...OOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit. Fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO... Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper. His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?"

The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"  

Patients' Hospital Chart Quotes

She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 
 



Hit The Floor -- A True Story
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.

But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.' I'll be right back and we'll go eat,' she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.

'My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed' Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then ...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'