Most Wanted WikiLeaks....

It's very interesting that today there was a serious hacking of the WikiLeaks website as well as Interpol putting out a warrant for the founder's arrest on alleged sex crimes.  I wonder if the gubmint had anything to do with this "putting out of commission" of the website- and just before he goes after a bank!  It is just too much to accept.  I'll wait for the movie...

The founder ALSO called for Hillary's resignation!  What does he know that we all should?  
Or is he just tired of seeing her face in the news ?

Letter to Santa ...BRILLIANT

Sent to me with a picture of a darling little girl, on her knees praying..... "Dear Santa, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."

OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!!

PIZZA

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"




  

New TSA bumper stickers

Christmas as discussed by engineers
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of  75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second at 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance which would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 Gs.

A 250 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! 

Cat's Dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

The CIA Caught With Thier Pants Down

Back to work this morning... new carpet, painted walls, sealed and striped the parking lot while I was off.  At least they kept busy...

Try as I might I cannot figure out why WikiLeaks exists or even does what it does.  I would suspect that the gubmint will find something that they can charge them with or they will harass them until they stop.  Even more important, though, is where are they getting these documents to reveal ?  Why can't the CIA figure out where they are coming from ?  What makes them so good at covering their tracks ?

Three proofs

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody “brother”
He liked Gospel
He couldn’t get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father’s business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin,
and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades 

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moment’s notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do. 

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!

 
Bizarre Police Reports
In Detroit, Oregon, a hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead. 

A California officer charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI after driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."

The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open.
After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

In Boynton, Florida, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder in their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers in Stockholm, Sweden arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

Does the Road Remember ?

We drove down to Occidental today to drop off my daughter at school.  I made some observations about the traffic which don't make any sense.  Usually, the traffic backs up going South on 101 a few miles before the 405 interchange.  Today, there wasn't any traffic (pretty amazing, really).  On the way home, there wasn't much traffic either until we got close to the Rincon, where everyone was stopped.  We thought it might be because the lanes go from three to two close by there, but after we lost one lane, nothing changed.  Traffic was slow like the road remembered previous incidents and caused the cars to slow down.  It was like that all the way home, and we never passed anything that would have been the cause!

Senator McCain is wondering why China is not stepping in to quell the current problems between North and South Korea. He should have figured by now that China is going to let them both blow each other to smithereens and then just sashay over and take control.  China has the power to stop it.  We all know that.  The sword rattling is not a good thing, but I believe that China thinks it is just that, a big bluff!

Letter from a Redneck Mother...
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

A Really Bad Day There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." 

Reminisce Today...

What a different world!!!! Time to reminisce...  I know you can never go back, but I've have always wanted a "simpler" life like in the 50s.

I received an email with this content today.  It got me thinking...

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,  

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn..

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz , and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon , Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice..

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

If you didn't grow up in the fifty's,
you missed the greatest time in history,




Hope you enjoyed this read as much as I did.

HP7

Had a nice family Thanksgiving dinner and then decided to go see the latest Harry Potter movie.  The theater was only about half-full which was nice.  The story was well done, not leaving out any particular details from the book.  The mood of the movie expressed the gravity of the plot.  The acting was actually pretty well done.  Except for it's very abrupt ending (since this is only part 1), the almost three hour movie kept moving a a good pace and I was wanting more movie when it ended. 

WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have  choices in life:  You can stay single and
be miserable, or get  married and wish you were dead.

Marriage is the triumph  of imagination over intelligence.

A Woman's Prayer
'Dear Lord, I pray  for Wisdom - to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and  for patience for his moods.  Because Lord, if I pray for  Strength, I'll just beat him to death'

A Mafia  Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that Enzo would hear  nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the  Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather  tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs  back, "I don't know what you are talking  about."

The lawyer  tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The  Godfather  pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer  signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't  tell him."

Enzo signs  back, "OK. You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried  behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!

The Godfather  asks the lawyer, "What did he  say?"

The lawyer  replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull
the  trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

Driving through Oklahoma, my husband and I went out of our way to stop at what was billed as the largest McDonald's in the world.

However, we were less than thrilled when an employee addressed everyone over the intercom: "Attention, world's largest McDonald's customers."

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's
office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"  

Thanksgiving Bliss....

Most people in my household would rather have baked ham instead of turkey, sooooo we planned to ONLY have ham.  That didn't work because SOME people wanted turkey- sooooo we're having both.  The same scenario took place when we were deciding which pies to make, and we ended up making three instead of two.  ORIGINALLY, my wife and I said that we should probably go out to dinner and avoid the eighteen hours worth of effort for eighteen minutes of bliss.  The kids complained that they eat out all year long and REALLY treasure home cooking.  I couldn't argue with that, but we ARE paying the price in effort and holiday dollars!

Have a good and well deserved Thanksgiving Feast!

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Monday November 30, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate..
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before
Thanksgiving and says "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to
tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years
of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son demands.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I
get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"
and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay,"
he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their
own way."

Sword Waving...

Looks like the North Koreans are waving their swords again.  Isn't it amazing what jealousy will cause a country to do ?   So we are sending our ships in and the North Koreans won't even acknowledge that anybody else needs to be at the "peace" table except the South Koreans.  Next they will want the "table" to be in North Korea.  This is another job we should have finished when we had the chance.  Now since the have nukes, China and Japan will want to be part of the peace to be sure of peace.  I don't believe that the sword waving is done yet.  It is so unfortunate that innocent people were killed just to get attention.

 

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said, "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis. "

The third man said, "I died of seenus."

The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"

The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us! 

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 

Brands?

Have you ever thought about brands and the loyalty that they command ?  I remember when I was a kid, we had a Curtis-Mathes TV.  I had a friend with a Zenith ("The Quality Goes In Before the Name Goes ON.", with a remote control.  I was really envious.  I always thought of Zenith as a "Cadillac" of brands.  As manufacturing moved out of the US, the Japanese and Korean sets took over as premium brands.  For a while. if you didn't have a Sony, you weren't "cool".  What happened to the Zenith (or RCA, or Quasar, ...) brand ?  I believe it was sold to LG Electronics (previously known as Goldstar, from South Korea).  So now, if you are an old fogey and still remember Zenith as a brand, you might be swayed to purchase one product over another because of "name recognition".  In this case, LG bought the name.  
Another example could be General Motors.  There are examples of so called Chevy families who wouldn't consider buying anything else.  As the brand's products fell behind in reliability and style, and therefore resale value; they were abandoned.  It wasn't an easy thing for those families to accomplish, but they did.  They jumped to Toyota, Honda and Nissan in droves.  Here was a car and company that they could trust to get the service and resale return.  Toyota recently tested this with the problems that they had earlier this year.  Apparently, they came out of it smelling like a (trampled) rose.
I've given up on most brands.  I'm just looking for value.  Most small appliances are no longer built in such a way to be repairable, so buying a premium brand doesn't necessarily make any sense anymore.  Larger appliances are being replaced by Asian and European brands (even with American names, and I haven,t even touched store branding). Store brands, like Kenmore, are usually made by some major brand (god knows, as it changes whenever they feel like it), but sold here for less. Those companies are offering more features for about the same cost, while reliability is way up.  
Cars are a whole 'nuther can 'o worms.  Not only do we have technology, "Green-ness" and cost pushing at us, but also guilt.  I want a medium to large car for the safety and convenience.  I should buy a small car to save on gasoline.  I should buy a hybrid to help avoid "Global Warming".  Should I buy a brand I recognize ("other than a Coda or Kia or Smart") or buy what looks and sounds good when I buy it, forgetting about two, four or six years from now.  Maybe I should buy an electric car.  What if the batteries run down while I'm not home.  How do I recharge it ?  Maybe I should buy a scooter, for short commutes.  Unfortunately, there are still heavy duty trucks and SUVs to share the road with.  Same problem with riding a bike.  Maybe I'll just walk...everywhere....


So Turkey prices are up this year (What isn't?).  That is still not a reason to serve Tofurkey, but this might be:  AOL News is suggesting that one substitutes roadkill!  Even with all the advantages over Tofurkey, I'd gladly give up eating meat instead!

A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told
to go into a room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman,

"Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said,

No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.

 

From a Church Bulletin

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

Last week, a 60 plus year old woman checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .

Oh my, she thought he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room number 420 at the Four Seasons Hotel and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you.

I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.
Now how does that sound?"

He says,

"Oh my God ... That sounds absolutely fantastic,

but you need to press 9 for an outside line..."

A young man named Bill received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Bill tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Bill was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Bill shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Bill, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Bill quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Bill was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

Before he could ask the parrot what had caused such a dramatic change in behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly - "May I ask what the Turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!