Politics: At any level...

Yesterday I received a newsletter from my Home Owners' Association.  In the newsletter was a blatant endorsement of candidates running to replace the current board.  I was outraged that the HOA management company would allow personal use of the newsletter even by an officer of the board. Confronting them, apparently has not been a successful communication.  There is much frustration and the expectation is that the election will be tainted.  I feel powerless.  I don't know if I have the stomach for a political fight.  It is not a normal feeling for me, but the damage is already done.  All that is left is damage control, or we will have the same board as before.

I believe I said this before, but here goes.  People try to get elected to the board of an HOA for only two reasons: to make something happen or to keep something from happening.  Also, there is no longer a place for an honest man in politics!

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing
in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the tempting moment"

Irony

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800.00.

The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00. How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

Punography
I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's synching now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem."

Flying is not fun anymore...

Yesterday was nerve wracking. Since all my family use the same email provider, we can see when any of them are online and are "chattable".  The time in Rome is nine hours ahead of local time, so seeing my daughter online at 3 a.m. AFTER her finals are over and the night before returning home to California, was a surprise.  I guess we should always spend our last night in Rome dancing the night away.  The concern was that she be ready and alert for the trip home, which started at 6 a.m. with a long taxi ride to the airport, then waiting in an international check-in line, checking her bags (including paying the overweight and second bag fees) and the long flight to Newark, NJ- and on.
Well, I opened chat with her and she declared that when was staying awake in order to sleep on the plane.  Okay, I guess- if you find yourself in a sleep conducive setting (without crying babies, etc.).
To make a long story, shorter; she made the flight to Newark, but the plane was late to take off from Rome.  International flights returning to the U.S. now require that you fill out customs declaration papers, retrieve your checked baggage, present them both to customs (which allows a search within, if they desire), then waiting in a check-in line for the next leg of your journey and checking in your bags again.
She just barely made it to the flight, because of the domino effect of the original delay of the Rome flight.  She had to take a train to the gate and run.
The flight from Newark to LAX was uneventful. In LA, she had a layover of about two hours to catch an 8:00 flight to Santa Barbara.  The flight showed delayed on my status gathering efforts.  It finally was marked as taxiing down the runway, so we left for the airport.
Parking at the newly remodeled airport, that still is not totally completed, was a nightmare.  We could see a few cars parked in the short-term parking, but even after two times through the airport loop, we couldn't see how to get into the lot. Finally, we swung into long-term parking and walked about two blocks to get to the terminal.
When we arrived, the place was deserted and the monitors had marked her flight's arrival another hour later.  We finally found a ticket agent to ask for status in person.  This was a large husky woman with a strong Russian accent.  I would have picked her as a baggage handler, instead of ticket agent.  Her story was that the plane returned back to the terminal for maintenance AND may not fly in at all.  This would put Tori on a bus or a hotel for the evening.  Unacceptable, but since she didn't have a cell phone (except an Italian dispose-a-phone, we couldn't contact her.  Even if we drove down to get her, she wouldn't know it and we might pass her on the freeway riding a bus.  Also, with TSA restrictions as they are, a passenger must always ride the plane that carries their luggage.  If we picked her up, how would we retrieve her luggage?  What a mess!
We came home and I continued tracking the flight.  Thank goodness for FlightAware.com, because they showed the flight had already taken off, and they were tracking it to land here in about 15 minutes.  The United site showed no status change at all!
We climbed into my truck and began to leave when we noticed that one of my headlights had just burned out.  I re-parked and we took the car.  When we got to the airport terminal, a plane was landing that had United markings.  We went inside and proceeded to the place where passengers leave the secure area to wait for Tori.  Many people came out, and then a flight crew.  I asked whether there were more passengers behind them.  They replied that their plane was from Denver not LA.  The LA flight was just landing.
Finally, my little girl (who is 21 and flew the world by herself) returned (safely) after four and a half months in Italy, Austria and Hungary, and five hours of hanging around at LAX to get home.  I looked at my watch and it was ten minutes to midnight. Flying isn't fun anymore!!!

As you can see by the seal at the top of this post, I support the POTUS in his decision to support like sex marriages. Whether or not it can be a religious ceremony or not depends on the church, but otherwise, a civil ceremony is nothing more than a contract between two independent parties.

Liar
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

Twin Brothers
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

Resistance Appears Futile

I feel as though I am being disincentivized to capitulate- "resistance is futile", apparently.Southern California Edison has allowed me to opt out of getting a Chinese-made digital power-use meter that they can read remotely via packetized radio. The REAL downside is that they can read the meter hourly, if they chose, and charge differently for power depending the their whim and the demands of the hour.  Also, the meters are bidirectional, or essentially controllable by them, as well.  Pay your bill late, and they turn you off remotely.  Have the AC on during a hot day and there is an impending brown-out because the power grid is insufficient; they can throttle our power to whatever percentage they deem, at any time.  
I put our name on a "delay conversion" list, until the PUC decided whether this would really be allowed.  A judge forced them to create an opt-out program. The court allowed SCE to charge $75 to keep you old meter, plus a $10 fee per month to get it read.  The PUC has not yet ruled.  I had expected a revolt, but power is in numbers.  It appears as though the resistance has already capitulated...

Deep Thoughts Contest
From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" (Saturday Night Live)

THIRD RUNNER UP
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.


SECOND RUNNER UP
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.


FIRST RUNNER UP
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

WINNER
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

Good, Better, Best

GOOD: A Houma, Louisiana policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in New Orleans, Louisiana. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Louisiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

This is a true story.
I was going through customs from Canada into Alaska in 1980 and I noticed a glass cabinet on the wall showing samples of drug contraband. I little while later a saw a hippie looking closely as the display and when a boarder patrol officer walked by the hippie turned and said, "Excuse me, how much is that pipe?"

Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'

What "brand" are you ?

I read an article about website that can be used to adjust the world's view of you through Google.   This site, BrandYourself.com, claims to trap references to you and allow you to modify them.  I have always been pushing the idea of maintaining one's privacy.  Short of our family, and our health; it is really all that we have.  This service may be what the doctor ordered, but still there should never be anything revealed on the web that you don't know about, theoretically.  Maintain control against blaspheming or revealing anything that you wouldn't want printed on the front page of the newspaper. Everything you say in print (electronically) or your pictures represent the first impression of you.  If you want to be known as that guy with the weird t-shirt on (or off), pictures of you on the web will speak for you- volumes.

Also, be wary when you access unencrypted WiFi or free hotspots.  The fellow sitting next to you at the local Starbucks or Tim Hortons may be listening in on your every keystroke.  Don't access any websites of importance unless it is a secure connection.  Even that car parked down the street from your house may contain someone on a laptop doing the same.  Keep your home WiFi encrypted to the hilt- and only allow known users.

Statistically speaking....

six out of seven dwarves are not Happy. 

Where to Retire

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
You think Central Park is "nature,"
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You've worn out a car horn.
You think eye contact is an act of aggression. 

You can Live in Maine where...

You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
You have more than one recipe for moose.
Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
"y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
"He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR You can live in Florida where..

You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds. 

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

Why is the country in debt?

So let me get this straight.....If you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get 12 years hard labor. If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally, you get shot.Two Americans just got 8 years for crossing the Iranian border. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get a job, a drivers license, food stamps, a place to live, health care, housing & child benefits, education, & a tax free business for 7 years... No wonder we are a country in debt.

The Ordeal...

So the ordeal (see the previous post) wasn't so bad (once you get past the ingress/egress of liquids and the over-exposure in the procedural room at the clinic). I had to drink liters of foul tasting chemicals, last night and this morning.  After checking in, they showed me where to change.  Then a bunch of us were herded into a waiting room, in our hospital gowns.  Nobody said a word for almost an hour.  Nobody wanted to even be recognized while in that silly get-up. After they gave me the drugs, the rest of the ordeal went by in a snap.  


What was really interesting is how many times I was asked who I was, my birthday and what I was there for.  Of course, I had a hospital ID bracelet on with all that information.  I just think they were testing me...

New prefix
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible.

Come on in, the oil is fine!

Watched "The Sitter" last evening and was actually surprised at how bad and sophomoric it was.  I don't know why I expected better since it had a very short showing at the theaters.  Parts were funny, though, but I wouldn't recommend to see it...

Tomorrow I get to experience (once again) what all us guys over fifty relish most of all.  Dave Barry described it best. None of us want to get colon cancer, so we allow a doctor to insert seventeen thousand (an exaggeration, of course) feet of cable with a camera on the end.  It is a necessary evil to prevent a much worse one...  I highly recommend it.  Be sure not to miss Dave Barry's version.

I see that Delta Airlines is going take matters into their own hands and are buying an oil refinery close to their east coast hub.  They are going to try to control their highest cost to operate.  Perhaps the gubmint should do the same.  If the oil companies were only in charge of finding and retrieving crude, and we (the royal we) had control of the refineries, perhaps we would have more control as well.  Now, since Delta is going to modify this refinery to maximize jet fuel, that means that there will be less gasoline products available for us to purchase- or the remaining refineries will kick up production to make up the difference..

Doctors convene.

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington . 

A conversation in heaven

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.

An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening.... to find two sheriff deputy's standing there.

Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked.

"Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."

"Do you have a photograph of your wife, sir?" the second deputy questioned.

The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.

"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."

The old man says, "I know, sir, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook."

 

A doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a condom."

The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

SOSDD

There seems to be a lot of press discussing the "new" Romney, now that he is aiming for Obama.  I don't believe that. "You can't pick cherries with your back to the tree..."  Romney hasn't changed, just the perception that he is projecting.  As we all know, he changes depending on the audience and their perceived acceptance.

I often wondered whether there would ever be a time where opinions  are OBE (overcome by events).  This week has been pretty quiet, news-wise. I haven't been passionate about any of the topics.  I actually find it pretty amazing in itself.  Wouldn't it be cool to continue this way for a few months- kind of just slide through them without any bumps?  SOSDD...

Who's In Charge 
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who should be the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge.

Don’t you find it funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF? -Unknown

After nearly 48 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" I found the remote," he mumbled.

Health care update:

WASHINGTON—In the event the Supreme Court strikes down the president's health care law, the Obama administration has prepared a contingency plan under which all 313 million Americans would share a single large jar of ointment, sources confirmed Tuesday. "We are committed to protecting the health of the American people, and while it's not a perfect solution, allowing citizens to scoop up fistfuls of ointment from a giant communal jar would at least guarantee a certain minimal level of care," said Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, stating that the 96,000-pound container of topical rub would be located in the middle of the country and that, in some cases, citizens might have to travel 1,300 miles to have access to the salve. "I will say there is only a limited amount of ointment, and those citizens who are gravely ill and lack medical insurance will get first dibs at the soothing unguent." At press time, top Republicans had already blasted the so-called “Ointmentcare” plan, arguing that the use of taxpayer funds to salve the careless and negligent violated the rights of those who had responsibly obtained their own private stashes of calamine lotion, Icy Hot, and Preparation H.

Piedras Blancas

We visited the Piedras Blancas Elephant Seal Rookery in San Simeon this weekend.  It was awesome.  It is pretty bizarre that they would only pick that particular place on the coast to rook.  Given that you pick the correct time in their mating and molting calendar, it is a very worthwhile place to visit.


We also visited Hearst Castle.  I had been there twice before, but only to see the grand rooms.  This time we explored the upper floors, bedrooms, bathrooms and library.  It was amazing.  I can't believe that I still haven't seen the whole building.  It just goes on and on.

The CSIRO has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.

Every time a new Pope is elected there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, that's origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock - It was the check for the Last Supper.