The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
"Jews and Christians are different in a lot of ways. Some Christian people will actually have religious bumper stickers on their cars. Like 'Jesus is King', 'The Lord Saves'. Jews don't do that. You'll never see, 'Honk If You Love Moses.'"
- Gregg Rogell
During a particularly wet winter, floodwaters rise so high in one town that the National Guard evacuates all the residents.
One man stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left behind.
"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat and we'll carry you to safety!"
But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and the Lord will save me."
The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later, when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat appears.
"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save you!"
But the man sends them away again, saying, "No, no, the Lord will save me!"
The water level keeps rising until the man is standing on his chimney and barely keeping his head above water. A helicopter, doing a final check, appears overhead. It drops a rope, and the loudspeaker says,
"Grab the rope and we'll bring you to safety!"
But the man waves the helicopter away, once again saying, "No, the Lord will save me!"
But the water level keeps rising, and he drowns.
When he gets to heaven, he is completely bewildered. He asks God, "God, why didn't you save me?"
And God says, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
Lipstick in Catholic School (you've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Paschal, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2007 and 2008.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA)
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA
Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040.
